I'm giving up.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SilencedFaith, Feb 21, 2014.

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  1. SilencedFaith

    SilencedFaith Member

    I was almost robbed yesterday. Almost. The reason the guys left me? Because I told them to make sure I'm dead if they're going to rob me. I told the guy with the knife to stab me in the heart, and make sure to pull the knife out so even if the puncture wound didn't kill me the bleeding will. They left, screaming about me being crazy and need to see a doctor. I thought that was going to be the end of my life. And for a very long time, I felt... excited. Thrilled, not anxious, that I'm finally about to get killed - and not by committing suicide. At least my parents can claim the insurance money! But I was wrong yet again, and here I am now in front of my computer, typing away.

    I'm getting more and more tired with each passing day. I lost interest in almost all my hobbies, and I've been isolating myself more and more. So much that my friends have to designate a "get-together-day" to get me out from my house besides going to work and classes. I don't see my parents and my brother much anymore too. I usually told them I'm busy doing something. Play games, read books, do assignments, do some writing... whatever. In truth? I'm just lying on my bed, wasting my time and hoping that some freak accident would happen and kill me. It's getting harder to just get out of bed in the morning.

    The truth is? I'm tired of living. Not "I'm tired of living like this and I want to change" tired, but as in "I'm tired of living." Period. No matter how different each day might be, in the end it's all the same. I tried to change to accommodate the world, but guess what? That's how I ended up here right now - anxious, depressed, angry, delusional, tired and live life everyday in pain.

    Days ago, I was afraid of dying. I was afraid of taking the final step. But now? I'm welcoming it. I'll welcome it with wide open arms as long as I don't have to pull the trigger. I fought this war for far too long, and I feel like I can finally put my weapons down and just give up. The world won't give a damn anyway. It will march on, and leave behind many more bodies like mine.

    And so, it came to this. I'm giving up soon, but there's still a few more things that I have to do and I need to put things in order. At least when death finally catches up, I won't be taken by surprise and others won't have to take up pieces of things I left behind.



    Note: I'm not saying I'm going to do myself in though, so I'm not sure if I'm in the right part of the board. I apologize in advance if someone has to move it.
     
  2. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    I am very glad that you did not get hurt by them. I have the same thoughts of how to die where my mother will not think it was suicide and so I don't have to do it myself. I've been putting everyone off as well for fear of infecting them. It sounds like you feel somewhat like this as well. I am so sorry that you've lost interest/desire to live. Please keep sharing your thoughts here and maybe we can get through this to a better day. I know you do not feel that now, but please know that I am wishing you all the strength I can to help see a better day. I am so sorry you have to feel this pain. :hug:
     
  3. SilencedFaith

    SilencedFaith Member

    Don't be sorry Unionfalls. Don't be. I should apologize for making everything so dark and gloomy.

    I'm such a coward when I think about it, wanting to die but refuse to pull the trigger. Maybe, somewhere inside of me, I still yearn to live? But yes, I don't want my family and my friends to be sad. To cry because of my action. It was always in the news, people blaming themselves for not being able to help the victim of a suicide. I don't want them to feel that way. I don't want them to suffer because of me.

    But thanks Unionfalls. While I can't guarantee that I'll sit around long enough to see the sun set, but let's take this walk together.
     
  4. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Do not apologize for your thoughts and feelings SilencedFaith. That is exactly why this site is here. I say sorry because I have the same feelings and oh so know how much it hurts. You are not a coward, just coming here and sharing shows you have courage. I so like that walk together, what an awesome sentiment. I guess that is all we can hope to do today, or in your location, tonight. Thank you for being here for us as well.
     
  5. SilencedFaith

    SilencedFaith Member

    You guys and gals have been out there for everyone else for so long... Me? I'm struggling just to keep my head above the water. But yeah, thanks again.
     
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