I'm giving up

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by cookiemonster, Oct 9, 2009.

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  1. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    You have all been incredibly helpful when you have tried to help me but it is all getting to be a little too much for me now and i don't think i can do this anymore.

    I have asked for help many times and have gotten some forms of it but i don't think that anything much can persuade me otherwise at the minute.

    Although I may not be going away just yet it will probably be soon, i just have a few more things to sort out before i can do anything.

    Yet again you have all been incredibly helpful.

    Thank you
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Well, here's a question for you. Would you be able to say what would help you? If you were able magically to get it, what would it be?
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    And just one more question. What has brought you back to this point? Now?
  4. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    There isn't much that can help me now. I've been thinking about it for a while and actually thought I might just get help and not hurt myself this once.

    I don't always like talking about things and especially not the things that are bothering me so I don't think that would help. If I could just go back a few years and put myself into care then I think I would have been fine or at least a lot more at ease with myself. That would be the magical cure of this. But according to my doctor I have borderline personality disorder so it wouldn't acutally work.

    I don't see myself as having friends exactly at the minute and this is whats causing a lot of the problem. I just don't want them to be hurt so much by what i'm going to do.

    I have been depressed for years now and have attempted many times in that time. I have spoken to people and done stuff to help but it doesn't work anymore.
  5. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    This will probably annoy you, but I hope not, and I want to say it. If you were able to imagine what might help right in this moment, right now - then my thinking is that it lets your mind feel how that would be good, and maybe you will find a tiny little bit of motivation to see what you can do to get it. Like, if it was having a true friend around, then maybe you could push yourself to look for that friend (and here on the forum is a good place to start). Do you see what I'm getting at?
  6. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    I see what you mean and I've tried but I just don't have the energy to anymore. I have made a few friends on here and I like that, but my problem is I push people away when I'm depressed so they don't get hurt and they don't come back after.
  7. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I guess maybe that's what I'm trying to say in a clumsy sort of way. That it's exactly at those times you need to dredge up just a little bit of strength and push to contact those people - I'll guarantee that 90% of people will WANT to come back. They just need to know.
  8. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    the thing is I'm tired of trying to get the attention and am tired of being miserable and i just want out. I don't really want them to come back when I'm feeling like this though cos I don't want them to be hurt if I do go through with it
  9. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Well, maybe a bit of logic - if they came back, maybe you wouldn't feel so impelled to go through with it?

    And, you say you don't like talking about the things that are bothering you, but maybe it WOULD help to do so. It sounds like you've got a lot of things all bottled up that no-one else knows about and though it's really hard, sometimes telling someone about some of it can make it seem less overwhelming. Don't want to push you, just that if you feel brave enough to do it, I'm listening.
  10. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    if they came back i wouldn't want to do it so much but it would be more painful when they leave to go to university and leave me behind and i will be back here again in the same place. To me it makes more sense if i go sooner and spare me all of this again.

    Thanks for listening it really is appreciated. If I pluck up the courage i will speak to you about it but it may take some time or come out in pieces.
  11. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Coming out in pieces is the best way I reckon - that way you get to really be heard and understood.

    (You could always risk trying one little piece now, do you think? yeah I'm being a bit sneaky aren't I?)
  12. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    just a little sneaky.

    I don't know where to start or what I can really talk about openly. Most things are still a little too painful to talk about right now or at least i think that thinking about them may push me over the edge a little and i still have things i have to do before i can end it all.

    I will give it a go though.

    When I was younger, my mum had a new boyfriend after splitting up with my dad. He used to take pictures of us when he was touching us and...

    I don't think I can do this...
  13. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    That's a damn good start, and unbelievably brave of you. And it's ok if you can't do it anymore, you don't HAVE to. Only when it feels safe enough - and that will come. Do you know there is a sub-forum on here where other people have had what might be similar experiences? They are more likely to post there than here. Give it a try.

    And well done for getting this far too! Just hold on.
  14. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    Yeah thanks. I have been in there but find it incredibly triggering so I really don't like it in there. I also don't really like admitting that it ever happened. I have trust issues and that is something i don't like to tell to anyone

    I am really trying atm to make sense of everything (a head injury doesn't actually help i might add) but i need things to be clear when i do try
  15. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Ok. I think you're doing great right now. And maybe some of those other, not so overwhelming, bits you'll be able to talk about in the meantime.

    I have to go now, please be ok!
  16. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

  17. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I use to think that if I started letting some of my stuff out and it would rip me wide open and destroy me. I found that when I do let some stuff out, it has less power over me. When I get overwhelmed by letting some out, I back off and take a break and get some extra sleep.

  18. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    i'm trying to let it out but it will happen slowly and when it wants to. i'm not going to force it because it will push me all the way and i have things to do before i can hurt myself again.
  19. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    You know GLG, I was thinking - maybe you could sort of 'practise' with not so triggering stuff. Like, what you started to talk about, that's a real biggie, it's like going straight for the jugular! Are there other things that you could talk about, that don't make you feel so overwhelmed? Doesn't have to be end-of-the-road stuff either, just anything you feel like telling. (Apart from anything else, it helps people to get to know you better - and maybe make you feel safer and more comfortable talking to people here.)
  20. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    erm... i don't know. in my mind everything isn't lined up in the way i want it to be which means that the stuff at the front of my mind is a mix of things and i don't know what to say. i'm not really used to talking.

    something i can and have talked about before was the friend who betrayed me. that and other worries like that i'm fine with although i wasn't at the time
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