I'm going to commit suicide soon

[This_Road_Will_Never_End]

Hi,

I a new one here. I'm 25 Russian girl currently living abroad, so pardon my English and spelling, pls.

I decided to kill myself by the end of August, when my husband goes away on a business trip. I already have enough <mod edit: bunny - methods> to do it. And also <mod edit: bunny - methods>.

The thing that bugs me is that <mod edit: bunny - methods> were bought by my mother and though she made a lot of bad things to me I don't want her to feel responsible and guilty. Also I have a brother my age who as myself has a history of depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety. I think how will my suicide affect him?

Another thing is since I live abroad, should I go back to Moscow at least for a week to see my family one last time? This is a VERY important question for me.

I've been in therapy for 1,5 years and now understand where my problems came from. Also I understand by now that I'm too weak to work on myself to become more well-adjusted to life. I'm shy, insecure, have a borderline disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, my social skills are poor. I've been depressed for the last 12 years. I tried all sorts of medications. I give up. I'm tired to struggle every day.

I'm unhappily married to possessive and controling man and I'm financially depended on him as well. Every 2 years we move to another country in Europe because of his work. I can't adapt to it and have to learn new language every time. I can't work because I can't go through job interview. I don't have guts to divorce him, because I don't want go back to Moscow and live with my mother again. And even in Russia I can't find a decent job that is paid enough so I can rent a flat.

I'm tired. But since I've made a decision to die I started to feel better.

My only concern is that my death will traumatized my brother and my mother. I forgave her for all she did to me. She is old and I want her to live her life in peace. I love my brother very much, he is the closest person to me.

This is all I have to say.

 

[Mio]

Hello and welcome to the forum
My name's Mio and I'm from Russia too I live not far from S-Pb (Tosno) if you know.
I just want to say: please, don't give up.
If you ever need me, please, pm (private message) me. Or come to chat.
I can send you my email adress and we can talk in Russian
Try to cope.
...and take care...

Mio

 

[LtRoarke]

Hello and welcome to SF Sometimes it seems as if it's just too much work to go on, but you must not give up. Life is a precious gift that is too often taken for granted. I understand how you must feel-it has to be very stressful to live in a alien country with a man you're unsure of, and all the aspects of depression. Stay with us and please do not give up. There are a lot of people who care about you. Relax and have a great day!

 

[Forgotten_Man]

I will try to keep this simple.. no offense to you of course.

Well the fact that you are having second thoughts is a good thing.<mod edit: Robin - Could be construed as encouraging>. The truth is that if you do kill yourself you will hurt someone.... your family will probably be hurt the most, especially if your bother is the way you say he is.

I am sorry to hear of your marraige... but it sounds like this is the main thing depressing you. In your position you will have to give up a lot when you divorice him. I think that you are more scared of losing what you have then your husband himself.

I do not know what you are looking for here.... I am hoping that you can find it... I know that we will all try to help you find it.

 

[This_Road_Will_Never_End]

Hey, guys and thanks you all for replies. I'm really scared for my brother, cos now he seems to do quite good considering his condition.

But the thing that scares me most of all is that I KNOW i'm too weak to del with personality problems and disorders. I KNOW that cos I tried and I failed many times.

My hubby tries to work out our problems, i don't give a dmna, cos I don't care about him since long time ago. He is so controlling. I don't even have keys from our flat anymore and my being online is highly restricted. I know what i'm going to do it. I just try to live my last days with as much fun as possible.

What do u think should I go to Moscow to meet my relatives and friends for the last time or would it be too cruel? Of course I'm not gonna tell them about my decision.

 

[yeh.]

im also afraid because of the pain that i've been left behind. i really i dont feel anything. but im scared because they'r also trying to work out their own things.. we've been poor and stuff and i know i would devastate many peeps. others i dont care. but other i know they feel about me. i guess we all make our decisions for several reasons. i think is wrong for me to try to find solutions..i think it'd be cruel to kill ourselves no matter what we do. im sorry we'r struggling. we'r hea.

 

[Daniel]

Of course go and meet your relatives and friends and enjoy it as well.

 

[gentlelady]

Maybe if you go and meet them, you may feel better about the things going on in your life. You can find happiness again. Things may be tough now, but keep looking. :hug: