I'm going insane and I have to kill myself

Im 18 and I think im going psychotic, I no longer feel any fear, I can't think too far into things, I no longer desire anything I used to either. I started having these headaches around a couple months ago, and couldn't get more than 2 hours of sleep if any sleep a night and that lasted about 2 months. I now feel like I'm a entirely different person, I'm looking back on all the bad ive done and i just don't care. I stole someones iPod, I robbed a kid and all i asked my friend is if the victims deserved it? what kind of fucked up question is that. No one deserves any harm done to them but I just gave in back then, but now I feel no remorse, no empathy, toward anyone. If my mother was crying I won't even bother to ask her whats the matter because I no longer care about anyone's feelings, not even my own. I also feel extreme anxiety when I just look at other men, I feel uncomfortable, threatened , and maybe that's because I was yelled at and beaten as a kid but that's just an excuse, I cant control anyone's emotions, only my own. I used to want nothing in the world but to find a nice to girl and be saved from my miserable life, but now I have no desires or dreams, no reason to live, nothing. I didn't even care when my grandmother died, and my grandfather was in tears. I convinced myself that I had cancer, then that I had a brain tumor, then that I was gay, then that I was possessed, and now I think im addicted to porn. Im going insane and I have to kill myself before I start to turn against people, just because Ive lost my morals, I cant treat other human beings like shit, I have to go now my brothers yelling at me and i don't want him to hurt me.

 

Hi and welcome...sometimes we do things so outside our personalities to evoke some reaction...for me, I did shameful things so that the deep shame I felt from other things, made more sense...please know that when on is depressed, all feelings may be lessened or absent (apathy)...I hope you consider seeing a professional as it sounds like you are so upset about the changes you are feeling...welcome again and I am so glad you are sharing with us...also, you said your brother may hurt you...are you safe?

 

I think that the fact you recognize there is a problem, and the fact that you feel you have "lost your morals," shows that indeed you have not and that something inside of you is still goodness. That being the case, have you sought out professional assistance/help? While it is true that unlike a physical ailment that doctors can open up a text book and find an absolute cure, things which affect the mind and the way of thinking are often not very well understood in the medical community... HOWEVER, things have come a long way in the past 15 or so years and doctors do understand a whole lot more than they did year ago.

Sometimes the medical community has bandages, not cures, but a bandage can often help get someone through an issue so that the other more natural ways of healing can kick in and have room to help out. Personally, I'm not a fan of medications. I woke up yesterday with a horrible back ache due to helping a neighbor cut down a fallen tree after a wind storm we had over the weekend, and my wife kept urging me to take some Aleve (an over the counter pain medication, not unlike aspirin, and I resisted. "I don't like to take any medications," I kept telling her. Finally though, as I could barely move to even turn my head without pain, I gave in and I took 3 of the pills... and 3 more a few hours later. The pain went away. This morning now I have only a faint reminder of my aching. I don't think the pills cured me, but they allowed me the relief so that the natural healing could kick in and now I am fine.

What you are suffering goes far deeper than a strained muscle, but the theory is the same. See a doctor and find out if they have a band aide, or even a cure, that they can help assist you with.

 

I too have done some pretty dumb shit in my life i was addicted to gambling alcohol and a good time no matter who i hurt in the process.I stole to gamble as it was a bad curse yet ive never forgiven myself for this.But i went through a shit load of emotions which started before your age but i was going through them still at your age.I didnt have the help that is around now and this is what you need to find reach out find yourself which is the most important thing you can be guided with help but you have to find that strength too.So yeah get a good therapist and doc and let them help guide you.Also welcome here anytime you need to vent we are here to support also.TAKE CARE

 

I have to join the club and say that I have done some pretty shameful things in my life. The fact you realise there is a problem, and sharing it with us shows that you are a good person, you are just feeling unwell at the moment. I am sorry to hear about your headaches, have you talked to a doctor about them? I would also tell a doctor about how you are feeling, sounds like you are really depressed. You might benefit from some meds or therapy, or both. You say you were beaten as a kid? Sometimes these things come back and haunt us later on in our life. You may not feel like it is a big deal, but it could be at the forefront of a lot your emotions and until you confront it, it will continue to be destructive. Please keep talking to us and see a doctor about things, I think it would help your situation. :hug: