I'm going crazy. (caution: triggers)

I'm having nightmares, screaming fits, and a frequent and urgent impulse to kill myself (and, I hate to admit, others), which I have to put effort into resisting, you know, by reminding myself of why I shouldn't. That's frightening.

I have recurrent dreams of my ex. I haven't seen nor spoken to her in almost two years. Now she's so ingrained into my psyche, I can't get her out of my mind. I know there's no way it would've worked between us, but ever since we stopped talking to each other, I feel like I'm grieving. And the feeling hasn't changed for this entire time. Its intensity has been the same for this long.

*WARNING: TRIGGERS IN THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH*

Last night I had two nightmares. In the first, I was in elementary school, and while I was walking to a class I was ambushed and beaten up. In the second nightmare, I dreamt I was talking to my father, but I suddenly lost consciousness. In the dream, I woke up again, and my father was beating me, telling me to stop ignoring him. I kept trying to explain that I was unconscious, but it was like he was in such a rage he didn't hear me. Now, my father has never hit me, and I don't have any child abuse issues, so there is no flashback there. I woke up feeling sick and nauseas. That's the way my dreams have been going for, like, two months now.

*end triggers*

For two nights in a row now I've felt a violent agitation. I run through the things in my head that I can do to cope. Suicide is one of those things, and I go through everything I can think of and come up with nothing. So I run through the cycle again. Suicide comes up again. I try to think myself out of it, that there has to be something else. I have meds that cause sedation, but they don't act instantly, and during the time in-between I'm panicking. Ideally, I'd be able to talk to someone, but...I'm out of the country. That was a bad move on my part, I should have skipped this trip and gone straight to the hospital.

Sometimes I feel like I just fucking have to scream. Large pillows help. Oh yeah, and I CRIED. Real tears! I NEVER cry.

I've found myself feeling different about people I once thought were important. I'm losing my ability to care about things or feel strong emotions.

I've never felt like I do now. I can't stop ruminating on all my past mistakes and failures. It's nonstop, throughout the whole day. By the end of the day, I'm so please-God-stop-me-from-feeling-like-this agitated that I'm frantic for bedtime meds.

Almost always, I feel like I'm just fighting against the inevitable. I don't expect to live very much longer, not like this. But, again, that's what hospitals are for, right? And, hey, I'm scheduled for an ECT consultation on my birthday, the 29th of this month.

That's all, I suppose.

 

can you cut your trip short and head home early? it's rough that you are away from your regular support system.

 

It sucks when exes sneak back into our thoughts. I know my ex invaded my mind for a while when she first broke up with me. When I sat down and thought about it. I realrealized that I was fixated on her because she cheated on me and left for someone she did not really like. Also because I did not have the confidence to replace her. Yes I said replace and I mean it. Once I started focusing on trying to fix my lack of confidence I was no longer consumed by her.

I do not really know how to deal with nightmares. We all have mistakes that we made in the past. What is done is done. All you can do is learn from those mistakes. Maybe you do not feel like you have learned from those mistakes.

 

My ex is too complicated for her own good. See, we broke up first when I was 17, after which we didn't talk for three years, then we were friends again, then closer friends, then she did something I wasn't ready to forgive, and although we exchanged one text message, we haven't spoken to each other for two years now.

Yeah. It'd be nice to replace her, but...I just haven't found anyone. Maybe my standards are too high, but I feel like I take care of myself well enough to pursue pretty girls. It's not really a confidence issue, I'm just trying to find someone, anywhere.

Nightmares are a bitch. When my ex is involved in them, we always are getting along fine, then before the dream ends she rejects me and refuses to speak to me. Or she's pregnant and wants me to take care of the child, or something else that succeeds in reminding me of her. When I wake up, she's straight in the front of my mind. And then it's like... ugh. :\

 

Sorry dazzle, I meant to reply to you but was in a hurry.

I actually think it would put me in a worse position if I were to fly home. I'm not alone on this trip, so I have some support, albeit no one I'd feel comfortable talking intimate with. If I were at home, I'd be alone, with no one to intervene if I made an attempt.

 

I realize I'm triple-posting, but I really feel the need to say thanks to both of you. Even just a response helps lighten my heart. I feel much better tonight, and hopefully I'll be able to sleep a little sounder.