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I'm going to do it again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by bipolarkitty, Jan 6, 2007.

  1. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    It's either cut or take the pills and die.

    I'm going to. I know it. I'm too weak to fight against the hurt anymore. I rationalize it by telling myself that it'll keep me from taking all those pills that I have.

    Cause I really want to take the pills. I really really do.

    It would be so easy. I wouldn't even have to swallow them. They're melt-tabs. I haven't been taking the prescription for at least 6 months, even though I'm supposed to be taking it. So I have a lot of them. Is it enough, I wonder? The thought of just going to sleep and not waking up is so seductive. I was feeling so good and then, out of nowhere, here I am, back again in this hell.

    I don't want to be here again. I've worn out my passport and used up all my frequent flyer miles going back and forth between bliss and hell. Don't ask me what that meant. I have no idea. It's just what my exhausted mind spit out and told my fingers to type.
  2. music_addict

    music_addict Well-Known Member

    Hey, I hate to hear that you're feeling so badly. Has something happened?
    I hope you dont hurt yourself. I know how bad it can get, how bad it hurts, and how it feels that death is the only way to end the pain. But you have to hold on. You have to gather every last bit strength and resolve that you have left, and just keep on fighting. It may feel like you'll never win, but you can and will. I have total faith that you can.
    Please take care. and, if you need to talk to someone dont hesitate to PM me.
  3. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Well, I didn't do either. It was really hard, but I didn't. I realized I had to get off SF last night. It was triggering me too bad. Reading all the posts of people in such deep despair made me feel so hopeless.

    I'm not feeling any better today. I still don't know what I'm going to do. I want to be manic again. That felt so much better than this despair and hopelessness.

    Thanks for your reply, I think if no one had replied at all I would have felt so much worse.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Kitty, sometimes I think bad feelings just hit for no rhyme or reason.
    Thursday I was fine all day and yet by evening (and no nothing had happened) I was a crying morose puddle of depression. God knows why, cos I haven't got a clue.

    It hung on me all thru friday to the point that I started working out how to end things with the least amount of damage to everyone.

    Still not out of the woods, can feel the awful blackness lurking at the back of my head, but there is a glimmer of light.

    Perhaps when these bad times hit we should reach out for each other a bit more than we do..seems the whole community sits on its own when times are really bad, then comes in and posts when we're over the worst of it.

    Just a thought.
  5. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Yeah, they definitely hit for no reason with me. And because of that it always catches me off guard.

    I'm sorry you're going through it too, Dev. Are you feeling better now?

    You're right. I think we should all reach out more when we need it the most. One of the worst parts of depression is the vicious cycle of isolation. We feel so bad that we isolate, which makes us lonely and feel worse. Then we isolate more. And it keeps spiralling down and down from there.
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Yeah, I'm coming out of it Kit, though feels a bit 1 step forward 6 steps back.
    If you ever need to please feel free to pm me or email me (my email is in my profile). Don't let the darkness take over.