I'm gonna do this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mikest8, Jun 15, 2011.

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  1. mikest8

    mikest8 Member

    Tomorrow. This very same time.

    Due to the forum rules I can't tell my method, but I rather stay 24 hours without ingesting nothing but water to decrease the chance of failure. I have to do this until tomorrow 'cause afterwards my brother is back home and he may try to help me when I'm unconcious. That's sad because I haven't see him in a while, but it's better because he can comford mom.

    My life is shit. I'm sick and tired of people saying that's fine, that things will get beter. No they won't! Sick of people comparing me with the hungry in Africa to try to make me feel better.

    I just came to say good bye.

    :i'm sorry:
     
  2. Monoka

    Monoka Well-Known Member

    don't give up on us now,
    i may be reading to much into this but if your telling us you know we will try to talk you out of this. there is still something worth living for, your brother? your mum?

    find someone to be with for the next few hour, don't be alone.

    PM if you need. take care
    :console::hug:
     
  3. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Hey, I just read your post from the 5th of June 2011, 03:35 AM. Was trying to get an idea of what is going on in your life that is causing you to feel this is your only option. Can you talk about it a bit more? Maybe talk more about your feelings? Did something happen recently to bring these feelings back so strongly?

    It just seems there is so much hope for you and your life...that you can turn things around and would also have so much to offer others. I'm also concerned about your brother...might he be left spending the rest of his life feeling guilty he did not arrive sooner? Just asking as I am currently feeling rather guilty about something similar (someone I lost) :hug: Something to think about. Do you and your sister talk much?

    I hope you will reconsider. There are a lot of good folks here and I am sure they too would be willing to listen, if you need an ear or a shoulder. Could also try out chat. Great folks in there too.

    You could always try waiting...There is always tomorrow or another day. Maybe some of the folks here have some ideas or thoughts for you.

    Do you have a counselor or someone to talk too?

    **gentle hug** if you would like it.
     
  4. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    Do you want to tell us further what you are feeling.
    I hope you feel better today.
     
  5. mikest8

    mikest8 Member

    @Monoka
    Nothing that worth living for, really. I think I'm already dead inside, I'm empty. I feel sorry for my mom's future loss, but she isn't that great in my life at all.

    @*Kali*
    Kali, first of all... if there's any kind of god out there I really really really want him to bless you. You're the kindest person to me so far.
    I feel kind bad about wanting so much to die and, thus, disappointing the ones who tried to help me in here (So far, mostly you, who dedicated yourself to me more than anyone else has ever done.) If it happens to me to turn out a angel or something I'd look after you... Don't know, I'm just trying to say that I'd like to be nice for you like you're being to me.

    It's also confusing to me to figure out what happened lately to my life to make me feel this way. Maybe things haven't happening lately, but I've realizing them lately. How I might never see my dad again until I'm grown up enough and living alone, how me and my mother weren't never as close as it should be and how it never will, how I'm becoming poor causeless... how I'm futureless. I can't follow the career I always dreamed about and I can't even think about being a frustrated professional in any other employment. I always want guys who are handsomer than me (then obviously wouldn't do me) and I would never date some one not atractive/smart enough just because he likes me. I can't see me married to a man and I wanted to have a family even though I can't date a woman. You see? My future is already screwed up in every single way. I'm dead inside. I can't be happy, sad... I just feel this emptyness.

    Yes, my sister and I talk regularly about many things BUT homossexuality. I guess it's more my choice. It's weird. But just in case you are wondering that I may not be sure about her homossexuality, I saw her tumblr and the naked womans pictures.

    I also thought about waiting, but I feel pressed, plus my *substance* has a validity which is quite short if I don't keep it in fridge, what I can't 'cause people will obviously see and ask me what is it.

    So far, you guys are the only who I can talk to. I was thinking about going to a psychologist, but it'll take time and I think I must be over 18 to go alone using my health plan.

    Of couse I'd love your hug.
    PS: I'm sorry about you loss. May I ask about it? ... like who was, when and mainly how you felt and feel now?

    @Starryeyed
    I'm really really thankful for you concern. You can read a bit of what I've been through in my answer to Kali or in my other thread, if you don't mind.
     
  6. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    Didnt realise you were female.if youre a teen its common to get depressed.its usually the hormones.why cant you do your career
     
  7. Xistence

    Xistence Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you aren't feeling well. :(

    How do you know things won't get better, though? You could always wait until the next tomorrow. Maybe the tomorrow after that? Just try to stick around a while and see if things work out. I don't blame you if you decide to go through with it and I wish you peace either way, but I hope you decide to stay with us.
     
