I'm having nightmares, screaming fits, and a frequent and urgent impulse to kill myself (and, I hate to admit, others), which I have to put effort into resisting, you know, by reminding myself of why I shouldn't. That's frightening. I have recurrent dreams of my ex. I haven't seen nor spoken to her in almost two years. Now she's so ingrained into my psyche, I can't get her out of my mind. I know there's no way it would've worked between us, but ever since we stopped talking to each other, I feel like I'm grieving. And the feeling hasn't changed for this entire time. Its intensity has been the same for this long. *WARNING: TRIGGERS IN THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH* Last night I had two nightmares. In the first, I was in elementary school, and while I was walking to a class I was ambushed and beaten up. In the second nightmare, I dreamt I was talking to my father, but I suddenly lost consciousness. In the dream, I woke up again, and my father was beating me, telling me to stop ignoring him. I kept trying to explain that I was unconscious, but it was like he was in such a rage he didn't hear me. Now, my father has never hit me, and I don't have any child abuse issues, so there is no flashback there. I woke up feeling sick and nauseas. That's the way my dreams have been going for, like, two months now. *end triggers* For two nights in a row now I've felt a violent agitation. I run through the things in my head that I can do to cope. Suicide is one of those things, and I go through everything I can think of and come up with nothing. So I run through the cycle again. Suicide comes up again. I try to think myself out of it, that there has to be something else. I have meds that cause sedation, but they don't act instantly, and during the time in-between I'm panicking. Ideally, I'd be able to talk to someone, but...I'm out of the country. That was a bad move on my part, I should have skipped this trip and gone straight to the hospital. Sometimes I feel like I just fucking have to scream. Large pillows help. Oh yeah, and I CRIED. Real tears! I NEVER cry. I've found myself feeling different about people I once thought were important. I'm losing my ability to care about things or feel strong emotions. I've never felt like I do now. I can't stop ruminating on all my past mistakes and failures. It's nonstop, throughout the whole day. By the end of the day, I'm so please-God-stop-me-from-feeling-like-this agitated that I'm frantic for bedtime meds. Almost always, I feel like I'm just fighting against the inevitable. I don't expect to live very much longer, not like this. But, again, that's what hospitals are for, right? And, hey, I'm scheduled for an ECT consultation on my birthday, the 29th of this month. That's all, I suppose.