Hi, I a new one here. I'm 25 Russian girl currently living abroad, so pardon my English and spelling, pls. I decided to kill myself by the end of August, when my husband goes away on a business trip. I already have enough <mod edit: bunny - methods> to do it. And also <mod edit: bunny - methods>. The thing that bugs me is that <mod edit: bunny - methods> were bought by my mother and though she made a lot of bad things to me I don't want her to feel responsible and guilty. Also I have a brother my age who as myself has a history of depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety. I think how will my suicide affect him? Another thing is since I live abroad, should I go back to Moscow at least for a week to see my family one last time? This is a VERY important question for me. I've been in therapy for 1,5 years and now understand where my problems came from. Also I understand by now that I'm too weak to work on myself to become more well-adjusted to life. I'm shy, insecure, have a borderline disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, my social skills are poor. I've been depressed for the last 12 years. I tried all sorts of medications. I give up. I'm tired to struggle every day. I'm unhappily married to possessive and controling man and I'm financially depended on him as well. Every 2 years we move to another country in Europe because of his work. I can't adapt to it and have to learn new language every time. I can't work because I can't go through job interview. I don't have guts to divorce him, because I don't want go back to Moscow and live with my mother again. And even in Russia I can't find a decent job that is paid enough so I can rent a flat. I'm tired. But since I've made a decision to die I started to feel better. My only concern is that my death will traumatized my brother and my mother. I forgave her for all she did to me. She is old and I want her to live her life in peace. I love my brother very much, he is the closest person to me. This is all I have to say.