Hi! I'm new here, so a little bit not sure what I want, but nowadays I feel myself terrible and I think maybe I just want to talk about what I feel and think. I always afraid of maybe I will say something wrong, something too much, when I speak with my friends or family members. I don't want to hurt them, or scare them, but it seems like if I really don't want to do anything like this, then probably the best not to say anything. I just want to talk, but I afraid really do that. Sometimes it's really like I can't speak. It's like I have walls, and what is behind, I can't tell. Like I have some hateful rules for myself. I don't want it, but this is my life now. So I hope, I can speak here and maybe somebody will listen me. English is not my first language, so sorry if I made some mistake, it's harder to express my feelings that way. But actually it's give me some safety feelings... I mean it really makes me feel that I'm anonym. So what's the problem? I'm not sure how to tell it. I'm almost 20 (I know, I'm young, but that's not how I feel that) and I'm suffering from depression more than 6 years. Actually I not really remember what means normal life. I can only dreaming about not feel terrible everyday. And now I started to feel there is no type of future what I really want. I feel my whole life is a big fight and I'm just getting really tired. I feel that sommething is wrong with me. When I was young I wanted to be special, but now I guess life is just kidding whit me. I want to be normal. I want less pain and sadness. But I never get it. I have a terapist, she is good and help a little bit, but now it seems like I arrival a turning point, and a part of me just say all the time "give up, it never will be better" and it's hard to not believe. I figth so many years ago... I'm tired. I also have a psychiatrist and have to take pills every day, because without these I really can't do anything. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't focus, I just lose my control. But I hate pills. And sometimes I want to lose the control. Sometimes I want to make everything worse just because I hope that it will be easier to give up. I can't understand what's wrong with me. And why me. I don't think, that I'm a horrible person. I mean... yeah, I hate myself, but I always try to live a good life. I help others and try to avoid that others feels that I'm a problem. So mostly nobody know how bad I feel my self. Just maybe a few of them. So I don't know, why I can't be normal. Why I have to suffer? Others in my age are planning their future, go to a university, start to work, explore the world or something... But I don't do anything. I just try... This year for me was a "holiday" after school. And now I should do some exams and make big decisions. And I don't want. All of these years I always found something to fight for. But now I feel I don't want anything anymore. Maybe I'm slowly loosing my hope. I feel remorse because all of this. I should be better. I should fight better. Maybe I'm really a bad person. Thanks if you listened me and thanks if you write a few words. I'm not sure if it was a good idea to write here or not, but I give a chance for this.