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I'm happy and I want to die!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by still_searching, Dec 15, 2010.

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  1. still_searching

    still_searching New Member

    First, I’m not experiencing suicidal ideation of any kind. I don’t think I could ever kill myself and I’ll explain later why. But, I am here because I truly do want to die. I want to talk about these things, outside of individual therapy and the internet seems like a good medium because of the diversity it offers.
    I’m sorry if this intro sounds self-centered or narcissistic, but it’s necessary so I can share how I feel about my life.

    I’ve been diagnosed in the past with Bipolar Type 2 (I’ve never experienced an actual manic phase), and panic disorder when I was a teenager. I’ve attempted suicide by overdose three times in the past. They were in response to significant life stressors, when I didn’t cope with life too well, but they were cries for help because in each case I wanted to die but knew on some level that what I was doing was not lethal. I take medication for depression and anxiety. I’m also a master’s level psychotherapist.

    I’m almost 30 years old. I’m happy. I love my life. I own a home, I have a beautiful and sweet girlfriend who loves me, I have a solid education and respectable full-time career, I have family and friends who love me and would do anything for me. I have a life that many would love to have. I literally have everything I need, everything I will ever need. I also recognize that true happiness comes from within. And I truly am happy!!!

    But I seriously, from the bottom of my heart, want to die!

    My entire life, for as long as I can remember the world is just so mundane. My life experiences are exciting, don’t get me wrong. I have had some wonderful times and very fulfilling experiences. But those are still worldly experiences. It’s just that I’m not interested or amazed by the world and life itself. It’s boring. There’s no magic of any kind. No one can fly, no one can manifest objects out of thin air, no one can teleport or time travel or anything like that. I want to die because I want to move on to the next life, the next existence, whatever it is, because this world isn’t interesting to me at all. It’s like a giant waiting room. I’m a very spiritual person. I have no fear of death whatsoever. I don’t think we can know the truth when it comes to the afterlife while we’re still alive, but I do know it is nothing to fear.

    So really, the problem is, this world is just too plain.

    Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong dimension.

    People might say I’m depressed, because they think that I’m not enjoying things I may have in the past, that activities one would gain pleasure from I find boring and joyless. This is not the case! Like I said, I LOVE my experiences. I LOVE spending time with people I care about. I LOVE my hobbies, traveling, etc. I absolutely LOVE my job as well. But I would trade all of it for a quick, painless death. Yes, quick and painless, because I’m a wimp :p

    It’s like I know how my life will go. I will get married, have kids, do worldly things, grow old and die. Some of this could change. I might win the lottery. I might discover the cure for some disease. The thing is, nothing that is possible (as far as I know) in this world would amaze me. Nothing. Within the realm of possibility in this world, there is nothing that could happen that I would be amazed with. I’m sure I will have enjoyable experiences along the way, but it just doesn’t sound worth the decades.

    I can be having the best day, in the best possible mood, and still feel all of this. I can have a great day at work, be in a peppy or bubbly mood even, but if someone were to walk up to me during the most fortunate time, give me the option and say, “Hey, do you wanna keep going?” I would say “NO! Please kill me now! Let’s roll!” It’s like I have a romantic relationship with death. Thinking about dying gets me EXCITED.

    Why I don’t just go ahead and kill myself: Other people! That’s completely it. I don’t want my friends and family to suffer. I could never actually kill myself because when it came down to the action I would think about everyone around me and back out. If I had no one who would care if I were gone, then I would probably have the courage to end it myself. Then again, it’s hard to know that for sure without going through it.

    And I know people may be offended by this, but I've actually hoped that I would get cancer or some kind of terminal illness, so that I could die but it wouldn't be suicide.

    So another problem is, I can’t think of anything worldly that will help. Vacations, retreats, medications, therapies, etc. are all a part of this world and that’s not what I need or want.

    These are the things which I’ve thought of that could maybe help me:
    A near-death experience
    An out-of-body experience
    Any kind of mystical, spiritual or magical experience

    That’s it :/ The experience would have to be beyond emotional and intellectual. So, I would really have to witness or experience something, not just “feel” or “think” or “believe” it. I would have to see a UFO, SEE some sort of divine intervention, EXPERIENCE dying, anything that is not mundane.

