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I'm getting closer...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CyberGlitch, Feb 1, 2011.

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  1. CyberGlitch

    CyberGlitch Member

    Well, Friday was another attempt. 2nd time in the hospital and my 3rd attempt. I'm getting closer and closer to it being the last one.

    First time was just xanax and was out for 2 days that I don't remember but everyone said I was fine.

    Second time was <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. I started to pass out from the xanax before I could do much damage to my wrists. Was rushed to the ER and spent 5 days in psych. Learned a lot those 5 days and thought that would be it, no more and never again.

    Well, lets preface all these attempt a little bit. About 3 months ago now my wife of 10 years started seeing another man. We've been separated a little over 2 months now.

    Friday the owners called me in for a meeting. Said they've been as understanding as they could be over these times with time off and such. Said they've hit their limit and I'm on a 4 week probation. I have to prove my job is a full time job and that I can do the job.

    So I go home Friday and my wife is there, not supposed to be at the house. I breakdown saying I need my wife right now that I may be losing my job and could really use my wife for support. She didn't want to have anything to do with me. She started to ignore our 2 girls (2 and 7) saying she was busy while getting more stuff together so she can leave. At this point I was furious and started calling my support to calm me down... 1st #.. no answer. 2nd my parents... no answer. 3rd I finally have someone on the phone but at this point I think I was to far gone. Wife came into the bedroom to get some CDs and I flipped saying your CDs are more important than the girls that you are now ignoring?! I took all the CDs and threw them into the yard. As she went out to pick them up I got my shoes on and started to stomp on them.

    I then realised I totally fucked up again. We were making head way with being civil and talking the past week and here I go and fuck it up again. So I immediately got the razor, got in the tub and started to slowly cut. After a few minutes, there it was, I hit it. Medics came and I said I need help, could barely walk outside. the whole ambulance trip to the ER I was contemplating jumping out the back of the ambulance and let the following cop car run me over. Once at the ER I couldn't stop crying while thinking about my girls and why do I keep doing this do them and myself?!

    3 days in psych again, this time in the more severe section. No pencils, pens and such. I was miserable about the whole time because I got nothing out of it. Honestly, it was only me and 1 lady who were "sane" everyone else was nucking futs. Saw a few people taken down, tackled, strapped down. The works.

    I got out yesterday and all day at home alone I couldn't stop thinking about it again, my wife having fun with another man. I'm trying to tell myself not to do it again but I know I can't honestly say that to myself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 1, 2011
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey I'm sorry that you are going through this.

    It sounds like your daughters really need you

    if your wife isn't going to care for your daughters, then they need you even more

    I hope that you can get through this

    do you think that the separation is the primary reason why you are suicidal?

    You might be able to get disability if things don't work out with your job

    I hope you can get some support here!

    would you feel like apologizing to your wife?

    I think if I were in your shoes I might have stomped on her cd's too.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Next time don't harm you okay just call crisis and tell them you need them to help you now. Your girls need you so much you have to get stable and stay stable for them okay keep posting here okay post the pain out here so others can help you too hugs
  4. cacophony

    cacophony Member

    live for your two kids, and try to do your best to be a father. your wife is not worth all this headache.
  5. CyberGlitch

    CyberGlitch Member

    I know it's us being separated and her being with another man that is killing me slowly. I often get thoughts of what they could be doing to each other and then can't stop. Also Friday I was put on probation at work because my motivation and attitude has changed and they've been supportive enough. So on top of everything else Friday I was told I may be losing my job as well.

    I always do apologize afterwards because I feel sooo bad about what I do. I'm even going through all her cds I broke and buying new ones online to replace them all. I know it won't fix everything with her but every little bit helps.

    I have since Friday but the suicide hotline on speed dial just in case next time my support people don't answer. I'm trying to hard but slowly always see myself slipping and bottling it all in until I erupt.
  6. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    I took Ativan to calm me down but it isn't working. Fuck. Clonazepam DEFINITLEY DOES NOT WORK FOR ME BUT IT MAY WORK FOR OTHER PEOPLE. I don't know what to do anymore, and I just don't care anymore. Sorry to sound like this, it's just my opinion.
  7. CyberGlitch

    CyberGlitch Member

    Sorry nothing is working for you, hang in there.

    I know xanax works to calm me down. Works very well. My psych is hesitant to prescribe because of the 1 overdose attempt with it.
  8. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    It seems nobody will prescribe ne Xanax, so I said fuck it and started drinking, I really don't give a fuck anymore.
  9. CyberGlitch

    CyberGlitch Member

    I'm very much being tested with the drinking as well. Last drink was 1/11/11. No one wants to give me meds for anxiety. If this keeps up I'll be back to the bottle for comfort.
  10. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Cyberglitch, I commiserate with you bro re losing your women like that. As if its not bad enough - she ignores the children! I mean, you would expect ANY visit to your home to actually be about the children. A hug, a kiss, right away you'd expect that from a mother.

