I'm going to die soon.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ferg, Apr 27, 2016.

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  1. Ferg

    Ferg Member

    I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of failing. I don't have any more fight in me to continue.

    Life is shit, it's just another hurdle, you get beat down you get back up. Not this time, I'm too far gone. Tired of living and tired of fighting and always losing and failing.

    This failure is the last drop in a glass already too full.

    I will die sooner rather than later, I just don't know when. But I know I can't live with this pain anymore, the constant pain, the constant darkness.

    I just don't want to be selfish, but no one I know understand how I am feeling and they cannot help me.

    It will become too much, I will die, I just don't know when. I don't know when it will overcome me.
     
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum @Ferg

    I am terribly sorry you feel this bad. And I'm sorry to hear you feel like you're failing. Can I ask you what is going on? Why do you feel this way?
    Do you think talking about things would help you a bit?

    If you haven't already I really urge you to seek help, if you feel really desperate please call a help line or even better go to the hospital and let them help you.
    And seek a counselor or a therapist.

    Please get yourself some help. You deserve to live, and you deserve to feel a lot better than this.

    *hugs*
     
  3. Ferg

    Ferg Member

    I had depression before and was unemployed, and then I found a lifeline which helped me get back up. Not long ago I lost that lifeline again, and my depression came back in full force worse than ever.

    I just feel like I am going insane, there's so much pain and so much darkness that I can't think straight and I'm just crippled unable to do anything.

    Everyone I have spoken to is all about saying it will be fine, it was just a job and there will be other things. But it wasn't just my job to me, it was my life, it was the reason I was alive, I felt I had a future again in something that I loved. And now that is gone and it just feels like I lost my life already, all that is left is a heartbeat.

    I don't have the opportunity to seek help. Even if I did it wouldn't do anything. After a decade of severe depression I'm too far gone.
     
  4. Maniae

    Maniae Member

    Hey Ferg,
    I sympathize with you. I know the feelings all too well. They are reoccurring.

    Often, What others see as a scratch, the person injured see as an open wound.
    So of course your loved ones will speak TRUTH about the situation, but right now your reality is blinded with pain & disappointment.
    Your looking at what you see NOW, they recognized your worth, potential, and strength. That is why they encourage you to THINK positively, because they know it will be fine & want you to realize it as well. They see the whole you, not the broken you that you're looking at.
    Happier days will come.
    Techniques I have tried to give my brain relief is maybe watching a really good movie, playing game apps,
    here's a big one Ferg..... help someone.
    Be it someone who is on SF needing guidance- respond to a post, someone you observe shopping. .. just give them a few dollars or help carry their bags.
    Just something to take your mind off of yourself momentarily.

    You might find some joy in the midst of your pain.
    I pray that you do.
    Look in the mirror and tell yourself "You're amazing" especially if you're not feeling amazing.
     
    hereigoagain and Brian777 like this.
  5. Ferg

    Ferg Member

    Thank you for the words.

    I know they mean well with what they say, but it's like you say this is not just an open wound, but a critical injury. They don't see the same as I do, they don't understand how much it meant to me.

    As much as I wish I wouldn't be sitting around whining about how my life is ending I can't help it. Since I lost it I have tried to find something else, I have exhausted every option and nothing has paid off. There is nothing else I can see myself doing and it feels like such a failure because I didn't lose it because of something I did.

    Not matter how hard I try I cannot think positively, I can't even think longer than 3 hours ahead. My mind is blank and blackened by negative thoughts and I'm afraid to go away from home because I'm scared I will do something stupid.

    I sit every day and cry, I can barely sleep and depression is is just taking over my life.

    It was just so important to me and now it's gone just like that.
     
  6. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hey Ferg, I think I understand how you feel. I am an old lady. Have had depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. With a few periods of respite to cherish. Now I can't help but feel I have reached the age where everything is going downhill and only going to get worse. I am not really sure why I keep on going. Probably because every fiber of my being SCREAMS that suicide is wrong! It is throwing away every chance of even a few days or weeks of pleasure that might come. I hope you will look back on that job that you lost and remember how you felt when you had it. It sounds like you really liked it and felt good then. Please consider this loss as only a temporary setback. Most setbacks are. Keep looking for a new position, even volunteer work. Look for an opportunity that will bring you the same satisfaction that your last job did. There is one out there! Please give yourself time to find it.
     
    bobbob and Maniae like this.
  7. Ferg

    Ferg Member

    I am not religious. Nor will I ever be. There are no answers for me in religion, be that islam, christianity or buddism.

