I'm going to try for the second time!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Poli G., Mar 12, 2010.

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  1. Poli G.

    Poli G. New Member

    Hi, there.

    First of all, I apologize for any mistakes in my english, I'm portuguese.

    To start the post, I want to congratulate people who try to help the others on this forum, the stuff I read is very supportive.
    For you guys to have an idea, I'm a brazilian who has to search for help in a english forum, 'cause the brazilian ones that I tried, I only found people making fun about this subject.

    Well, here I go.
    I don't know what to say, or what I want to tell you...
    I think what I intend to tell may be, for some people, not enough for wanting to die, but I guess in me, it's chronic.

    At the moment, I'm a 17 year old girl.
    Everything started when I was thirteen, was the first time I tried suicide.
    I took some heart's drugs and failed, all I got was a visit to the hospital.
    Back there, the reason I wanted to die was that my boyfriend, that was 5 years older than me, after that I helped him through drugs addiction and after he beat and abused me and I forgiven, he was cheating me; he made me pass through some humiliating situations.
    My reason was some junkie guy? Yes, it was. Even now, I can't explain our relationship... its intensity... I was just a girl going to school from home and home from school, when he walked in my life...
    But I must confess, I had some problems at home that contributed in my decision.

    Before and after this boyfriend, there was my father. He died soon after my first attempt in a car accident, and that ruined me. He was my best friend. With just a look in his eyes, I felt calm. The love I feel for him is transcendental. But that's a point in my life that I don't wanna talk about.
    Ok, it's one of the biggest, but the scar hurts like hell.

    Well, following this, I started to have some problems at school.
    You know, I'm brazilian, but I don't quite fit in the body's characteristics of the brazilian girls.
    I didn't have any friends, I lost all of them 'cause my family is always moving to another city (and always getting back to where I am now).
    Bullying, you can conclude.
    Gosh, I heard so many things about myself that made me want to broke the mirror everytime I look on it.
    I used to be the best student on my class, a nerdy (which it's not a big deal in Brazil), and I didn't like to go to partys, I guess that pissed of the girls.
    The thing is, I hate myself.

    So, I lost four years in school. I stop going. I'm seventeen and didn't even started the high school.

    My mom, until certain point, used to comprehend me.
    But there's a few years that our financial situation is going from bad to worse. We will lost our home. My mom is threatened to go to jail because of the debts.
    And now, everytime she asks me why I'm silent and stuff, she readies a scandal accusing me of being the cause of all problems that we have.
    She threats me now,she says that she will commit suicide if I don't stop crying about the past.
    She really doesn't understand that there's a huge hole in my chest.

    Right now, I'm in the middle of a huge fight with her. She said really bad stuff to me.
    I'm tired.

    I'm trying to get some rat poison to do it, but it's really hard to get it in my city.
    I'm trying with a guy from the past, a junkie that I knew at that time, but it's difficult.
    I don't wanna do medicines 'cause it didn't work once.
    If I don't get the poison, I'll jump from a building that is a "suicidal point".
    I don't wanna cry anymore, I don't wanna feel my head exploding anymore.
    My family is spirit (the spiritism religion; my city was where lived Chico Xavier, the greatest medium). And in the spiritism says that a suicidal goes to a place incredible worse than where he is in life.
    Really? I don't care.
    Anything away from my current self.

    Thanks if you read this.
    And sorry for the litany.
  2. bringer of light

    bringer of light Well-Known Member

    I hate having to be a shepherd.

    Firstly, stop talking about junkies. The one thing that really annoys me, is when people stereotype others.

    So the man who abused you used to be on drugs. Ask yourself, would he have been any kinder to you if he had never used them?

    I don't intend this to seem negative, but you seem to be using the term junkie to refer to someone low down on the scale, who you feel you can associate with because you feel really bad about yourself.

    Perhaps, there are some so-called junkies, who have a master degree in computer science and used to earn enough to give out sports cars for birthday presents.

    I'll be honest. If you jump of a bridge, you will probably end up in a wheelchair.

    Rat poison is only lethal durring a prolonged spell of misuse. But if you want to mess up your internal organs? Also rat poison is a blood thinner, hence why they don't give aspirin out in prisons here in the uk. Too much blood for the nurses to clean up.

    PM me if you want to chat. I try and log in every few months or so. Just don't do anything stupid that could leave you in a phisically worse state.
  3. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. I also lost my father. He died when I was 18. I'm 29 now.

    Life is hard but it's worth living, Poli. You are 17 years old... You still have SO MANY YEARS ahead of you... Don't throw it all away. I assure you life can get better. I've been in very difficult situations as well. There were times when my life was basically just a fight for survival. But I kept fighting and I'm glad I did.

    Isn't there a family member with whom you can temporarily stay until you and your mother are able to get along better? It could help relieve a lot of tension.

    And don't listen to what bullies say to you at school. They are weak and dumb. Don't take anything they say seriously. You are fine just the way you are.

    Don't make an emotional decision. You'll only regret it. I can assure you that your life can turn around if you only make the right decisions. Feel free to PM me if you ever wish to talk.
  4. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced. It seems as if you and your mom love each other very much but neither of you can express it. I'm sure it frightens you when she talks of suicide and I'm sure if she knew that you were thinking about it she would be very worried. I hope you can let your feelings out in this forum so you can get some relief. This is a big first step. Life has a habit of changing for the better even when it looks bleak, so please hold on Poli. You cannot know what the future has in store. :)
  5. Theone

    Theone Well-Known Member

    Hi there, I'm really sorry for what you have been going through it sounds overwhelming... Everyone says this and it kind of sounds like recycled advice but you don't have to and shouldn't end it all, things can get better... Your very young so this may not sound like good advice but maybe you need to make a dramatic change in your life... Maybe consider moving away and starting your life anew? ... I'm not very good at advice and many people will probally disagree with me but it sounds like you need your own life away from the negativity, I probally sound cold hearted telling you to get away but Its your own life and if a change like that would improve your mental welbeing it could be worth the effort... I wouldn't say take my advice but I would say remember there are other options to consider..... Hope you find this adive helpful in some way and if not I am sorry... If you need to talk you could pm me
  6. Nerve

    Nerve Well-Known Member

    sou de Belo Horizonte, se quiser conversar, me add no msn. *hugs*
  7. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    HOLY GRAIL!!!!!!
    Good Gawd, give her a break. She's 17 and she wasn't using it to be "stereotypical." Don't assume she is being prejudiCe....she is 17.....typing another language and SUICIDAL so don't FOCUS on frivilous things and maybe we'll be able to HELP HER.....that is the goal around here.

    Dang, after reading your words, I feel like jumping TODAY! Frickin rude.
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