I'm going to take the step

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ashla86, Oct 25, 2007.

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  1. ashla86

    ashla86 Active Member

    There is one person on my facebook I have added that I feel I can talk to. She is a friend of my sisters but has come to be an acquaintance of mine. I sent her a message through facebook asking her to add me to her MSN so I can talk to someone. I wrote the message and sat there for fifteen minutes starting at it before I hit the sent button.
    I feel nervous too. I know I need to talk to someone but I've kept these dark feelings to myself for so long. But then I had a dream of killing myself and all the people who cared about me upset today and decided to talk to someone. Hopefully I'll still have the guts if she talks to me. I might just end up saying 'Oh I'm fine now." because I am extremely nervous. Not that she'll judge me, she isn't like that. I know she'll understand me. I'm just scared about finally talking to someone about it that isn't an online friend I met. This is someone who knows me, my family and my past. She has known me since I was eleven years old.
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    well good luck
    be sure before you say too much!
  3. Smilie46

    Smilie46 Well-Known Member

    I wish I could find someone. Give it a go
  4. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    Aw, that's good to hear. :) As Blackness said, be sure about telling her; I'm glad she's understanding, though, and it's really a relief to talk to someone (for me, it's my mom and cousins <3). Anyway, it's normal to be apprehensive, but I think you'll feel better once you get some of it out. If you think everything at once would be too much, like I did, you could always share a few things at a time and get feedback on those specific issues.
  5. ashla86