  8. mikest8

    mikest8 Member

    @starryeyed
    LOL I'm not female.
    I gotta confess that I though it could be hormonal or something, but I got this since 14 (now i'm 17 and 10 months) and it's quite recurrent. I think it's not my case.
    I always wanted to be a airline pilot, but it's too expensive and I would have to move to other city (again, I moved 5 times in 7 years and only one is already awful) what implies in leaving my friends (again), moving alone to a city in the other side of the country and being a HUGE expense to my parents which they keep saying it'll be fine and I clearly see it won't.
    EDIT: I just found out that you're also suicidal. So nice of yours, try to help others despite your own pain. I'd like to know a bit about you, if you don't mind.

    @Xistence
    Thank you for you kind words. I really don't know if things will get better, but I can predict it. It doesn't mean that I haven't tryied. I've been pushing it since I was 14 and first became depressed. I'd keep doing this but now I'm getting in the age of applying to college, work... I GOT to live and I don't feel like I could. All that I can do is stay seated here, discouraged, too lazy even to breathe...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 15, 2011
  9. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    Youre a bit young to be thinking you cant do this or that.i was 27 when I started a new career.
    Dont give up.work and save the money and then.train
    Everything is possible
     
  10. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Just got back to my pc. Hey, I'm going to go to chat if you feel like talking. If you see me with a little "away" symbol next to my name, i'm just making coffee. Actually, think i'll go make that coffee and then i'll sign in to the chat room.

    I still see hope...lots. xx just my opinion though.

    sometimes it's difficult for us to see any hope, when we are in what we believe to be a wretched situation. It can help hearing what others have to say. When i return from coffee I'll think more about what you've written.

    I don't mind sharing my losses with you. I can tell you more in a bit as well as how it has affected me. Two anniversary dates coming up soon. One is the 29th of this month.

    **gentle hug**
     
  11. Dude111

    Dude111 Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry you are feeling this way :(

    It hurts the most when we feel like this and have no one to hug,etc :(
     
  12. mikest8

    mikest8 Member

    @*Kali*
    I'm sorry, I thought you went sleep and I was also sleepy, so I couldn't stand awake anymore.
    I want to chat with you, though I want to have things done before 01 am in GMT. What means that, from now I still have a little less than 12 hours.

    @Dude111
    Yeah, it really is. Worse is that I can't tell the people that are close enough to hug me because they might act unexpectedly. Take me to a clinic, just say that everything will be fine, overwatch me... Then I just rather staying quiet.
     
  13. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Tell you what. I will be back and forth from pc. If you do want to talk, p.m. me or drop me a note as to a good time for you, and I will make that time available, okay? You are worth it! :hug: We can talk on chat, p.m., msn, email, your choice. Do realize I'm kind of back and forth so may take a little to get your message.

    You know, I really do think you have a good head on your shoulders and I still see a lot of hope for you, I bet others do as well.
     
  14. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Hey, so you know what you can do for me? Talk to us before you do anything. That would mean so very much to me :console:

    Have you considered, there is a possibility things could get better?

    If you would like to see your father, that could be something worth working on and looking forward too. Wow. So dad works really far away huh? Are your parents still married? I take it you want to see your Dad? Does he know this? Is it possible you could at some point go visit him in Africa? If he knew how much it meant to you, perhaps he would find a way to make that happen? My father was never around much either. He was stationed overseas most of my childhood. I really missed him a lot.

    You know, the thing about parents and even other relatives, sometimes our relationships with them change and grow. You can always work on your relationship with your mother, if you want too. I had to work very hard on my relationships with my parents. Like a good start is simply taking interest in something important to her and just starting convos with her. You can still grow close to mom if that is what you want to do, and if she is open to that. Not sure how much energy you have at the moment for that but it's something you can always do later.

    Are you positive you are without a future? Well, if you follow through on your plans you have no hope of one, but if you stick around a bit, you might be able to create something really cool for yourself. :hug: You know if your parents are willing to assist you to become a pilot, it's okay. Take them up on the offer of help. Eventually if you want, you can always help them when they are older, after your career is going well. If this is truly in your heart to do, by all means throw yourself into it. I understand there is a move involved. Perhaps you can keep in touch with your friends via the net/phone and when you return home for visits. You can also meet new folks when you move. I know it's difficult to do that when one is feeling down, but you may be around other people who share similar interests (being a pilot) which could mean making friends just a step easier.

