Hi, there. First of all, I apologize for any mistakes in my english, I'm portuguese. To start the post, I want to congratulate people who try to help the others on this forum, the stuff I read is very supportive. For you guys to have an idea, I'm a brazilian who has to search for help in a english forum, 'cause the brazilian ones that I tried, I only found people making fun about this subject. Well, here I go. I don't know what to say, or what I want to tell you... I think what I intend to tell may be, for some people, not enough for wanting to die, but I guess in me, it's chronic. At the moment, I'm a 17 year old girl. Everything started when I was thirteen, was the first time I tried suicide. I took some heart's drugs and failed, all I got was a visit to the hospital. Back there, the reason I wanted to die was that my boyfriend, that was 5 years older than me, after that I helped him through drugs addiction and after he beat and abused me and I forgiven, he was cheating me; he made me pass through some humiliating situations. My reason was some junkie guy? Yes, it was. Even now, I can't explain our relationship... its intensity... I was just a girl going to school from home and home from school, when he walked in my life... But I must confess, I had some problems at home that contributed in my decision. Before and after this boyfriend, there was my father. He died soon after my first attempt in a car accident, and that ruined me. He was my best friend. With just a look in his eyes, I felt calm. The love I feel for him is transcendental. But that's a point in my life that I don't wanna talk about. Ok, it's one of the biggest, but the scar hurts like hell. Well, following this, I started to have some problems at school. You know, I'm brazilian, but I don't quite fit in the body's characteristics of the brazilian girls. I didn't have any friends, I lost all of them 'cause my family is always moving to another city (and always getting back to where I am now). Bullying, you can conclude. Gosh, I heard so many things about myself that made me want to broke the mirror everytime I look on it. I used to be the best student on my class, a nerdy (which it's not a big deal in Brazil), and I didn't like to go to partys, I guess that pissed of the girls. The thing is, I hate myself. So, I lost four years in school. I stop going. I'm seventeen and didn't even started the high school. My mom, until certain point, used to comprehend me. But there's a few years that our financial situation is going from bad to worse. We will lost our home. My mom is threatened to go to jail because of the debts. And now, everytime she asks me why I'm silent and stuff, she readies a scandal accusing me of being the cause of all problems that we have. She threats me now,she says that she will commit suicide if I don't stop crying about the past. She really doesn't understand that there's a huge hole in my chest. Right now, I'm in the middle of a huge fight with her. She said really bad stuff to me. I'm tired. I'm trying to get some rat poison to do it, but it's really hard to get it in my city. I'm trying with a guy from the past, a junkie that I knew at that time, but it's difficult. I don't wanna do medicines 'cause it didn't work once. If I don't get the poison, I'll jump from a building that is a "suicidal point". I don't wanna cry anymore, I don't wanna feel my head exploding anymore. My family is spirit (the spiritism religion; my city was where lived Chico Xavier, the greatest medium). And in the spiritism says that a suicidal goes to a place incredible worse than where he is in life. Really? I don't care. Anything away from my current self. Thanks if you read this. And sorry for the litany.