    ashla86 Active Member

    Well I've talked to two people and it's like a weight off my shoulders. I'm glad I did two and they've both promised not to say a word. These are the conversations but I've taken out names and towns and cities and replaced them with ---
    ok, I am really nervous to hear what you are going to say if you can't even tell --- but I hope I can help you out
    10/26/2007 4:24:30 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> Ok, don't take it the wrong way because I'm going to do anything stupid because i care about mom and ---too much to do that but lately I'm just not seeing the point in going on anymore
    10/26/2007 4:25:23 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley Ashley, now listen to me ok....why are thinking this way
    10/26/2007 4:25:40 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> because everything has just been going wrong lately
    10/26/2007 4:25:44 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley do you not know the value you have in this life, and what you mean to others
    10/26/2007 4:26:06 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> thats why I don't want to hurt anyone by doing something dumb
    10/26/2007 4:26:07 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley what things are going so wrong that you would end things
    10/26/2007 4:26:15 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> I always think about mom and ---
    10/26/2007 4:26:21 PM ---- ..<AB> Ashley as you should
    10/26/2007 4:27:21 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> don't have any friends around here and people will not leave me alone everytime I go outside people start making fun of me because I'm ugly
    10/26/2007 4:28:31 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley why do you hold your self value in what other people think of you
    10/26/2007 4:28:37 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> I can't handle the lonliness anymore it's really getting to me alot
    10/26/2007 4:29:05 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley I get teased because I am fat and you know what, if I could catch the mother <bleeps> I would sit on them, don't let others bring you down, you are supposed to be here as much as anyone else
    10/26/2007 4:29:08 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> because it's the people who know me but don't want to be friends with me that it hurts the most
    10/26/2007 4:29:26 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley who doesnt' want to be your friend
    10/26/2007 4:29:35 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> most of the people around this area
    10/26/2007 4:30:13 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> they just give me dirty looks or call me a loser
    10/26/2007 4:30:35 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley (town)for one thing Ashley is a shit hole stuck up place and I hated every second I lived there too so dont' feel like you are the only one that is that way. My friend ---- is in (city) all alone and she can barely stand being alone but she would never do anything crazy because of it
    10/26/2007 4:30:47 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> I'm just trying to fit in abd be like normal people my age but others won't let me
    10/26/2007 4:31:15 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> and I'm 21 years old and never had a boyfriend or kissed a guy even
    10/26/2007 4:31:21 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley Ashley, you are not a loser, you are not ugly and you will find happiness but remember it is what you make of things too, you can choose to be miserable or you can choose to be happy everything is a choice and you have one
    10/26/2007 4:32:09 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley men are not all they are cracked up to be either but I do know what you mean, if you are feeling that lonely you need to either move or get out there and meet people
    10/26/2007 4:32:30 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> I think it's just the stress making me feel this way I don't even know if I'm going to be able to pay rent for this month
    10/26/2007 4:32:46 PM Ashley ---..<AB> I want to get out and meet new people but there is no one to go out with
    10/26/2007 4:33:04 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> I don't want to sit in the bars by myself in (town) to meet people
    10/26/2007 4:33:48 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> my friend --- wants me to move to (city) but right now it's impossible
    10/26/2007 4:35:09 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley nothing is impossible Ashley, maybe you have to move in with your mom again just until you save enough money but London is definitely a place where all shapes and sizes are welcomed and you are not teased about the way you look because there is so much diversity in (city). I am going to talk to --- and see if they are hiring at her place because maybe you two could get a place together in St
    10/26/2007 4:35:18 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley (city) and hang out in (city) together
    10/26/2007 4:35:35 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> thanks
    10/26/2007 4:35:45 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> and I really did need someone to just talk to
    10/26/2007 4:36:15 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> I'm not planning on doing anything dumb but I keep thinking about it and dreaming about it so I figured I should talk to someone
    10/26/2007 4:36:34 PM Ashley ---..<AB> it's the loneliness and stress I think thats doing it
    10/26/2007 4:36:37 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley you know --- would also be there for you if you called upon her to talk, you can trust her for sure as well as myself
    10/26/2007 4:37:12 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> I know
    10/26/2007 4:37:33 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> I was nervous about talking to anyone, it took me forever to actually send the message to you
    10/26/2007 4:37:36 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley well hey, stress will do crazy things to a person but loneliness on top of that is no good either, let me see if I can't get you in a better state of mind, I will talk to --- and get back to you maybe you could find some type of a job in (city) and then you two could be roomates and that way you are in a different town so lots of BOYS YEE YEE
    10/26/2007 4:37:50 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> lol
    10/26/2007 4:38:11 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley well you know, different scenery, nobody knows you, you can start out with a clean slate and work fro there
    10/26/2007 4:38:16 PM --- Dawn ..<AB> I'd still have to give two months on this place
    10/26/2007 4:38:22 PM --- Dawn ..<AB> yeah I want out of this town
    10/26/2007 4:38:41 PM --- Dawn ..<AB> I wanted to go to College but I have to save money and fix my credit card problem
    10/26/2007 4:38:53 PM --- Dawn ..<AB> because I maxed it out ever since I got laid off
    10/26/2007 4:39:21 PM --- Dawn ..<AB> which I never wanted to do but you have to do what you have to do
    10/26/2007 4:40:15 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley well Ashley I went to college and guess what, I didn't pay a dime and you need to go to the HERC office in (town) on Monday and ask for Charlotte and she will be able to help you out. I can even try and find a contact number to get you into so that you can speak with the lady I did about getting school paid for.
    10/26/2007 4:41:03 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> well I was talking to them about it but they set me up with a career consultant that keeps telling me I don't know what I want to do with my life
    10/26/2007 4:41:20 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> even though I keep saying I want to be a child and youth worker
    10/26/2007 4:41:57 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> but he made me take some quiz that tells you what you want to do and it keeps coming up as an accountant or a miniter
    10/26/2007 4:41:59 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> minister
    10/26/2007 4:42:08 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley you would be great at that only thing is you can't be shy and you might be a tad bit too shy
    10/26/2007 4:42:25 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley a minister holy hell
    10/26/2007 4:42:42 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> yeah I'm not a big fan of religion though so it wouldn't work
    10/26/2007 4:42:56 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> but I want to do something that helps people
    10/26/2007 4:43:12 PM Ashley ---..<AB> and helping kids with their problems would be great
    10/26/2007 4:43:26 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley yes, I know what you mean, why don't you try and go for a guidance counsellor
    10/26/2007 4:43:54 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley you can do whatever the fuck you want to do Ashley and don't let any asshole behind a desk tell you that you can't
    10/26/2007 4:43:58 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> that would be cool
    10/26/2007 4:44:03 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> yeah I know
    10/26/2007 4:44:23 PM Ashley ---..<AB> but he's old and a lot of people his age think that about young people
    10/26/2007 4:45:42 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley definitely, but Ashley I have to get packed up as i am at work right now, haha, but you keep thinking positively and I will try and find some things out about school for you and I will talk to --- and see what she thinks about having a roomate if you are up to moving that far away but honestly you need it I think just to get away from everything
    10/26/2007 4:45:59 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> ok
    10/26/2007 4:46:04 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> thank you for listening
    10/26/2007 4:46:05 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley DON"T WORRY ok
    10/26/2007 4:46:11 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> I just needed someone to talk to
    10/26/2007 4:46:12 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley things are gonna be alright
    10/26/2007 4:46:16 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley well you got me babe
    10/26/2007 4:46:26 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> yeah i knew I could trust you
    10/26/2007 4:46:34 PM ---- ..<AB> Ashley damn straight what --- couldn't you trust
    10/26/2007 4:46:40 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley well there are a few actually so never mind that
    10/26/2007 4:46:41 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley haha
    10/26/2007 4:46:54 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> and don't worry about me doing anything because I won't but when it started getting in my dreams I had to talk to someone
    10/26/2007 4:47:05 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> I probably don't know those few
    10/26/2007 4:47:06 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> lol
    10/26/2007 4:47:26 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> just you and --- really
    10/26/2007 4:47:39 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley well that is enough trust me haha
    10/26/2007 4:47:43 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> lol
    10/26/2007 4:48:02 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley but you take care little girl and don't let others bother you because you know you are worth more than that to get upset over some jack ass comment
    10/26/2007 4:48:27 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley their opinion not yours or mine or a lot of others so you take care, SMILE too it helps honestly.
    10/26/2007 4:48:31 PM --- ..<AB> Ashley bye for now Ashley
    10/26/2007 4:48:33 PM Ashley --- ..<AB> bye

