I'm going to ruin lives if I do it. Anyone else really worry about this?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pogosticker, Apr 28, 2012.

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  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    My family has crumbled over the years. Now there's just me and my little sister who live together, my dad who's an alcoholic mess, and my older sister who lives a hundred miles away and has always been the one who runs around after us and our problems. Pretty much the only 2 people I truly care about are my sisters. We've all been through so much crap throughout our lives. I can tell my older sister is unhappy with her life.. she moved away to get away from all the drama and now has a nice house, car, boyfriend and a high paying job.. but her only family really is me and our little sister. If I go she'll only have my little sister - and to be honest my little sister barely sees her any more because she's more concerned with friends/boyfriends.

    I realise how much it will destroy them.. we lost our mother and that shattered our lives and altered them completely. That's why our dad's an alcoholic and our lives got screwed up. I know that if I kill myself they won't be able to handle it.. but despite knowing that, I can't keep on living just so they're kept content.

    I've had many half-arsed attempts over the years, and one I'd call serious.. but even that one wasn't completely serious really.

    But it has got to the point where I no longer get upset, no longer think "do I really want to die or am I secretly hoping I get saved?" and just want to do it and make sure it's done right. I've done the whole OD thing, as well as the wrist slitting thing.. but of course neither of them are 'true' methods (I'm not saying people don't die from them, nor does everyone not really want to die when they use these methods - of course people have and do.) I've been thinking a lot about hanging myself. It's relatively quick (compared to other methods.)

    I just know it will destroy what's left of my already emotionally screwed up family. I'm only 20 and can't live decade after decade just to keep them happy.

    I'll keep my note short and simple, "I love you, but how can you be expected to live when you don't love yourself? I'm sorry but I can't go on living for you. I'm happy and 100% sure about this, so try not to be too sad. It's nobody's fault. Hate me if it makes it easier for you to deal with. I'm selfish but I'm tired and can't be around any more. I'm sorry."
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    My son left us.
    I could fill volumes with the impact it has had on my wife, myself, and his two brothers.
    Please find another way. I don't know what you've done already to find help, but it is never enough. Keep trying. Please.
  3. saltydogmk

    saltydogmk Member

    It sounds like you've been through so much :( I am so sorry to hear that you feel like suicide is the only way out :( I too deal with suicidal thoughts and the only thing that really keeps me from going through with it is my grandmother. I live with her because everyone has given up on me and she is the only one who will take a chance and take me in. I truly hope you don't commit suicide and I want to be here for you if you need someone. If you ever want to talk I will give you my yahoo messenger address if you would like to vent or ask for help. My address is saltydogmk1979@yahoo.com I hate to see you suffer so much, believe I know what it's like to deal with suicidal and self mutilating thoughts on a daily basis. I will be praying for you as I am sure everyone who reads you post will be. If you would like I can share with you my personal experience's with you if it will help. We can vent to eachother and be a supportive of one another. Please be safe *hug
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I m sorry you lost your mother i lost mine at 19 and was very hard to deal with my dad simular he went to pieces after she died.To take your life you will cause more devestation too your family sounds like you really care about your sisters.You need to reach out for help even talk too your oldest sister.Instead of dreaming up all these methods (and i will say all that you described can actually cock your life up more)use that energy on working to get well.You can get well again and start living a good life yes going to be few bumps along the way but that is life.
  5. LN123

    LN123 New Member

    I feel the same way. I know five people that have killed themselves and the families will never understand why. It's horrbile. That's what's holding me back. I know my family wouldn't understand.. I wish I could just feel better. Stay strong. Maybe you should go talk to someone. I'm thinking about it.
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