I'm freaking out

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SarahB, Oct 10, 2010.

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  1. SarahB

    SarahB Well-Known Member

    I was finally able to sleep for a few hours, but now I've woken up, and suddenly I started to just freak out.. I'm not sure if it's because pretty much the only person who I was talking to, to keep me sane, went offline.

    I feel paranoid and incredibly sick. It feels like my heart is beating on the outside of my body and my stomach moved up into my chest, and like I'm going to get sick but it's stuck. I'm shaking, dizzy, and just feel so incredibly awful, the worst I may have ever felt in my life.

    In a sense, I have a dependency on a man, I know I shouldn't, but I do. And so suddenly, he's done so much to hurt me. Going with a girl who wronged him so much, and even considered ending mine and his friendship. It's crushed me and left me feeling so so terrible.. But right now, he's told me he will not talk to me for a month, until I start to improve myself. And I feel like I will go insane if I don't talk to him. I'm so used to talking to him everyday for the past few years. Then he goes and does this, and it leaves me paranoid of what he will do with this girl. I know it's none of my business, but it really hurts considering he was someone I had such a deep bond with, an intimate relationship as well. I feel betrayed.

    I'm scared near to death of what might happen, I keep getting thoughts, missing the past me and him had, and now panicking over if him and this new girl will really be together. In a sense I feel as if I was psychologically and emotionally raped by this man. But I still want to be with him and talk to him. He has me unblocked so I can talk to him if I really need it, but what should I do? I want to be able to talk to him like we normally would. I don't want to go a month like this. I don't want to suffer. I have so many thoughts on my mind, I am giving myself a headache every few minutes. Deeply, I want to kill myself someway, or at least get into a deep sleep so I do not wake up for a long time.

    I don't know what to do. I do not want to feel this way, yet for the longest time I have not been able to get over it, and I still do not feel I ever will. Should I talk to him telling him how I feel? Will he even care? My parents are not being as supportive as I would hope, yelling at me to get over it as if I could do it with the snap of my fingers. I feel so alone and I want to take so many pills so I can go back to sleep, since with my thoughts racing, I doubt I would be able to be able to sleep on my own.

    I'm sorry if this isn't in the right place, and if I tend to type up really long things, but I'm just really freaking out and don't know who to talk to, I just need to get some way to maybe calm down or something..
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sounds so scary...someone who you depended upon is not there...and it seems, he chose to leave at a time when you were quite down...maybe talking to a professional can have you establish a relationship where some of these things can be worked out...big hugs and please keep posting to let us know how you are doing...J
  3. SarahB

    SarahB Well-Known Member

    I was really down, and he said he chose to leave me because he felt like he was the cause of it. But part of me wonders if he did it to just be done with me, and move on with his new girlfriend. This isn't the way for him to help me, I'm losing one of my biggest supports in life. And I partially feel used. I'm starting to wonder if he used me, for sexual pleasure, because he revealed to me he had been dating someone else this past month, even while he was still incredibly intimate with me, and he still says he would be okay with doing things with me. I don't know what to do. I should I tell my parents? Should I try to talk to him?

    I might eventually end up having to talk to a professional, when I first tried to OD, my parents wanted to put me in the hospital and get me help. And now that I'm considering doing it again I'll probably really go.

    Thank you so much for you post, it always feels nice to hear what people have to say, and I will gladly return those hugs to you. =)
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Yes, you should talk to someone...if you have a good relationship with your parents, of course talk to them and yes, you should also seek professional support...you deserve to feel happy and not used...please PM me if I can be there for you...we truly care, Sarah
  5. kote

    kote Account Closed

    im not the best to talk to about past relationships as everyone up until my wife i destroyed by accident.

    anyway most of all is to look after yourself and build yourself back up as an individual you can be proud of.

    i was relationship dependant - then i changed to not wanting one and building my own world and i enjoyed myself so much more. then my wife showed up.

    build your own world one which makes you happy, find new hobbies and new friends and live life for you - make it so that you are so busy that you dont have time to speak to him for a month.....it will hurt him more i promise.....he is playing a game of control.

    take care of yourself and find the fun in life again and avoid men for a while - we are all idiots!!!!!!!
  6. SarahB

    SarahB Well-Known Member

    I talked to my mom and I told her the things he's done to me. She's still being a bit hard on me, not really understanding it won't be a quick thing I can get over. But it did help, and I know she cares. I asked her to stay home tomorrow so I have her around if I need her.

    For the longest time I have not felt truly happy, I think. Not since I was dating him. I felt like that was finally a good point in my life and I lost it. I tried to keep hope up, but they just kept getting crushed. I no longer really believe that anything good will happen to me, that I will at least get to keep in the end. Things just keep getting worse.

    Right now I'm filled with so many emotions, I'm constantly switching between hate, hopelessness, paranoia, depression.. I can't take this. He probably doesn't miss me, he probably doesn't care if he wont see me again
    that was always one of my biggest fears. If I was gone he'd still be able to be happy without me. I think a lot of this is a mistake. This isn't the way to get me to stop being so into him. It is tearing me apart. Does he really care? or is he doing this to just be away from me?