    PLEASE – No religious interventions. Don’t tell me to find Christ or go to church. Don’t tell me to read the bible, pray, or meditate. I could do these things 24 hours a day and it would still be intellectual and emotional.

    Pretty tall order huh :/ Well, at least it is for this world anyway. Does anyone else feel this way? Not depressed, not sad, but don’t want to live, because nothing is magical, everything is mundane. Like I have the soul of some wizard from another realm but I was dropped into this one on accident. I like to think of it as being “spiritually impatient”. Like I would rather just die now so I can see the next stage. I look forward to discussing this with any who are interested. Thanks for reading =)
  2. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Mmmmmmmmmmmm, very interesting, very different, refreshingly honest too.
    Stick around, read some posts, maybe make some too.
    Please contact me if you wish regards Pete
  3. Pixie

    Pixie Member

    Still Searching I actually know how you feel. I don't feel that way at all at the moment but there have been times in my past that I have been happy and acheiving what I want in life but deep down I have always wanted to die and I understand exactly what you mean when you say life is boring and you want something cosmic or whatever to happen.

    You're wrong though when you say that meditating will only give you intellectual or emotional benefits. I don't do it anymore and I'm not going to tell anyone its what they should do. But meditation changes your mind and changes your world and it can cause you to actually 'see' things and experience divine intervention type experiences. I know because I've seen them myself and those things were the only things that ever made life worth living for me.

    I don't think its advisable for you to die because spiritually it won't necessarily bring you the excitement you crave. Most likely you will just be born again in another mundane life somewhere. I think someone in your position with your energy and your happiness should continue to seek what you want in this world. You don't even have to go to church or meditate if you don't want to.....there are all kinds of different spiritual paths or whatever you could check out. Personally if I wasn't so depressed I would meditate again. It was magical and amazing and I absolutely did witness amazing things with my own eyes. That won't necessarily happen if you die.

    But please don't think I'm being preachy or trying to intervene religiously. I'm not. Its up to you what you do. I just wanted to let you know I understand completely what you're saying.
  4. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    You made me smile , and its a long time since i did such a thing.
    Be VERY carefull what you wish for, 'cause you might find it. And its not death i talk about. I spent, actually ruined a fine, good running life, not much unlike yours, in trying to find meaning beyond meaning. I'm 32 now, and a ghost of my former self. Not because i found something worthy, but because in searching for that something i've lost all those "simple" pleasures of life, and some more.
    There are things magic, even in our mundane universe, or extreme coincidences. There are experiences that defy normal. Usually those are expressions of an unballanced brain, but this doesn't make them less real for the one feeling them. Hell, i remember having wings, or talking with god, and i'm not what some might call religious. What i mean, take care what you are willing to do in this search for the "je ne sais quoi" of your life, or you'll find yourself not wishing for death to come, but for life to end.
    Anyway, thanks for reminding me of better times :)
  5. NothingMan

    NothingMan Member

    I just finished reading the other post right up the page from this one titled " So what's holding you back" . I get the idea that you're one of the people that he's talking about - the kind of person who grew up in an emotionally and financially stable home who has probably never known the kinds of problems that most suicidal people have . Life has just always been a bowl of cherries for you so you can't fully appreciate what you have . So , I don't have an answer for you and am unqualified anyway . It sounds like you're qualified though ... and your peers . What do your psychotherapy friends tell you ? Surely there's got to be some named disorder for what you have - necrosomethingorother - I don't know . You're the one with the shrinks degree. Funny , while trying to find out what the name would be for this on google I came across this book topic "Fascination with Death as a Function of Need for Novel Stimulation" . You say no one can fly but we can . Why don't you take up hang gliding ? I did and it's an amazing experience . Hang gliding is the closest thing man has yet invented that comes close to true bird like flight . For countless eons man has wondered what it would be like yet now that we've got the ability very few ever do it . If you need novel stimulation then this could be it ! It's all I've got for you right now .Myself , I've just gotten rather bored with it because I seem to have little ability to experience happiness any longer hence my taking up praying ( I'm an agnostic by the way ). I keep praying that I'll get hit by the biggest lightning bolt the earth has ever seen .
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2010
  6. still_searching

    still_searching New Member

    Thank you all very much for the wonderful responses. Just the act of typing everything out and reading feedback has been therapeutic.

