I'm gonna do it !

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tutsy13, Nov 1, 2015.

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  1. Tutsy13

    Tutsy13 Active Member

    Yesterday, I have finally told off my controlling, assholic, insensitive husband of 13 long years! And so, since the family has been separated for almost 11 months now, I'm most likely gonna do it <mod edit - timeline>. I just don't know how yet. All I know is that it will be a big relief for everyone, and I am not scared to die anymore. For everything I have gone through these last 5 years, and not really having the support system from the people closest to me, I just can't justify doing this again year after year until I am 80 years old. I would want to go now. I'm 39 years old. Anyway, I just needed to get that out. The only thing I will miss are my daughters growing up. But I feel like this is my fate and all of this is happening for a reason. I just hope that God can forgive me and put me somewhere more inviting for people living with mental illness.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 1, 2015
  2. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Hey Lorrena, please reconsider your plans, I know you say that you don't want to keep doing this year after year, but you really don't know what your life next year or even tomorrow is going to even look like! I'm guessing that if given a choice between dying and being happy again you would choose to be happy. I'm guessing right now that you can't really see any way to become happy again, but just because you can't see how it's possible right now does not make it impossible. Instead of planning on ways to die, why don't you start planning on ways to make yourself just a little bit happier by New Years instead? And keep posting here, we're a pro-life site and we really like helping people pull through their problems :)
     
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Lorenna, I hear you, I am sorry for what you have been dealing with, I know that it hurts and how you must feel now to be willing to leave your daughters behind, we all need a support system without that you must be really feeling lost.
    I know that you are hurting deep inside I myself know that feeling I have been where you are right now! That is why I am here, because I know that feeling so well and I know what it did to me, I would like to tell you that there are people here willing to listen and share what they have been through and are now alive, some who have held on and made it, I hope that you can do that, we cannot make you listen and share with us but we would like to offer that chance for you to come through this and come out the other side with a better future, to enable you to watch your daughters grow up an to help to ensure that they do not have to go through what you did, I am sorry that you went through what you did, we can not do anything about that now, we can only help you to survive that an help you perhaps make sure it does not happen anymore to ones that you love, We are offering you a safe place to meet and talk with others that have suffered and been through what you have! We have people that care, that are willing to share their time and lives with you to help you! If you can not hear me now I hope that you will at Least read what I have to say and at some point help yourself and others.
    We are here when you are ready,we extend an open hand to you! we want to offer you the support you said that you have not had!
    it is here please take it!
     
  4. Tutsy13

    Tutsy13 Active Member

     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Lorenna and welcome to the forum. I hope things improve for you, you deserve to be happy and your girls need you hun, you cannot go on like this, you need professional help to keep you safe and your daughters need a mom. I wish you the best please keep us updated.
     
  6. Tutsy13

    Tutsy13 Active Member

    I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel- everything is black. The only thing I have going for myself is my new black kitten. I wanted a black kitten because they have a "stigma" of being bad luck, and I wanted to prove everyone wrong. If only I can get rid of my "stigma."'''
     
  7. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Lorenna, are you here? do you want to talk? Please share with me or someone! We are here for you!
    Please?
     
  8. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    How are you doing right now? Are you safe?
     
  9. Tutsy13

    Tutsy13 Active Member

    Oh, I have had professional help at least a dozen times. I have done it all -inpatient, outpatient, different psychiatrists, counselors, case managers, multiple crisis lines, shit I even called 911 on myself - that is how messed up I am. Ugh ! All day today, I just slept with my kitty. And when I awake, it's suicidal thoughts all over again. This must end somehow!
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    The thoughts CAN end without you having to die. Please hold on. I am glad you have your kitty for comfort but please keep seeing a professional, what might not have worked for you in the past might work now. You never know. I wish you all the best.
     
  11. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry Lorrena, even if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel it's still somewhere up ahead. Please hold on and keep talking to us. And as a side note, in my experience black cats are always the smartest and the friendliest:)
     
  12. Tutsy13

    Tutsy13 Active Member

    Safe ? I'm about as safe as it comes. I have no way to do it! Currently, I'm trying to save up money for a you know what, but I end up spending the stupid money. I do have one MUSE ticket that I'm thinking of selling, but I don't know if it would be enough.
     
  13. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Lorenna, I have been there, I know that blackness,when you are there you cannot see anything, please do not harm yourself, let us talk give us the opportunity to share with you, help us by Holding on to what you have that is good, this blackness will pass, I know it will it won't be a magic improvement but it will let you see what is good and right, you will see a glow of light, Stay with us please it will make you feel and think again right now it is so hard to do anything, we know, we have been in that dark and hopeless pit, we will be here for you to try and help you up again we we help you stand upright until you are able to do it on your own! stay here safe with others that care about you! that wil work with you! I know that you would like to watch your girls grow up with you by their sides to hold their hands when they are afraid like you are now, they need you! You are their mother, they will not like growing up without you by their sides Please be there and now here for them! We are here waiting for you! Please!
     
  14. Tutsy13

    Tutsy13 Active Member

    How can I be with my daughters when DHS doesn't want me alone with them? I can only have assholic husband there, and I ended that yesterday. Is this just a place for suicidal thoughts- cuz I have some homicidal thoughts mixed in here. Ugh, I think it's time for nap number 3.
     
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hiya, no in general you cannot talk about wanting to hurt others.
    Like I said earlier please go back and see the mental health services, you might even have a chance of getting your children back if you are honest with them so they can help you. I'm sorry things didn't work out with your husband but glad you are feeling better for it. If he was abusive you made the right call. You can feel free to talk to me anytime :)
     
  16. Tutsy13

    Tutsy13 Active Member

    God, just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I call up my mom to ask her if I can come over for Thanksgiving this year- just the two of us- and she asked what happened with my assholic husband. I told her our relationship is done for good. And she freaked out saying that all couples argue and you have to work things out. I told her it's impossible to work things out because he's verbally abusive, snappy, rude, inconsiderate, non affectionate
    affectionate, and I am just NOT in love with him anymore- and it's been that way for months! Not to mention, he doesn't trust me, he tried to get me committed for 6 months to a state mental hospital, he was gonna testify AGAINST me -which I call the ultimate betrayal
     
  17. Tutsy13

    Tutsy13 Active Member

     
  18. SplinterStar

    SplinterStar Active Member

    I totally understand. <Mod edit - methods>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2015
  19. SplinterStar

    SplinterStar Active Member

    It's probably a bad idea to <mod edit - methods> blah blah blah, but I still wish I had the nerve.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2015
  20. Beck

    Beck Member

    twice a day i go over the bridge. i have stopped and looked down a few times. than i think of my daughter she has mental health problems and i don't want her to think this is the answer. my dad killed himself i do not need to keep this going. so i go take my meds and cry because i just want to die. but atleast i am showing my kids you can beat this it is just alot of work
     
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