I'm going to be home alone tommorow the 5th.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ryanglander, Jan 4, 2010.

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  1. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    My mom called me crying saying "What's wrong, you just seemed so sad" [earlier when she saw me]. She is going with my brother away for a day. I'll be able to return to my house alone. I'm going to watch a depressive movie, then kill myself.

    Good bye.
  2. Colourful

    Colourful Well-Known Member

    Why don't you talk to your mum about what's wrong? She clearly cares about you and can see that there is something wrong, why don't you reach out to her?
    You don't have to do this, there is always hope, I really believe that, no matter how bad you feel right now.
    Please talk to your mum about what's going on.
  3. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    She clearly cares about me? How the hell do you know that? I tried talking to her a week ago and she didn't care. When my dad was sick she told me to just "deal with it" [a specific problem] then smirked at me.

    A person who cares does not say those things. There is reason to continue in pain. Sometimes euthanasia is the answer. Nothing can force her to care, or force sincerity on any person.

    Fear has kept me from doing it, but not anymore because [methods - mod edit].
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please don't do it. :hug: Here if you want to talk.
  5. AfterFact

    AfterFact Well-Known Member

    Dont do it, dont make the mistake of so many others. If you fail your life will be even worse, and if you succeed so many other people will be hurt even if you dont think so.

    As a person experinced with this, I beg you not to make the mistake I made, the mistake that has ruined my life almost beyond repair. Live and you will be rewarded beyond your comprehension.
  6. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I don't beleive in heaven. My method is very lethal, and it will either work, or it won't, its not something that will leave me alive, yet physically injured somehow.

    I don't even know why I post on here, the last time I tried to kill myself 6 months ago I was on here asking for help, and I can see thinking about this site contributed to me not doing it, so I won't be on here anymore.

    Its funny the things that go through your mind right before your about to die.

    Thanks for everything, and I wish you all will finish your lives in the least amount of pain as possible.
  7. AfterFact

    AfterFact Well-Known Member

    I dont care if you think your method is lethal chances are you will survive. Even with a gun you can survive, and if you survive that you will messed up for the rest of your life. Dont do it. Come on, wait a few days, clear your head, then decide. Though I guess you are already dead. If you are dead, your parents will most likely find this site sooner or later. So to your Parents, I am sorry for your loss.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Obvioulsly your mother cares or she would not see the pain you are in. if she didn't care she would be blind to that. Have you ever thought she was suffering trying to deal with her pain her suffering she is only human. You doing this will only cause more suffering and more sadness why:::: Stop the cycle and get help go get something for your depression get strong so you can be there for your mother and her there for you. Open up a bit and see she does care alot or why else would she be crying for you.
  9. asking_advice

    asking_advice Well-Known Member

    ryan, do you realize what i said before? you need to be strong and dont rely in sf too much. i did the same thing you did here. i lost an important friend here because i cant control my emotion and cant relax in life.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    There are people who want to try and help, but you have to let us.
  11. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I took an illegal substance that is going to help me sleep tonight. Although I am going to be home alone tommorow, the overwhelming anxiety of imminent death is unbearable. I am not going to kill myself tommorow. It is impossible without the use of some drug which can allieve the fear of death and the painkiller I just took (although makes me feel good) does not get rid of the fear.

    And no I'm not going to shoot myself, a gun is not lethal (compared to my method). My method has been proposed as a way to put people on death row to death, rest assured, the fear of dieing can only be overcome with "lots" of drugs and a trigger.

