I wonder how many threads in the Crisis section I've made. This might be my last. I know people here don't really know me, but that's okay. Nothing really matters much anymore. I, am tired. Really tired. Excausted. More than exchausted. Why? Because of life. It's exchausting and I'm tired and sick of waiting for it to change. "Everything will be alright for you soon, you'll see", was all they've been saying to me. For the past few years. It never gets better. And in the end I always realize I am alone in this. It's funny how, sometimes, I think that someone actually would care enough to stay by my side. But I lost them all one by one. In a slow process, too, as if to extend the pain. I've always been invisible. You know, the girl that is there but not actually there. At least, while being there, she just goes unnoticed by everyone and everything. Like a shadow or something. Yeah, that's true. Through middle school, high school, college..always invisible. And the one, the one person who didn't think I was invisible had to be taken away from me. I wish I could have switched places with him. He deserved to live. He wanted to live. But fate had it that he had his life grasped away from him as if it was nothing. It was a normal day like any other and suddenly he...he was just gone. Just like that. Even now as I think about it I can't bring myself to believe it. I still think it's some sort of dream I'm supposed to wake up from sometime. I couldn't go to his funeral. I couldn't bring myself up to it. I knew I would want to throw myself in with him so he wouldn't be alone. And I couldn't hear his mother's screams, I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep ever again. The hospital screams were far more than enough. I don't even remember it properly, I remember it as if it were an illusion. And I'm scared of phone calls now, because of all this. He was just so optimistic all the time. Seemed so popular and carefree and just in love with life itself. I admired that about him. He knew about my suicidal tendencies, my past, including me being abused by my parents. He gave me a shoulder to cry on as many times as I needed it. And he told me about himself. I got to know him aside from everything everyone else thought about him. He had been thinking of suicide, too. Said he wasn't meant for this world. That he felt like everything was a lie. But then again, he said, he wouldn't do it, because he hopes in life itself. I remember how I thought he was beautiful, inside out. We connected so well it was like my words added up to his own. I loved him. I still do. I never told him, but I loved him. I don't know if he did, but it doesn't matter. I just want him back. And I can't have that. I am so messed up right now. I found some of our pictures and I couldn't bear to look at them. I can't even bear to think of his face or anything about him. I want to go to wherever he is. And if I can't find him when I go, then at least I won't be stuck in a world where every thought brings unending pain. I prefer unending nothingnes. But I really, just want to be with him. I can't forget. If I could, I would have done so years ago. I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. I'm out of energy. I'm exchausted. I haven't slept in what feels like 60 hours. And I just want to be with the person I feel safe with, wherever he is. I'm sorry. I am not so strong after all. If this is my last post, please know that I'm not strong enough to deal with this. I can't take it anymore. I'm tired.