    There are many types of families. You can still have a family. You will just need to define, over time, what that might mean to you. Good looking is fine and helpful, but if you are open, you may meet someone a bit less good looking but with a bright shining heart/soul, great convos, good humor, etc. When we are starting out and creating our lives, we often grow and change; what we want to do, how we want to be, even who we are. You don't have to have all the answers now, you don't have to map out every step of your life right now...be open to possibilities to doors that will open. If you have a hard set plan, you may lose out on wonderful opportunities that may come your way. A wee bit of flexibility and adaptability in there could be helpful. It's also okay to change your life plans. They don't need to be written in stone.

    As far as that feeling of emptiness, for a while maybe you can partially fill this by pursuing your dream to be a pilot, by involving yourself in things related to that, reading, studying, perhaps working at a small airport. In the USA anyway, there are plenty of opportunities when you simply go to the small airports and show interest. I know of several different programs here. Not sure where you are, but perhaps there are some in your area as well. Also spending some time with your friends might help too.

    Are you comfortable with your sexuality? It's not an issue for you is it? There are a lot of great folks here who likely can relate if you need to talk about this aspect of your life. This too can grow and change over time. Honestly, you really don't have to figure it all out right now...just kind of go with it. Be who you are, and know that it is okay :hug:

    I don't like the idea of you feeling pressured because your method is unstable if not refrigerated. It's like the method is dictating to you, instead of you being the one in control of when etc. Surely if you managed to get it once, you can do that again. Maybe wait around and see what tomorrow brings. Spend some time with your bro. Are you able to talk to him about how you feel?

    As far as seeing a therapist, would your parents really get upset if you went? If you do need to wait the two months (almost 18 yes?), you can always use s.f. to help you get by for a while and also use that time to perhaps put in writing for the therapist, what is going on inside of you. Maybe some antidepressants might help. Don't know until you try it. Give yourself a chance???? A therapist can help you explore why you have those periods of deep sadness, maybe they can help you figure it out. I'm trying to understand when your depression started...when you realized you didn't like your mom or when you realized you were homosexual? Look, your parents are adults. I know your mom is heavy into church, but it's for them to accept you and your sister. You and sis, need to be true to yourselves. Honest with your own selves. Pretending for your parents, by dating women, what would that do to you inside? Perhaps create more guilt or feelings of sadness. Be true to you. xx


    As far as how i feel about my losses, those I've lost to suicide...a couple of them have been years now, and one does not get over it. Honest. We don't just go on from there. There will always be questions, always being things that are haunting about it, always the sadness. It's not something people readily get over. For whomever finds you, even worse. They'll likely never get the image out of their head, no matter how peaceful you may go. It likely, will always hurt. Good chance they may always wonder if there was something they could have said or done. Also, if your sister is unstable, she may try following you. Not trying to use guilt here, but I have heard of this happening in other families.


    You have manged to get through your suicidal feelings a couple times. Do you think you can get some strength, lean on folks here, and get through them this time? There are folks here at sf who are willing to help you. Maybe spend some quality time with your friends, do something gentle and good for you.

    You don't have to follow through, just because you have your method, or that your method will expire. Out of curiosity, is there anything else pressing or going on soon? Anything that is really weighing you down when you think about it, something that is putting urgency on you?

    **gentle hug** for you.

    I care and so do the other folks here
     
  15. mikest8

    mikest8 Member

    I can't stop telling how much I'm grateful to you for spending so much time with me. I mean it, please don't think I don't.

    I actually have considered that things can get better, but I'm kinda afraid of that. Really don't know how I feel. I guess I'm afraid that things get better and then get worse afterwards. I'm afraid of meeting more people who I can hurt with a suicide, if I get depressed again.

    Yes, my parents still married. It's not like I just wanted to see my dad. I often remember of when we used to live all together and, in spite of everything, things were really nice. Even he leaving when I left to school and being back when I was about to sleep, we used to lunch together and he always brought dessert and sometimes he arrived earlier and made us some sort of food he invented by himself. I miss when I, apparently, not disliked my mom as I do now; When se used to not annoy me even just talking to me, as she does now. I'm sorry about your dad.

    My mom's interest is all of the church and I'm atheist, and she talks a lot about religion, so much that annoys me. So I'm not sure if I can get involved in her interests and I also don't have that much energy to change nothing at all.

    My parents definetely can't afford my pilot formation, but it's ok cause I myself have given up. I've been through a lot of research about apartments, living cost, college payment... everything, and I think that when I realized that it was impossible I discouraged so hard that I felt like irreversibly gave up. Like a physiological response. "If I'm not able, I won't dream about it anymore because it'll only hurt me". Plus that I've been t through so many moves that I know it's impossible to keep in contact with old friends after a while.

    I wanted to have a spouse, a couple of kids, come from work to launch with everybody... And like I said I can't see me married to a man neither dating a woman. Then there's no spouse, no kids, no conjunct launch. Loneliness.