    Thank you so much.. and sorry for all my rambling.. I just need to get this all out, my mind is so messed up right now.. I wish I could just die, so I don't have to deal with this all anymore. And thank you for the offer. I will PM you in time, but I think for now I will try to rest.

    and @neanderthal
    Don't blame yourself so much if it was an accident. You seem like a very good guy. =) I can try to build myself back up, but right now I just feel too bad to do anything. I feel so hopeless. I've been torn down so much I don't think I can be proud of myself. I think though, if I make it through all of this, I will stay single. I cannot stand being hurt by men anymore. No offense to anyone because I know there are good ones out there. But I do not want to risk being hurt like this anymore.

    I thought I was happy with him, but when I lost it, I just feel so terrible. I didn't have much before him, and that may contribute to this. I have been trying to make myself busy, by just talking, it really keeps me sane, and helps me deal with everything. So I think that's something. It might help this month. But I really hope he does feel something. Whether it is hurt or missing me, I hope he does. Right now I feel kind of low because it hurts thinking someone I thought cared so much is treating me so badly, and might not really care.

    But thank you for your input. ^_^ It helped, the both of you did.
  7. kote

    kote Account Closed

    heartbreak is one of the deepest pains.

    ive been heartbroken and still 15 years later the thoughts flash through my mind but not the pain.

    im listening to you and really understand your pain, ive been there and it horrid.

    but if i could travel back in time and meet the heart broken self i would give him a big hug, tell him IT WILL BE ALRIGHT, move on, avoid women and booze, find a possitive hobby to let out your negative energies and take care and relax. but the big hug would say it all!!!

  8. kote

    kote Account Closed

    if you feel worried or panic at anytime come on this board and there is always someone willing to listen and help 24hrs. everyone has really helped me so welcome to your 2nd family!!! ( im also very glad you told your mum - i have 2 daughters and would want to help them through any pain of any sort especially emotional!!! - well done that took guts!!!! )

  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sarah...I am so glad you spoke to your mom...take some time to figure out what he means to you and if it is in your best interest...your first responsibility is to you and you alone...please do what is best for you and know you deserve the best...get some rest and let us know how you are...big hugs, J
  10. SarahB

    SarahB Well-Known Member

    I don't know if he is in my best interest.. So many people tell me he's bad, and I can feel he is bad, but then there are times where I remember the good things and hope for that in the future. I know that I should focus on me. But for the longest time I have felt like I don't matter as long as I can make others happy. I want to be able to make him happy. And it hurts me thinking this new girl he is dating will take my place or be better than I was. After she was going to get him arrested. I'm paranoid about everything. Thinking he is going to visit her when he never gave me a chance is messing up my mind more.

    I wish I could make him understand this month apart is just making me worse. But it's not fair. Within a week he has crushed me so much. There's no way I can deal with this all in a month. It was cruel of him to try to end the friendship because I was depressed and suicidal. And then to tell me he was dating a horrible person just made it worse. Plus it doesn't even seem like he's into her if he wants and has done sexual things with me still.

    Yeah.. though this board has helped me quite a bit. Thank you all. I feel a bit like I am constantly under worry or panic because of all of this. It just hurts so much that someone I was supposed to be with is with someone else, who did bad things to him. I'm scared of what will happen when he visits her. I had a deep bond to him. He pretty much saved my life, but now this..

    I can't really concentrate on anything without thoughts and fears popping into my head. I rested, but not for that long. In all honestly I had tried to overdose on some pills to at least help me sleep for a long time. I really love the feelings these pills gave me, and I wish I could take more, but I think my mom hid them.. So now I'm kinda forced to be awake, since my thoughts will not stop.

    And thank you both, big hugs to you both.
  11. I am sorry for your confusion and pain. Iam being jdged about my bipolar symptoms because my baby girl is facin brain surgery in the next two week nd I've been alittle manic. who wouldn't be? They are also mocking my faith in god Who do I trust?
  12. SarahB

    SarahB Well-Known Member

    I keep thinking about him visiting her.. It's making me so paranoid and sick. It hurts. When I was dating him he'd always talk about him moving here and visiting. We talked about a lot we'd do when he got here. It seems like now he won't ever give me the chance to see him. He told me he had never kissed a girl before. I really wanted to be his first. Thinking of losing that to that stupid girl just hurts me. Me and him had a really intimate relationship. I'm one of those people who take that really deeply, not just as some quick fling. I want to be the first to kiss him. I wanted to hug him and be in his arms. It sickens me and makes me so sad to think that I will lose that to someone like her. She does not deserve it. I'm so paranoid about it.. What they might do.. I wish I could stop feeling like this.. He's still been in a sexual relationship with me while he has been with her. I don't know what I should do.. Part of me wants to tell, I'm sure that girl will be furious.. But I don't know, this is really killing me, I really wish I could find my pills.. I might have to wait up for my mom..

    I'm so sorry to hear that.. Who ever is judging you has no right. Do not let their words get to you. You are doing nothing wrong and should not be judged. You're just scared for your little girl, anyone would be. Those judging people are messed up if they find that wrong somehow. Don't let them mocking your faith get to you either. Everyone has their own right to believe in and have faith in whatever they want.
  13. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    Hang in there. Relationship hell is...hell. You might want to get some fresh air, do some breathing exercises, make tea. And think about trying to sleep.
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