I'm going round in circles

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RogueGrendel, Mar 17, 2008.

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  1. RogueGrendel

    RogueGrendel Member

    I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. Desperation I guess.
    Like the Samaritans I guess venting somewhere just helps.

    So, I was really close to killing myself a couple of weeks ago.
    (By close I mean standing on railway tracks, at past midnight, but I wimped out).
    Since then I've talked to people, but I can never get them to understand why I feel like this, I've tried analysing myself, but the feelings keep coming back.
    I'm not feeling so bad tonight but I'm terrified that the darkness is going to come back and then I'll try again.

    I don't believe in religion or God, so please don't give me any of that stuff.

    Okay I'm rambling now, and I guess i need a question here, so here it is:

    Who do I talk to? Who is going to be willing to listen to me long enough to understand? Am I always going to feel like this? Because at the moment I feel like I'm on the edge and I've already fallen in before, I really don't want to go there again.

    Thanks for reading, any thoughts would be appreciated.
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am always open to talking if and when you feel comfortable. You could also try a crisis line if it gets to that place. There are many caring people here at SF. There is usually someone here willing to talk. Please take care. :hug:
     
  3. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Hi! I will not tell you anything about that Gods stuff or something, im not going to tell hang on, its gonna be better, because you are the one who knows in what situation you are, and also I dont want really to hear this kind of things. But, Im going to ask you to say something more about your problems and your depression. Why are you feeling like you describe?
     
  4. RogueGrendel

    RogueGrendel Member

    Okay, yeah, that was unfair.

    In the interim from posting this i did find one of the chatrooms though which was really good.

    Erm, where to begin?

    I'm sure my upbringing or family situation has some freudian impact but to be honest I've just lost faith in humanity as a species.

    I'm 30, I'm a f*** up and the world seems to get scarier by the day.

    I don't believe in God, (actually I actively reject the concept), which leaves me with the belief that the only reason that we are here is to reproduce and create the next generation. Well, for reasons I won't bore you with here I wll never fulfill my biological imperative.

    I reject, our current concept of democracy and yet I can't work out a way to improve the world.

    I'm about to go bankrupt, (a far longer process than you would imagine), I'm currently unemployed and have no interest in any of the careers I'm qualified for.

    Existential angst, I suppose it's called, but it's worse than just thinking why am i here? It's like I'm swimming through treacle, or treading water,

    Then something triggers me. And it gets worse. Then I can't cope, and I try to end it.
     
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Rogue. I'm not a very religious person either, but I do believe in God. It helps to believe in God, especially during our most difficult times, because it gives you some belief that there is a purpose to our lives. I agree that the world is a scary place. People are really mean to eachother and it seems to be getting worse every day. But we can't give up. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect (except for God). :hug:
     
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