    I appreciate the words but I cannot find any rays of light in my life right now. I can't be amongst people as all I do is want to cry. I can't have a conversation because all I do is cry.

    My mind is so black, so lost. I have no control over my emotions and the sadness is radiating out and I'm incapable of smiling. If I do it's fake.

    There is no happiness. There will be no happiness.

    Today is my birthday and all I can think of when i get congratulated is how much I want to die and not live to see my next birthday.

    My life means nothing to me.
     
  8. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I can't know how you're feeling, but I can relate. I was once so depressed and lost I attempted to take my life. Luckily I failed. After that I started screaming every single time I needed help, not literally but I would tell anyone and everyone that I wanted to die until someone listened and helped. I was in and out of hospitals, but once I was in treatment and one the right meds my life turned around. I graduated, I married and had a son, I'm now expecting my second.
    Unfortunately my husband suffered with the same thing you are.. he took his life around a month ago. What he could never understand was that he needed to know he had a RIGHT to be happy. And sometimes we have to fight for our rights. Nothing worthwhile in this world comes without a fight. You are worth that fight. I promise you, give yourself the benefit of the doubt. No one will do it for you, although many many people will help if you just bluntly tell them how you feel. Message me anytime you need to. Hugs.
     
  9. Ferg

    Ferg Member

    I have left everything that has to do with my job today.

    Seen others take over what I have done.

    I'm just numb, I'm not even feeling anything it's all just numb. I want to cry and be depressed but I just have nothing in me anymore. Like I'm an empty shell incapable of thought and emotion.

    I think my day is coming closer and closer.
     
  10. Hi Ferg, I signed up just to reply to you.

    I suffer extreme anxiety on a daily basis, and live with a worsening depression daily also.

    I had a stroke in my early twenties that sent me slowly spiraling out of control.

    I have had the dark thoughts that you speak of, feelings of loss , feeling that no-one cares to help even if it would save my life, feelings of destroyed chances for a better life, feelings of betrayal from society, feeling like the world is too much to handle, feelings of alienation, visions of disasters taking place, horrible thoughts of extremely unnatural things taking place, feeling like there's nobody who will understand in depth of the situation that I feel I'm in so that I don't even mention how I'm feeling. Feelings of being worthless, or in such mental agony that I can't even move. Feelings of lost opportunities that will never return, feelings helplessness and the sadness that comes from being selfish.

    I could go on and on. But my reason for posting is to let you know that your post sparked the will power of everyone who replied to your post, and you brought out the need to release to some positivity and encouragement from each of us into the world( me included ), and in turn increased the outpouring of heart felt thoughts towards another human who is suffering. You did good bro/sis , try to keep yourself going and we can keep this life and trying to help each other going.

    Tears to you my friend. I hope that things will go your way soon and that you can find reasons to be happy. I find lots of joy helping perfect strangers, I will wait a few seconds for that elderly woman to walk to the door and open it for her, my day wasn't that busy, if you can bring the slightest positive things into someone's else's life then It gives you reason to live, it increases another humans self worth, which increases that person's happiness which in turn increased the chances of that human being to do something considerate and kind to and for another person in the future, which in turn brightens your own future and the future of other generations to come.

    It sounds silly, but I really believe this is true, if I sent some thing going around, be it love/ kindness/sharing that someday , my love kindness/sharing will come back around to me or someone near me<--( which in turn still benefits me). What goes around comes around, more of us should be sending it!!

    It is a sickness of mankind to be inconsiderate of other human beings and this overly selfish mindset will be what destroys our species, and planet.

    I've decided to be kind, caring, considerate, loving, proactive In helping others. It's helped me pull away from being suicidal, I hope maybe you can at least consider it.

    If I strayed from the topic a bit, please forgive me, I just wanted to release what I could for now, hope this helps someone.



    Keep your heads up everyone, Smiles.
     
    NYJmpMaster likes this.
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