I'm going if I have the balls

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BrokenHeart34, Apr 16, 2008.

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  1. BrokenHeart34

    BrokenHeart34 New Member

    (I'm French) It's been years that I'm depressed. Since I'm a child the only thing that I wanted is a perfect wife and the rest I don't care about it. But I was unable to meet a girl that would meet my requirements and I'm 23 and that's why I'm depressed. But recently I have met her on the internet and she's perfect, she was the girl that I always dreamt of, however she could only see me as her best friend and a few days ago she told me that she's sure that it's never going to change. I felt so hopeless that I didn't do my school project and it means that I failed at college and it was my last chance. Now that's the final blow to me, people say that there are many fishes in the sea but I know that it's different for me and I know myself very good. I'm going to end it but I don't know what to tell her. I don't know if it would poison her mind if I tell her what I'm going to do.

    Also she doesn't feel ready to meet me in real yet but I want to meet her before I go, I don't know what to do about that because it's important for me that I meet her but I can't wait any longer.

    Also I want to do something good for her and take her debts but it's in another country and I don't know how to do that.

    I plan to absord an overdose of pills and jump from a boat in the middle of the sea so that I'm sure I can't fail it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 16, 2008
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi brokenheart, and welcome.

    i'm sorry to read you are so sad right now. internet relationships can be very difficult and i'm sorry yours didn't grow beyond friendship. i think it would be better to spend time on your own difficulties rather than worrying about paying her debts. it's very well known that an internet scam artist will have many excuses for not meeting, but will instead let you offer to help with their debts. please don't be a victim of that on top of everything else.

    can you get an extension for your school project? when you are unhappy it can be hard to see your options but perhaps a doctor could write a letter to your tutors.

    now for doctors, etc. please consider getting some outside help. feeling suicidal is nothing to be ashamed about, but nor should you act on your feelings. it's just a sign that your load is too heavy right now. you are heartbroken and overwhelmed with school work. a doctor can refer you to mental health services near where you live. it's not as scary as you think, and it is possible to heal from these feelings.
     
  3. BrokenChaos

    BrokenChaos Member

    I would think this would be a romantic endeavor...

    Turning up at her home, with a nice bottle of wine and flowers....

    Seize the opportunity, dont let it slip by

    Take care mate
     
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    broken chaos - she lives in another country, wants money from him, and doesn't want to meet in real life or anything more than friendship. i don't think flowers and wine will help.... i am very sorry but sounds like an internet scam to me....
     
  5. BrokenHeart34

    BrokenHeart34 New Member

    oops wrong button
     
  6. BrokenHeart34

    BrokenHeart34 New Member

    She doesn't want money from me at all, she doesn't know I'll do it, what you say is very insulting. Also, I can't go to a doctor because I'm too shy, not like it would change anything anyway.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 16, 2008
  7. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    well you might be able to leave money to her in your will or something, depends on how French law works I guess, also meeting her after she said she didn't want to meet you might be braking the law, I think Europe has strict laws on what comes under 'stalking' I'm not saying you are I'm just saying I think they have strict interpretations of it.

    If you are going to die I wouldn't tell her about it because it would make her sad.
     
  8. BrokenChaos

    BrokenChaos Member

    Well she is french.... So wouldnt what I suggested be a great way to sweep her off her feet....
    You never know.... it could change everything....

    Or are we so wrapped up in rules etc... that romance is left at the door?

    BrokenHeart34.... take the chance buddy...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 16, 2008
  9. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Brokenheart34, it appears to me that you are only looking at your perspective, not hers. You are pushing your agenda onto her. No wonder she is backing off. No one can live with someone else's agenda, whether it be religion, or culture. For you to take your life because there is a mis-match is very sad indeed. I hope you can begin to look at yourself, your religious beliefs, and your lifestyle based on those beliefs, so you can take a more philosophical view of what's going on. No one is out to hurt you, but people must protect themselves from others who demand that they be like them. I don't believe you are protecting your woman who showed a sincere interest in you, (by failing to understand her needs unless it is in context with yours), but you want more and more and more. This sounds extremely selfish. Sorry. :(
     
  10. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    If you think you have a chance with her, try. If you wanna see her and tell her you are depressed, tell her, but you cant tell her that you will die because of her. It can make her sad and guilty. Im in a similar situation, I know she can never love me, and I cant live without her. But I have another problem, I know that I can NEVER be loved...
     
  11. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Yes, you can live without her. And YOU CAN BE LOVED. What you are thinking right now are lies. I hope you can quiet down, and just stop thinking these incessant thoughts. You can definitely reject all of these thoughts and meditate quietly. You have no idea how meditation can help you accept the 'right' thoughts from the 'destructive' thoughts. That's a beginning, and we all must start at the beginning. There are no shortcuts.
     
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    brokenheart, i am sorry if i misunderstood.

    you say she is in another country and you also wrote that you wanted to help her with her debts. you also told me she does not want to meet you in real life. for most people, those would be very clear warning signs, but if i am wrong i am very sorry. i suppose you would not know unless you met .... does she live very far from you?
     
  13. BrokenHeart34

    BrokenHeart34 New Member

    dazzle11215 it's ok, you are only trying to help, I apologise for my response but I need to defend her honour. She's in another european country but you guys are all in another country too. This is the internet and we meet people from all over the world. She told me that she has debts because I asked why she has two jobs. She's not some kind of scam, we met on a game not a dating site, I know her real info and I have heard her voice. Now that should look like a normal girl to you. She doesn't know that I want to fix her problems.

    peacegirl. I find no peace in religion. If she can't love me in this life she can't love me in the afterlife. God cannot change people and I wouldn't let him hurt her anyway. So any afterlife would be a hell for me. And going to the paradise is the whole point of religion.

    But I'm sensible to your other words. Just so you know, we had planned to meet in the summer for both of us to feel comfortable enough. Things are different for me now because the pain of life is just unbearable. But you are right, I failed to put her needs before mine on this matter and this is a mistake because she's more important than I. So I guess I will wait for her because it's important that I see if her feelings would change in real - which is totally unlikely but I learnt on another forum that it happened to someone else so I have to be sure for that.

    Thanks for all the replies and adieu.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 16, 2008
  14. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    dont be shy about going to the doctors, they are there to help
     
  15. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi brokenheart, you are very gracious, and i'm sorry for my assumptions.

    about the doctor, in a way it doesn't matter if you are shy. thing is, if you are depressed it is an illness, just like a broken leg. a good doctor will help you by referring you to some mental health supports, and if they can treat the depression then maybe the urge to kill yourself will go away. once you start thinking about suicide alot it can be hard to shake the desire without professional help.

    i told my doctor in january, he was the first person i told. i was a mess. i couldn't look him in the eye, i just stared at the carpet and mumbled. all i did was start by saying how low i was feeling, and how much i thought of suicide, like 99% of me wanted to die and 1% thought maybe i should wait a bit, just in case things got better. but i wasn't getting better on my own. so once i said this, he just kindly and gently asked me a bunch of questions, and then referred me for a psych assessment. and so it went... it's 4 1/2 months later and i can go a whole day without feeling suicidal, sometimes several days. it might not seem much but it's been such a relief to have a break from feeling so awful. you never know, you might be surprised at how supportive your doctor is. why not give it a chance? would you really want to leave this world knowing that there was something you did not try in order to feel better?
     
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