    I do come from a financially stable background. But life was definitely not a "bowl of cherries" growing up. Abuse (all forms) can happen regardless of socioeconomic status. And there are many struggles in life that don't involve finances.

    Unfortunately I don't feel comfortable talking to colleagues about all of this. A background in mental health doesn't relieve existence pains for professionals either. Many people at my workplace take medications, and a couple of years ago a clinician at another facility actually attempted suicide and was hospitalized. It's just not something I want to bring into any work relationships. My therapy supervisor once told me just as a general lesson about this type of work, "If you feel like you need help, you need to go somewhere else."

    Nothingman - Thank you very much for the suggestion! After my post yesterday I actually thought about looking into skydiving, then read your post this morning, so I'll add hand-gliding to the list as well :) I also think I know how you feel, the comment about lightning. When I'm driving I often find myself praying I'll get t-boned on the driver's side by a truck going 90mph or something. Or if a plane has to crash that day that it will land on me.

    Pixie - Could you please tell me more about the type of meditation and specifics you practiced? In the past, only like 3-4 times a month, I would go home at lunch, put on PJs, sit on the floor of an empty room, and meditate for 20 minutes. If my mind was racing, I would repeat the word "Love" over and over in my head, sorta like the TM method. It provided some relaxation and clarity, but never anything extraordinary. I would LOVE to hear what you did that allowed you to have those experiences! Thanks for the response :)

    I feel good on a daily basis, just have this ongoing spiritual crisis, longing for something beyond. The scary thing is if this is what age 30 is like, what will the longing be like at 40, 50, etc. I guess the relief will be that I'm closer to that final transition.

    Thank you all again :)
  7. Pixie

    Pixie Member

    It was Tibetan Buddhist meditations and visualiations that I did although I have to admit it took quite a while to get to the point of tangible things happening. At the time I was meditating 3 or 4 times a day every day as well as taking part in various rituals etc and was receiving teachings and guidance from Buddhist monks. So it does take a lot of effort and dedication to do it but it didn't seem like hard work at all at the time but it was something that had to build gradually over a few years. I wasn't in some remote Buddhist community or anything either. I had a normal life in the UK with a full time job and everything.

    I did start by just doing simple breathing meditations once or twice a week and the 'Love' meditation too. I once spent a whole day with a group of people doing mediations where we simply focused on the feeling of love we had for other people until we magnified it in ourselves and by the end of the day you were just left with this amazing feeling of love inside you that was honestly just as good as any drug.

    I was told by a Buddhist nun once that it is commonplace for them to see and experience things that are miraculous but they don't really tell other people as they don't want to be seen as lunatics hehe.

    I don't meditate anymore at all unforunately mainly because my depression has made me lazy and gradually I've got it out of the habit and I'm sad about that. Those days were the happiest of my life and if I ever feel better again and have the energy and opportunity I would definitely go back to it again. I'm sure there are loads of other meditation techniques or whatever which are just as good out there but that path worked for me personally and I connected with it. But yeah with time and regular effort you'd be surprised at what you can acheive.
  8. jota1

    jota1 Well-Known Member

    Your made of stardust, how more "out of this world" do you want to be.
  9. NothingMan