    Usually its a women who takes the children. Some are selfish and maybe that's the case with yours. I mean, even though you love her, surely you can see that the children should be her priority, not some other man. Anyhow, what is done is done and your not the first and will not be the last man to lose a woman.

    Right now the children need you to be with them. Tough as that might be - there is help for you if you are the provider. If you've got family then surely the authorities will help out also. I hope so. Maybe you need to just ask people you know.

    Using booze to deal with any emotional problems is like using petrol to wash your hair then using a lighter to dry it. NO WAY is a drink going to make you feel any better. Not in your state right now. Maybe at some point in the near future you'll have a social drink or take some lady out and feel the good buzz of a few glasses in company. Before then you just have to get yourself well enough to raise the children and hopefully become confident in being a single dad. Ask the single mums here about this process. Its hard but millions do it and in far more trying circumstances than those of us in the West for example.

    If you have a mother, aunts, sisters or brothers with children - I'm sure they would help. I'm sure that if they see you getting help and making that effort then they will forgive and forget whatever pasts you might have. Not everyone has family but in that case there's always lots of social contact for parents as you rub shoulders with other mums and dads. There are chances to help out your kids and others when you are better in yourself. For instance, making sports or arts, help with whatever skills you have.

    Forget about throwing your life away for this women. She sounds like the best thing she done for you was bearing your beautiful children. But don't get bitter - hard though it is. There are other women out there - in fact, lots of women all in the same boat as you. The good ones will not want you if you are boozed up. Your children will not be getting the bedtime stories or the walk to the park after school or some late evening stroll.

    THEY are your life right now. The mother, she made her choice, left you standing. You can find another wife but you cannot replace your children.

    Maybe you can draw up a list of the things you need to do now that you are a single dad. Tell your psych that your not going to overdose again and reason with them that this drug eases your condition. Point out that you failed and will not try again. After all its unfair to deny a drug to someone because it was used in an overdose attempt. If you show an aptitude for recovery and to raise those children then you should get the drug you feel works. The drug is a 'benzo' which is pretty powerful stuff. Aim to use it for a stopgap and maybe, its one you can use in the evening. I can use my painkillers at night for example. Tolerate whatever in the daytime.

    Good luck to you and the children.

    Forget about what she is doing. Lets be blunt she went with another man and broke the wedding vows of for better or worse. SHE left - and left you with the kids. Everyone's sympathy has to be with you and you ought to let people help you for the kids sakes.
  11. CyberGlitch

    CyberGlitch Member

    That's the thing. a lot of people are happy she finally left me. I've treated her like crap for most of the marriage. I finally started to get help last year but it was not "fast enough" (her words). she found another guy who treats her like a queen now.

    I have no family around here to help. It's always just been me and my wife. We've been together for 14 years, married 10. That's almost half my life that we've been together. Another thing, both of us have only been with each other. I'm still holding hope she hasn't slept with him yet. I'm not ready to give that up. Also, has been kind of sad that with these attempts my parents not once came up here to visit to make sure I was ok. Yea, sure they are 14hrs away but god damnit, their son tried to kill himself and they should have been here. Sure, they call now and I've spoken to them more in the past 2 months then the last 10 years combined but still...

    I'll have my chance tomorrow. She agreed to sit down with me and a therapist. She says only to discuss the divorce but I want to discuss other things. So I'm trying to stay positive and tell myself she agreed to come.
  12. CyberGlitch

    CyberGlitch Member

    I can already tell I'm not going to make it.

    The finances are building and building with no end in sight. If I can't fix my marriage soon I fear that'll be it. I can't keep holding onto the pain of picturing my wife with another man.

    I've already got the <Edit Moderator Method> that I can OD on and just fall asleep and never wake up.

    I've got 2 paths right now. Wife coming back to me and trying to make things work. Taking my own life and ending this pain and suffering. The road to my wife is becoming more and foggy and can't see the end of it. Taking my own life seems very well lit and an easy road to follow.

    There is just to many factors against me right now. Already have little to no money and then possibly losing my job in 3 weeks. Yea, that'll sure help the finances! Lose the house, so I won't have a place for the girls to stay when it's my weeks. So my wife will take that away from me as well. Of course she's all happy with her new man and I can't stop thinking about what they are doing when they are together.

    This isn't a choice I would pick for myself, it's being forced upon me and I don't have the strength to fight it anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2011
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to get help them to help you fight to help you cope with the stresses you are under. Get marriage councilling get financial councilling get help okay so you do not feel overwhelmed with it all hugs
  14. CyberGlitch

    CyberGlitch Member

    She doesn't want marriage counseling and the 1 we did see months ago said she couldn't ethically continue to see us because there is no marriage. We did go to joint counseling Saturday and focused on co-parenting. I mean, the session ok but at the end of the day nothing really changed.

    Financial counseling. Yea, sure. They'll say Yep, you're broke. I've already turned off about everything I could possible turn off. It's just all this crazy ass debt we're in combined with the fact we both have separate checking accounts and can't get shit straight for either of us.
  15. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    it's not too late. you can see a therapist, let it all out

    there are people in the same position that you are in now that have decided to live and are glad that they did
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