    Maybe you're right, maybe I'm being too hard to myself and my future planning. But like I said, I'm afraid. Afraid of being in pain again, of being sad, alone, unsuccessful... I'm afraid of living.

    Emptiness is something unwilled. If i'm keeping myself busy with and book and end it, close it, emptiness is back. It's hard to describe how it feels. It's a lack of emotion, of life. It bothers.

    I'm not fully confortable about being gay. I accept the idea of kissing man, I think that pictures of couples are cute... even through I definetely can't imagine myself having sex with any sex... it's disgusting! I'm confortable between my gay friends, but not between my straight friends or my family. I'm not confortable when anything about homossexuality is on tv...

    It's not only my method that is pressing me, even I feeling coward to do it as soon as possible, I feel like I shouldn't let it go much further. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the tomorrow.

    They would not get upset about a therapist, but worried. And I don't want no one worried about me. I mean, not like they will. They will be overworried (does that word exist?). I also think that someone needs to figure out why I'm feeling so bad (since I can't) since while I write here and read about other's stories my life seems pretty liveable and full of hope. I feel futile and that's make me even sadded. What is even more futiler...

    I'm sorry about your losses. They were your relatives? I was thinking about leaving without a letter 'cause I don't feel like I should and 'cause I think that will make them sadder. But now you said, I'm thinking that a letter well explaned would make things better, with no questions and stuff.

    I really think I can go through this one. I'm unsure if I want to. I just have to stay here seated and as long no one charge me to have the will to life, it'll be ok.

    Now I found a way to keep my substance in the fridge. I placed it between some cotton and yarn and said it was a chemistry experiment. Just not sure of how long it will be able to stay there without any complains or further questions.

    I feel like there's something else pressing me, but I haven't figured it out yet. Weird, huh? I thought it could be my birthday, but I don't believe I'm that much futile.

    PS: I'm really sorry about my english, I'm not in a really good mood. Also, I'm sending you a pm with my msn, ok?
    PS 2: Just to your information, I'm still fasting.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2011
  16. cr_1234

    cr_1234 New Member

    Hey there,

    Its nice to see another teen on here(well not really nice, just comforting to know Im not the only one.). How old are you?

    Do you mind if i ask what country you live in?
     
  17. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Just checking in on you. How are you feeling today?

    I'm back and forth at pc again today. If you want to talk just send an email and I can take a break from my work.

    **gentle hug**
     
  18. oxygenidia

    oxygenidia Well-Known Member

    Do you have anything in life that you feel might be worth living for? A person in your life, or a pet or something that could keep you from killing yourself?
    Deep down I feel like it's possible for every person to become happy. We are just not getting what we need from the lives we are living, but maybe you can get those things that would make you happy someday?
    I have no idea what your situation is like, but do you really want to die, or do you just feel like it's not possible for you to live the happy life that you really want?
    All I can say for now is, whatever you have to do to stay alive, do it, because it's worth fighting for. Maybe it it something out there that will make you happy, give you a sense of purpose? If you kill yourself you will never get the chance to have that potential happinness.

    I don't understand why people compare depressed people with hungry people in Africa, to show that other people are worse off. It's true that there are alway peolple with worse problems, that doesn't make every individuals suffering any less. Having the material things that you need are not always enough to make a person happy. A person can have food on the table and roof over the head and still be mentally ill.
    People who compare your problems with the peoverty in Africa have not experienced what you have, so they don't understand.
     
  19. mikest8

    mikest8 Member

    @cr_1234
    Hello there! Also think it's cool, as far as possible, of course. I'm turning 18 in august and I'm from Brazil. And you? Maybe we could keep in touch.

    @*Kali*
    Thank you. I've got better.

    @oxygenidia
    Thank you for asking. Now I've got this forum and a crush even though I don't belive it's going much futher.
    I just figured out that I don't want to die, actually I wish I'd never been born at all. I'm not through pain, I'm feeling empty and I could stand living like I'm, stoned, but I'm getting older and I've GOT to live and I don't have this will even through people charge this.
    If I killed myself I wouldn't need to be happy or fight for it.
    Thankfully you agree with me about comparing problems. You're so right.

    @everyone
    Thank, y'all. Thanks to your advices and, I must say, all the support that Kali gave me at msn I gave up of my attempt that actually was scheduled to the next hour. But honestly I don't feel fully better, just feel like delaying until life charges me again. I feel weak for giving up on every thing, even in my final giving up. But I'll work on this.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 17, 2011
  20. Dude111

    Dude111 Well-Known Member

    I know buddy,its hard to trust anyone..... I know exactly why your feeling this way that you cant talk to anyone!
     
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