    NothingMan Member

    Good point on the stardust jota ! When I was younger and more full of wonder I loved to think about that very fact and imagine myself as part of the bigger (much bigger) picture and being interconnected with everything. Later I found out that this is a central tenet of buddhism as well as other belief systems. I swear that at times it seemed that this improved things for me somehow but my ability to comprehend it seems to be lost . It's confusing to me that I can consciously remember it though and I've been trying to regain that sense .
    SS , sorry if I came off as a bit short and presumptious yesterday . I do realize that depression is blind to class and education etc but I was in a bit of a sarcastic mood . Thank you for your patience with me . I'm not going to try to "convert" you to hang gliding . It truly is a purely personal choice and one that requires a good deal of self serving behavior that in the long term can cause marital problems ! (I'm single so I can do what I want to.) Some of the guys I know have gotten divorced over it but many of them have amazing wives who want to help them . Anyway , the root of the sport isn't really flying , yet something more similar to that meditational thing mentioned by Pixie. I hope I'm not going off on a tangent here . I'd recommend it to anyone because of the great people I've met and the incredible feeling of being by yourself in the air . I even got my 78 year old mother to go up on a tandem and she loved it ! Something was missing from my life and I'm still not sure this was it but I do know that my life is improved by it . It was something that was on my "bucket list" that I wanted to do before I died , especially since I seem to want to half of the time (haha!). But to be totally honest here ,it doesn't seem to have changed that though. Anyway , it's the best first hand experience I've got to suggest to you so I put it out there . If you want more info I'll be glad to provide it in a PM or email . It sounds to me like you lead a blessed life and that you know it . But I also think that you're going through some kind of transitionional phase that you don't fully understand . Perhaps the meditation is right up your alley but you might consider finding a "guru" of sorts to help you along . You might do very well with this instead of something that could get you hurt .
  10. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I can't count the number of times that I have wished this.
  11. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    Enjoy your happy life. Because when death comes. What you have been waiting for. I'm thinking that you will simply cease to exist and there will be nothing. You won't be around to experience anything else. This is simply it. You are lucky enough as it is. There is nothing after death so focus on what life you do have.

    If you want to find the magic in life it can be done. You just have to pay attention to what you are focusing on. If you want to be entertained with mystical surreal experiences you should understand you never get out of life what you do not put into it. I know there are limitations but it sure is better than nothing, which is what death is.

    People have really big problems in this world (including me). You should feel relieved your life is as good as it is. No offense in saying this, but rather than wait for something exciting, seek it out, find it within yourself and in your environment and live it. Because these things can be overlooked, your attitude would become like a drug for you. The more exciting and bewildering things that happen. The more excitement and entertainment you need to keep you from being spiritually bored. Even if things were mind boggling and fantastic.

    Try being locked up in a room, the same four walls for months on end with nothing but your own thoughts to keep you company. When you finally get out the real world will be exciting after all and you will appreciate the freedom you have. It will be enough for you at that time. I speak from experience.
  12. still_searching

    still_searching New Member

    Thanks Pixie! I'll look into that more, and see what's available near me in way of mentoring, training, etc. It would definitely be nice to have some guidance other than books and the internet.

    Thank you Nothingman. I didn't take it personally and I understand feeling that way as well. It's gotten rather cold here, so I'll have to research hand-gliding, skydiving, etc. for a trip or next year =)

    Raphael you bring some excellent points. I may always have a sort of jaded aspect to myself, wishing that life were more mystical. But you're right. I imagine if I were locked away from the world for years, and were to be released back into it, I would most likely see everything in a very different way, even noticing "magic" where I hadn't before. And being caught up in the world, what we have, don't have, etc. can cause us to miss a lot of beauty.

    Thanks again everyone :) Great community at this forum, very nice and insightful people.
  13. jimmy88

    jimmy88 Well-Known Member

    Thought I'd add my 2 cents cause I'm passionate on the topic... the phenomenon is called astral projection. I had many projections last year while I was active with meditation. I'm not sure if this will work for most people because I have a more natural ability to project (did it in childhood without realizing what it was, scared the shit out of me.)

    Lay in a comfortable spot, obviously... bed, couch, recliner, etc. What helps a lot is stretching EVERY SINGLE MUSCLE in your body... start from your toes all the way up to your face muscles systematically. Now make your body totally dead. If you are twitching anywhere, kill the twitch by "deadening" that muscle.

    Now ya clear your mind, don't think with words or even feelings. Just concentrate on breathing deeply and slowly... in.. out... in... etc. At this point you'll start to feel heavy and maybe have full-body tingling sensations. Next, you need a technique to "pull yourself out." Easily the trickiest part. There are many methods approved by the gurus of the subject... I reccomend the "rope climbing" technique or the "floating up" technique. Both require you *feel yourself* carrying out this action, not thinking of it. Easier said than done. There's a link below on the rope climbing technique below.


    Anyway, most of my experiences were a blast. Sometimes the projections were so real I could've sworn I was in reality! I've seen, heard, touched, even tasted while out of body (can't say I've ever smelled anything though.) My stories don't even scratch the surface of what more disciplined projectioners have reported. But I've experienced enough to know this reality is nothing more than a stable dream we all participate in.

    Anyway, hope it works for ya and brings understanding to your life.
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