    Someone posted "Good luck" in my profile after I said I was going to kill myself in here. Whoever the hell did should get a life because that doesn't help me, it just increases anxiety of death, and while living makes me feel worse. Go suck on a lemon, mabye you'll develop a sweeter personality.
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm glad you aren't going to kill yourself tomorrow. :hug:
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Glad you have reconsidered! Keep us updated on how you're doing :arms:
  14. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I feel for you and I'm sorry life is hard at this moment...I'm glad you've decided to fight and keep on living...I can so relate to what you're saying...some days I just wish I could die and it would all be over...

    parents can be kind of mean when they dont know how to help a situation...your mom probably didn't know how to help you so she just said what she said..you should tell her that its not helping you and you need her to just listen and support you...

    my dad was the same way...he didn't care how I felt as long as I went to school and everything looked good from the outside world...I've tried talking to my dad but it didnt help at all...I found other people who were willing to listen and help me...I held onto them and was able to live through a hell of a lot of things...

    here there are loads of people who are willing to listen to you, to support you...sadly its only on the site but maybe you can find a therapist? either at school or the hospital, even ask at a clinic for references...

    please keep talking to us...we're here..:hug:
  15. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    Sometimes "good luck" means - you'd better succeed dying than living horribly crippled after surviving the attempt.
    I am just guessing here, sorry if I am wrong.
  16. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Thank you again,
    You see though, even now I want to die, I just cannot plan my suicide, its too scary. I don't understand how the suicide rate could be so high (almost) 2%. However when I consider most of the suicides are the result of guns, it makes sense because an impulsive suicide with gun I would have done by now if I had a gun, but with my method, you feel yourself departing and it scares you so much that you stop the "suicide machine".

    I would never use a gun because I read only like 70% of all people succeed that use a gun, and if you consider that the other 30% end up alive but brain-dead, or worse, its just not worth the risk....

    I can't talk to my mom. She yells at me, screams a lot, she herself is not stable, my problem is I have no support, no one to talk to, and I have very painful memories (without going into details) that I have experienced these past 12-months.

    And theres still constant reminders of the pain and its unbearable. I have overwhelming rage (justifiably so, I won't explain my problems though), extreme sadness, and most of all hopelessness.

    I have had this lethal method for 6 months. During the summer I'll be in an apartment alone, if I don't feel better by then, I can't see myself living past 8 months from now.
  17. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    That may be true, but its still very inappropriate and unhelpful, I think encouraging suicide is one of the worst crimes someone could commit. I wouldn't type that to someone.
  18. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm really sorry your mom won't listen to you. :hug: Always here if you want to talk, even if you just need someone to listen or feel like venting and getting some stuff out.
  19. CarCrash

    CarCrash Member

    Thankfully you decided not to go through with your plan... I was never really suicidal before. Even when things go wrong, and I know deep down in my heart, things may never be what how I'd want them to be, I'd like to still think there is some kind of possibility of some kind of turn. Killing yourself is just giving up. No one will ever know what's on the other side, but I'd rather live as much as I can here on this side even if I'm suffering a lot than to take that gamble and see what's up on the other. I guess I'm one of those people who see death as no return. There are no options, no more chances. I know most people probably feel like there is like no way out on this side, but there has to be. You just have to be strong in some way. Then, most people would think it's completely unfair for some people to have to be stronger than others. Well, that's pretty much a universal feeling we all have to deal with. There are kids all over the world who have nothing at all, seriously no chance or options immediately available to them. They don't even have internet to access this forum to try to seek help. I know it seems like there's no way out, but if you have even a trace amount of possibility to try to heal yourself, then go for it. We're in better positions than thousands of others who are born in some crazy hell, and we better take advantage of it. Someday, maybe we can help them. Sorry, I kind of just rambled on there, but if you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. Once again, I'm glad you didn't pull through with your plan. There HAS to be another way. Life sucks, I know, but is death really the answer?
  20. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member


    Carcrash - The random suffering, how there are billions of people living in poverty, and in pain, and starvation, that is what has closed my mind to any idea that life here is not hopeless. Theres even animals that die in the wild suffering, people freak out when they see animal abuse, but they don't freak out when they see animals in the wild in great pain, think of how many animals out there are in pain from starvation, from predators ripping them apart, from anything. The truth is, theres so much pain out there that I think most people are better off dead. I don't see it as giving up, but being enlightened into the best choice. In fact it is the idea - the beleif that we are better off dead that has contributed to me plotting my demise even when I feel happy.

    Exposing myself constantly to the idea of death, will eventually decrease the fear, and I know unless something drastic changes in my life - that I will be dead within 8 months. I re
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