I'm getting ready to cross over

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dumdumgurl, Jun 5, 2007.

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  1. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    hi everyone
    well my meds should be in place and they are strong enough to kill three cows so i just have to makesure no one is lookingfor me because it may take more time than usual for a person for meto expire which i hate!

    i just let my ex know a decision has been made but i don't know if he realizes a decision about death is what i'm talking about. doesn't matter i feel better just letting someone know.

    i do have atherapist but i haven't seen her in 7 monthsand well she will be disappointed in mebuti think she will understand that it is necessary for me to die. i just wish i didn't have to wait and it could be done today. i also got lucky and got a prescription for xanax and the small amount i will hve should be enough with the strong pain medsto knockme out and put me to heaven hopefully.

    i feel weird and disconnected at the moment but happy with my decision but not happy with the wait and wanting to use the pills nowto make it all better. i'm guessing i have two weeks maybe more and then i can be successful at the attempt. i don't see me failing unless i vomitand i do have compazine suppositories and will use those too to prevent vomiting themeds up and possibly making a drink or two to put down my throat even though ih ate the taste it really is awfulwish i could be a drinker ofvodka but i'm not. nothing else to say but goodbye and thanks for the kind words and support. i'll see you all on the other side take care until we all meet again.

  2. bipolarbiped

    bipolarbiped Active Member

    don't know if you will see this or not..hope you do.
    xanax is a benzodiazapine....trnslation...so not lethal...in any quantity. It will just make you forget a few days of your life. you will hear about interactions you had with others and have very little if any recollection of it. At best it is like seeing a 5 sec movie clip. I know this from personal experience. furthermore, medications prescribed to those with a mental illness are of the non lethal category. Docs just don't like giving us the means to take our own lives. suggest coming up with an alternative.
  3. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    well thanks for the information. i just thought the combinatin would be a good thing because they always say drinking and combination is deadly. i have oxys and theyare high strength and i have enough of them that it should definitely do me in. i have heard that one of these pills equals 12 percodan so i have a shitload of this stuff and luckily the pills aren't horsepills. so a combination (and it's okay if you dont' remember a few things but i won't be around to play what day is it with the staff at te hospital) should do the trick sith alittle alcohol. i wish i was a drinker or liked more stuff becasue vodka would be better than what i'm taking which isn't as strong as vodka would be but i have to take what i can handle. dont like the way it burns when it goes down so i'mnt a drinker, really a bummer i guess becasue then the risk of tossing it all up is there if you drink too much and you just start gagging. i will be very careful because i dont' want to screw this up. if i do then i dont have any other means in which painlessly do this. if i hang myself and that gets screwed up i have a messed up neck and that might mean permanent neck pain and damage and i dont want that. so wish me luck when i do do this. i ask to not vomit or if i do that i'm lying on my back and i choke on my own vomit. i do plan to lye down when i feel drowsy and lay on my back i also have lots of blankets under my bottom because i knw that i will eventually pee fromthe alcohol. think i was trying to go to the bathroom last time when i just fell to the floor (had my blanket somehow and get this my sister said my uncle had asked if i had any clothes onunderthe blanket how lame does itreally get people?) and somehow put the covers over me. i get that feeling because i had peed in that very spot. so to hopefully avoid getting pee on the bed and maybe i'll put saran wrap on the bottom to hopefully again stop the leakage and have pee on the bed which would suck if i made it and had to sleep in that bed if it reeked of pee. if only they made the old bedpans and i could keep one near me that would solve the peeingproblem but that's teh least of my worries. i have enough pain meds to kill three cows but i seem to have a high tolerance lasted 11 days last time with no foodor waterand they said you usually dont' last after 4 days of no water or liquids but i did. i'm hoping my body has been knocked about so badly that it can't stand any longer to be alive and will expire quickly and peacefully and it should with what i'm taking. the xanax just might makeme alittle more "peaceful" as i'm drifting off to la la land.

    i took oxy and valiumlast time. again valiumis a benzo but the guy who gave it to me was saying 90 tablets could be fatal and well i took almost twice as many and when i did awake it was fuzzy thinking for some time. i even had hallucinations. thought the hospital was being used as a sperm bank and that the nurses were servicing the customersand i was really really scaredi almost couldn't breathe. kind of funny now but not at the time it was happening.so i think xanax mighthelp with the dyingprocessif it keeps me calmand keepsthe reflexesfrom trying to get rid of what i put in. luckily the pills aren't big and i cut themin half so i will use some applesauce to get them down because of the bitterness and just to savethe gag reflex from turning on. maybe a xanax or two before would help relax me and that is the key to be relaxed.lasttimei did this and i was swallowing pills it was surreal and almost like i wasn't even in my body. the trick is to remain calmand to not do anything that will aggitate the body and start a gag reflex or anything like that. all i want is to be in heaven and i know i'llgo there.

    some think there is a hell but we are actually living in it so anyone that crosses over goes to heaven. yes god probably isn't pleased that we ended our livesbut he's also compassionateand has seen those of us try beyond normalhuman streangth to make it and well it just isn't working for us and we can't do it any longer so we just needed to make our way back home. heck even if we have to come back and repeat the life i'm sure we will have learned what we neededto learn in this life and be able comeback and completea life. god forgives if you've trulyl tried and i've done my best to do what i could to continue i jsut can't any longer. i want to go to teh healing room in heaven and just get made all better again and feel whole and complete and not like this broken angel. i have tried if anyoejn can see the mileage on this woman's heart they would see how hard i've tried. i almostmadeit lasttime wellthis timei haveenough pain medsto killa cow and they are lethal that's a fact you just have to get enough into your system to make "YOU" die. i have a high tolerance so i have a shitload of these that i cut inhalfto makeit easier swallowing and italso activates them immediately instead of having the coating on and so i'm assuming that within a half an hour i will be drowsier than a cat on catnip (ha!) and jut have to make sure i'm on my backwhen i go passout just so that if i vomit i should drown in it with any luck if that'sthe case. i'llhave to make sure to not drink alot the day before that way i might bealittle dehydrated and it will stop me from having to pee.gosh all thesethings you have to think about. if only i could find a hitman but you always see these stories of someone hiringa hitmanandit turns out to bean undercover police person. how awful would that be? but to have a hit person would be ideal where i live becaues i could take walks onthe trail and well guess who will bethere one timeand guess who will be a fallen target? it would still be suicide but assistedsuicdie.it's too bad kovorkian is out of business i do believe a personhasthe right to assist someone shouldthey need it. why suffer and get it wrong when you can get it right the first timearound and done with a professional who knows doses and strengths,etc. hopefully in the future there will be a way of assisting suicides without there being a penalty for it of say jail or whatever. if society would just turn it's heads on stuff like this instead of being outraged and telling you you are wrong. why am i wrong? do they live in the pain i live in, do they get all the agony you have with life? do they know what it's like to be you? no i don't think so you just get the die harders who want to persecute you even moreand make you feel like a hopeless twit because youwanted to end your life. i truly just wish there were more than two states (i know NH is one of them and i think anohter is a state that starts with an M but i could be wrong) that didn't see suicide as a crime and it wasn't illegal. someday i hope that there will be assisted means for us intead of having to go it thehard way. like agun if you dont do it right you just have your face blown off and alot of mental brain damage so a hit man would be your best bet because they know where to shoot to killand you'd have yoru best results this way. and yeah you'd feelpain for a bit but not longand you'd die fromthebullet wounds.wouldn't that be grand??????
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