I'm feeling very lonely and suicidal.. Please Help!?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JimmyD, May 23, 2012.

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  1. JimmyD

    JimmyD New Member

    I am an 18 y.o male, I should be enjoying my life right now but I am far from that at this moment in time.. I have a pretty messed up home life with a schizophrenic and manic mother who has repeatedly attempted suicide and it has been me who has found her every time. My dad isn't around so it is me that has to sort out everything. I am heavily addicted to skunk, i need to smoke it every day in order to get to sleep otherwise I won't get a wink. I am extremely lonely, I can't get a girlfriend to save my life, i swear i have like no friends and im failing college because all the weed ive smoked has made me feel like a brainless zombie. The overwhelming feelings of loneliness and depression have pushed me over the edge, i can no longer keep on living like this. I really do want to live but i am losing reason to, with every day that goes by. I just don't know what to do!? Any advice?
     
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Hi JimmyD. I'd like to respond to you. I respond to a lot of the posts on this site, but yours has special meaning to me and I won't get into why, but I will say that I am here to be your friend. It sounds as if you have a rough struggle and that is understood and your feelings are appreciated. Life is a great thing, but it has lots of downs within it also. Sometimes it is difficult to find the value that makes suffering the bad things worth getting through. The good things are there - though I won't say "it will get better" because that won't mean anything to you. Nobody can tell you or promise things will get well, you just have to live and experience wellness when it arrives. Often, there is a huge battle to get to it.

    Smoking too much weed is not any better than doing to much of anything else. Even harmless water can kill someone if they drink too much. The problem with alcohol and drugs such as marijuana is that they act as depressants. In fact, that is why you find that it helps you go to sleep... because it depresses the brain and thoughts and allows you to relax into sleep mode. What you are experiencing with your consumption of the weed is the result of excess. If it was something you just did on occasion to party, it would not affect you in this way. It is like drinking alcohol. People who drink on occasion on a Friday night or what not, they do not experience the problems as someone who drinks constantly and nonstop.

    Girlfriends aren't all they're cracked up to be. Ultimately, you want to not waste time with girls upon girls... you want to find someone that is right. You can't predict when you will do that. When it happens, it just happens. You can't plan on it. Hang in there on that one - some people go half a life time without someone and then they find that perfect person and I can tell you now that it is worth the wait. Why have a Kia when you can have a Ferrari? Hang tight, that will occur within it's own space and time.

    You ask for advice and I can give you advice but it is the advice of things you already know. You know that you should slow your weed use, or cut it out totally. Actually, cutting it out totally is the best thing -- just as a cigarette smoker can kick that habit only when they stop cold turkey. If they resolve to have one "once in a while," they never really are able to quit it. Quitting anything you are used to is hard. Some people have a will power that allows the instant stop (I quit smoking cigarettes without any problem, for instance, while other people need all sorts of devices or assistance to do the same). It is up to you how much will power you can maintain.

    Dying is not a solution. It never is, even though it often seems it would be. Solutions to problems are not always a success and so often one must try different things when one solution fails after another. With suicide, there is not opportunity to try something else after. You can see through your mother how suicide is not an answer.

    I said I would not tell you why your post means a lot to me, but I lied. I'm going to tell you right now. My son was 18 less than 2 years ago when he died by suicide. My life ended with his and I can tell you right now that the worst things that you feel, I experience every moment of every day. When I am asleep, the constant dreams nearly kill me. It will never get better for me because my situation has no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There isn't even a rainbow, for that matter. There is lots of rain and darkness, but the sun never comes forth to create even a ray of rainbow hope. I am as down as any human could ever be, I assure you.

    What do I have left for to live? I HAVE A LOT. I have you, and every other young (and older) person out there who is down and out and who might be contemplating something suicidal. I have the rest of my years to reach out to you, and others like you, to tell you my story and to beg you to consider that suicide is never a solution. You can message me in private if you wish, or discuss your thoughts and feelings here. Reach out though, as you have already, and take the hand of those on here who are reassuring. Look at my strength and consider that you can find it too.
     
  3. JimmyD

    JimmyD New Member

    thank you for your reply austin.. your story is very moving, and i am very sorry for your loss, i cannot even contemplate the pain you have been through. you are a very strong person and well done for hanging in there.. i really do want to quit the drugs but the insomnia literally hauls me straight back in to it when i go 2 solid nights with no sleep, its torture. I have seen with my mum that suicide is a very painful answer and i am aware it is extremely selfish but sometimes you need to think about yourself in order to do what is best for you. I have been feeling suicidal for quite a while now, i do want to live, but i really dont see the point anymore when my life is just full of sadness. i can only compare it to a weightlifter doing a squat with more and more weight being added, no matter how much he wants to lift that weight, eventually he will physically not be able to. I feel the strain of life is just unbearable. If that makes me a weak human being, then that is what i am and i have to shamefully admit that. I will give it a bit more time, but if things continue as they are, i feel it is my right to end my life and put an end to all the misery i am constantly living with.
     
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I agree about needing to think about yourself. In fact, many people worry about everyone around them when they should focus on their own needs. One needs to care about themself before they can care about others, after all. Of course I don't mean people should be self-centered and conceipted... but we need to be our own person(s). Thinking about yourself means too self-preservation. We are all animals in the end, and all animals fight hard to survive - often through difficult odds. Man (humans) is the only creature that seems to take his or her own life and we are supposed to be above the other animals, so this can not be right. I can reply and tell you to be a fighter and I can give you lots of reasons to hang on, but you are going to do what your own mind tells you in the end. I understand that, yet I will still hope that you will consider self-preservation. Sometimes you need someone to help you make it through a day and you can find people to do that if it is just by moral support. I'm here. Others are too - I have seen some pretty decent folks on this site.

    I am not a fan of medications, but there are drugs available that can help you with the sleep. They can be subscribed in your situation. Are you in services with an MHMR or any sort of mental health oriented organization, doctor, hospital?
     
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