    And my other friend:
    --- said:
    whats up?
    Ashley said:
    I'm seriously not finding a point in going on anymore
    --- said:
    whys that
    --- said:
    I don't know
    Ashley said:
    just can't handle it all anymore
    --- said:
    well what is bothing you?
    Ashley said:
    I'm just so lonely I have no friends around here at all people keep making fun of me for being ugly a bunch of people were today and I don't even know if I am going to be able to pay rent for November

    --- says:
    who was making fun of you where were you
    Ashley says:
    I don't know who they were I was walking down main street it was a bunch of guys
    Ashley says:
    I've been having these thoughts for a while and they are getting worse and worse every day
    --- says:
    so you have had no luck finding another job
    Ashley says:
    no and I might not get approved for unemployment because I quit
    have you talked to you uncle
    Ashley says:
    haven't been able to get a hold of him
    --- says:
    does he work a lot
    Ashley says:
    he is a tow trucker so he is on call a lot
    --- says:
    --- says:
    you should definatly move to london, tere are more jobs the people are nicer, you know more ppl
    Ashley says:
    yeah i know
    Ashley says:
    but it still might not be a while
    Ashley says:
    and it's getting harder everyday here
    Ashley says:
    I haven't talked to a person in over a week
    --- says:
    Ashley says:
    --- and --- have got sick of me going over there all the time
    --- says:
    do you have anyone that would lend you the money you need to move to london
    Ashley says:
    I don't know, not that I know of right now
    --- says:
    cause getting out of exeter might be your best bet
    --- says:
    id say come here for the weekend but i wont even be home
    Ashley says:
    I wish I could get out of here
    --- says:
    yea, i dont want you to here and then have us not be able to do anything
    Ashley says:
    I swear I've slept more than I've been awake in the last week
    --- says:
    wow thats a change , normally your up all the time
    Ashley says:
    yeah I know
    Ashley says:
    I'm so bored and stressed
    Ashley says:
    I was definitely wrong when I used to say I preferred being alone
    --- says:
    yea it takes it toll on you
    Ashley says:
    I didn't think it'd end up like this though
    Ashley says:
    and I've tried talking to Jaime but she just ignores it
    --- says:
    well thats not good
    Ashley says:
    I tried talking to her today about it but she said she didn't have time to take pity on me even though that isn't what I want
    Ashley says:
    I just needed someone to talk to
    --- says:
    --- says:
    she wouldnt even listen
    --- says:
    oh well people are like that
    Ashley says:
    she's always been like that with everyone though
    --- says:
    well would you want to come hang this weekend
    --- says:
    would that help

    So they've both shown they'd care anyway and they are both trying to find a way to help me out so I don't do anything like that. It does feel a lot better. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder because I've been thinking this for so long. I wasn't entirely truthful with either of them they don't need to know I've already tried a bunch of times, just that I'm thinking about it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 26, 2007
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