I'm going to let go.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Hanging_Hope, Feb 7, 2010.

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  1. Hanging_Hope

    Hanging_Hope Active Member

    I wonder how many threads in the Crisis section I've made.

    This might be my last.

    I know people here don't really know me, but that's okay.

    Nothing really matters much anymore.

    I, am tired. Really tired. Excausted. More than exchausted.

    Why? Because of life. It's exchausting and I'm tired and sick of waiting for it to change.

    "Everything will be alright for you soon, you'll see", was all they've been saying to me. For the past few years. It never gets better.

    And in the end I always realize I am alone in this.

    It's funny how, sometimes, I think that someone actually would care enough to stay by my side. But I lost them all one by one. In a slow process, too, as if to extend the pain.

    I've always been invisible. You know, the girl that is there but not actually there. At least, while being there, she just goes unnoticed by everyone and everything. Like a shadow or something. Yeah, that's true. Through middle school, high school, college..always invisible.

    And the one, the one person who didn't think I was invisible had to be taken away from me. I wish I could have switched places with him. He deserved to live. He wanted to live. But fate had it that he had his life grasped away from him as if it was nothing. It was a normal day like any other and suddenly he...he was just gone. Just like that. Even now as I think about it I can't bring myself to believe it. I still think it's some sort of dream I'm supposed to wake up from sometime.

    I couldn't go to his funeral. I couldn't bring myself up to it. I knew I would want to throw myself in with him so he wouldn't be alone. And I couldn't hear his mother's screams, I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep ever again. The hospital screams were far more than enough. I don't even remember it properly, I remember it as if it were an illusion. And I'm scared of phone calls now, because of all this.

    He was just so optimistic all the time. Seemed so popular and carefree and just in love with life itself. I admired that about him. He knew about my suicidal tendencies, my past, including me being abused by my parents. He gave me a shoulder to cry on as many times as I needed it. And he told me about himself. I got to know him aside from everything everyone else thought about him. He had been thinking of suicide, too. Said he wasn't meant for this world. That he felt like everything was a lie. But then again, he said, he wouldn't do it, because he hopes in life itself.

    I remember how I thought he was beautiful, inside out. We connected so well it was like my words added up to his own. I loved him. I still do. I never told him, but I loved him. I don't know if he did, but it doesn't matter. I just want him back. And I can't have that.

    I am so messed up right now. I found some of our pictures and I couldn't bear to look at them. I can't even bear to think of his face or anything about him. I want to go to wherever he is. And if I can't find him when I go, then at least I won't be stuck in a world where every thought brings unending pain. I prefer unending nothingnes.

    But I really, just want to be with him. I can't forget. If I could, I would have done so years ago. I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. I'm out of energy. I'm exchausted. I haven't slept in what feels like 60 hours. And I just want to be with the person I feel safe with, wherever he is.

    I'm sorry. I am not so strong after all. If this is my last post, please know that I'm not strong enough to deal with this. I can't take it anymore. I'm tired.
     
  2. Anni

    Anni Well-Known Member

    *hug* im sorry :(
    try to hold on just that little bit longer, talk to some people here. reconsider this. :(
     
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I read your entire post and I am very sorry for your loss. I am also sorry to hear you feel so very tired, but I understand.

    I don't know you very well and even if I did I don't know I would have the right words to convince you not to end you life. The words to convince you that the answer/relief you seek may be just around the corner, a day away, a friend away...you just never know.

    I can offer you my friendship and the promise to be by your side through it all, of course not in the way he was but as a friend who really cares about you. What do you say?

    Maybe together we could find a path out of your pain, a path that leads so happiness and the things you seek in life. You never know if you don't try so please hang in there and be strong.

    We are all here for you so please keep posting so we can reach out and carry you through this difficult time.

    YOu may PM me if you would like to talk more, I really care and may be able to offer you some things you have not tried yet...


    Take care, love Bambi
     
  4. dostrescuatro

    dostrescuatro Member

    Things happen for a reason. Probably one of the most cliché phrases ever created. I, personally, think it's true. I think that if everyone was aware of this we could have a more positive opinion on life.

    Try to let aside the pain for a little while. Think about the things he taught you, while in life and after he was gone. Use them. Use every small thing you have learned from him. You say he was optimistic, then let yourself be a little optimistic too, remember the nice things he said and know that he wasn't lying. Remember him. That is the closest you will get to him.

    Please, don't do anything to yourself. Let yourself go out there and start a better life. Take up a new hobbie. Live. Only life will let you meet new people.
     
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