I'm finished...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rainchild, Jul 31, 2014.

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  1. rainchild

    rainchild Active Member

    I wish to cease existence. I think being alive and living is just too painful. I want it all to just stop. I never liked this world, nothing ever made sense in it and it is just scary, evil, and cruel. There is nothing that can make me happy here, nor will just being alive or surviving either. I also hate living as a human and on this planet. Nothing makes sense and everything is madness...so I just want to end it all and stop the pain....Nothing in this life...nothing can help me.:grey:
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You can help you ok You can reach out to professionals talk to someone get some help you deserve Your right though nothing makes sense at times
     
  3. rainchild

    rainchild Active Member

    I have tried that before but it didn't help at all. I'm pretty much at a dead end, as usual.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    turn around ok and try again and again find a different therapist a better doctor someone new to listen but don't give up
     
  5. rainchild

    rainchild Active Member

    I would but I don't believe anything is going to help. I think the problem is too deep to be fixed by even them. Also, what is so important about being alive?
     
  6. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    You say "nothing makes sense," but your words make perfect sense to me. I hope you will find a little comfort in knowing you are not alone in how you feel about the world. There are people to talk to who will understand.
     
  7. rainchild

    rainchild Active Member

    I hope so and I'm very glad to here that...but I feel like my existence still has no purpose and never did. I just don't want to be here anymore.
     
  8. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    rain, there are people out here who feel exactly the same way as you do. Always remember that. Maybe part of our "purpose" in this world is to support and give strength to each other.
     
  9. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    I have felt exactly the same many times and sometimes for quite long periods. I've found that paying attention to the present really helps me. I also get through one day at a time. You are not alone.
     
  10. rainchild

    rainchild Active Member

    I see. I would try that too but it doesn't help...but it's a bit reassuring to know I'm not alone...although I still feel alone for some weird reason. I wonder why.:apologetic:
     
  11. rainchild

    rainchild Active Member


    Perhaps it is. But I have no idea how that can work out...plus, I'm horrible with people and groups. I've got to much social phobia and anxiety...but deep down I don't think I have anything important to give to anyone or share, even contribute either. I still don't see any point. :frown-new:
     
  12. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    It doesn't have to be with groups. Making some connections on here is a start. You never know - a few kind words might just make someone else's day.
     
  13. rainchild

    rainchild Active Member


    I would do this but unfortunately I am too broken to do such things. Perhaps one day though...if I could find something first, and that's help. Maybe I may get really down and almost die...but if I'm meant to live, I hope to find a really beautiful and true sense of love in life...If not, then maybe this struggle was written in the stars to end that way...
     
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Rainchild...you have a really good way with words. I think each person has a purpose in life, and whatever that may be it will happen even if it something small, I really am sorry you're feeling this way but because you feel this way you can understand how others feel too, so maybe you can help others using your own experience in life, maybe that is your purpose? :)
     
  15. rainchild

    rainchild Active Member

    Actually, it's quite funny you wrote that. The thing is, I do know what my purpose is in life and my higher calling is...but the issue is that my suicidal feelings and emotions of despair always keep tugging at my will to live...although I don't really have one. The thing is, perhaps I will live out that destiny, perhaps I will accomplish what I was destined to do on this earth. But I did come to quite the astonishing conclusion...in the end, those feelings tugging at me that threaten (or even lovingly offer) to drag me into a black hole of darkness, silence, and something older and undiscovered by the human race in my own, predestined grave or rest...(whatever it is)...that very thing that even harbors in it an inner peace and acceptance of that fate...perhaps that is how I will go from this world, and that is the marker of my end...So will I fulfill this destiny or purpose on earth? Perhaps. But can I really be sure that I won't end my life? No, and I know that this part of me and I are only seconds, minutes, months or years apart...the time (however small or great) I can do to push forward to live can be attained, but perhaps that ending is my destiny. Will I try to do something with the waning amount of time left? Perhaps, or maybe I could learn someday to keep it at bay. The rest, I could never know. All I do is that when each day passes, I get closer and closer to that end...which makes all of us mortal. We must all end, but how our lives play out...is something mysterious.

    :emptiness:
     
  16. rainchild

    rainchild Active Member

    So perhaps I will unleash my creativity and unleash creative works that will be in the world, even as I do feel no place or interest (or any like in it) at all...(Even thinking about the fact I have to share it is painful.) But there will be some who find meaning in it, and one day I'll tell the entire world exactly what I meant in each creative work I make...even if I do die by my own hand...even if these feelings overwhelm me and drag me into that black hole in the end...at least I did something and perhaps what I did won't just be left behind for humans, but for the universe and other sapient beings who can come across my works someday...
    It shall begin with writing and work it's way onwards in an intricate, creative web to even include music and artwork...plays..cinema even....the rest goes on..but they will all connect to that main framework: writing. Now, to just find ways to stay alive to finish it at least, if I can't be alive for my whole lifespan...(Or find some way out?)
    :dread:

    ...I can't believe I even shared this....:faint2:

    :pout:...
     
  17. rainchild

    rainchild Active Member

    Blast it all...I still want to die IMMEDIATELY! I am going insane with the suicidal urges again and so close to ending it all very soon! :scared:
     
  18. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Call a crisis hotline if that urge is sooner than later.
     
  19. rainchild

    rainchild Active Member

    I did before and it did absolutely nothing. I have no ways to cope now that the feelings are even worse...I dare not call them feelings anymore...they are too powerful, like screaming commands...:nightmare::dejection:
     
  20. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    It buys little bit more time until urges passes. I got days like this and just want to stfu the voices for good
     
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