First, I’m not experiencing suicidal ideation of any kind. I don’t think I could ever kill myself and I’ll explain later why. But, I am here because I truly do want to die. I want to talk about these things, outside of individual therapy and the internet seems like a good medium because of the diversity it offers.
I’m sorry if this intro sounds self-centered or narcissistic, but it’s necessary so I can share how I feel about my life.
I’ve been diagnosed in the past with Bipolar Type 2 (I’ve never experienced an actual manic phase), and panic disorder when I was a teenager. I’ve attempted suicide by overdose three times in the past. They were in response to significant life stressors, when I didn’t cope with life too well, but they were cries for help because in each case I wanted to die but knew on some level that what I was doing was not lethal. I take medication for depression and anxiety. I’m also a master’s level psychotherapist.
I’m almost 30 years old. I’m happy. I love my life. I own a home, I have a beautiful and sweet girlfriend who loves me, I have a solid education and respectable full-time career, I have family and friends who love me and would do anything for me. I have a life that many would love to have. I literally have everything I need, everything I will ever need. I also recognize that true happiness comes from within. And I truly am happy!!!
But I seriously, from the bottom of my heart, want to die!
My entire life, for as long as I can remember the world is just so mundane. My life experiences are exciting, don’t get me wrong. I have had some wonderful times and very fulfilling experiences. But those are still worldly experiences. It’s just that I’m not interested or amazed by the world and life itself. It’s boring. There’s no magic of any kind. No one can fly, no one can manifest objects out of thin air, no one can teleport or time travel or anything like that. I want to die because I want to move on to the next life, the next existence, whatever it is, because this world isn’t interesting to me at all. It’s like a giant waiting room. I’m a very spiritual person. I have no fear of death whatsoever. I don’t think we can know the truth when it comes to the afterlife while we’re still alive, but I do know it is nothing to fear.
So really, the problem is, this world is just too plain.
Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong dimension.
People might say I’m depressed, because they think that I’m not enjoying things I may have in the past, that activities one would gain pleasure from I find boring and joyless. This is not the case! Like I said, I LOVE my experiences. I LOVE spending time with people I care about. I LOVE my hobbies, traveling, etc. I absolutely LOVE my job as well. But I would trade all of it for a quick, painless death. Yes, quick and painless, because I’m a wimp :P
It’s like I know how my life will go. I will get married, have kids, do worldly things, grow old and die. Some of this could change. I might win the lottery. I might discover the cure for some disease. The thing is, nothing that is possible (as far as I know) in this world would amaze me. Nothing. Within the realm of possibility in this world, there is nothing that could happen that I would be amazed with. I’m sure I will have enjoyable experiences along the way, but it just doesn’t sound worth the decades.
I can be having the best day, in the best possible mood, and still feel all of this. I can have a great day at work, be in a peppy or bubbly mood even, but if someone were to walk up to me during the most fortunate time, give me the option and say, “Hey, do you wanna keep going?” I would say “NO! Please kill me now! Let’s roll!” It’s like I have a romantic relationship with death. Thinking about dying gets me EXCITED.
Why I don’t just go ahead and kill myself: Other people! That’s completely it. I don’t want my friends and family to suffer. I could never actually kill myself because when it came down to the action I would think about everyone around me and back out. If I had no one who would care if I were gone, then I would probably have the courage to end it myself. Then again, it’s hard to know that for sure without going through it.
And I know people may be offended by this, but I've actually hoped that I would get cancer or some kind of terminal illness, so that I could die but it wouldn't be suicide.
So another problem is, I can’t think of anything worldly that will help. Vacations, retreats, medications, therapies, etc. are all a part of this world and that’s not what I need or want.
These are the things which I’ve thought of that could maybe help me:
A near-death experience
An out-of-body experience
Any kind of mystical, spiritual or magical experience
Death
That’s it :/ The experience would have to be beyond emotional and intellectual. So, I would really have to witness or experience something, not just “feel” or “think” or “believe” it. I would have to see a UFO, SEE some sort of divine intervention, EXPERIENCE dying, anything that is not mundane.
PLEASE – No religious interventions. Don’t tell me to find Christ or go to church. Don’t tell me to read the bible, pray, or meditate. I could do these things 24 hours a day and it would still be intellectual and emotional.
Pretty tall order huh :/ Well, at least it is for this world anyway. Does anyone else feel this way? Not depressed, not sad, but don’t want to live, because nothing is magical, everything is mundane. Like I have the soul of some wizard from another realm but I was dropped into this one on accident. I like to think of it as being “spiritually impatient”. Like I would rather just die now so I can see the next stage. I look forward to discussing this with any who are interested. Thanks for reading =)
I’m sorry if this intro sounds self-centered or narcissistic, but it’s necessary so I can share how I feel about my life.
I’ve been diagnosed in the past with Bipolar Type 2 (I’ve never experienced an actual manic phase), and panic disorder when I was a teenager. I’ve attempted suicide by overdose three times in the past. They were in response to significant life stressors, when I didn’t cope with life too well, but they were cries for help because in each case I wanted to die but knew on some level that what I was doing was not lethal. I take medication for depression and anxiety. I’m also a master’s level psychotherapist.
I’m almost 30 years old. I’m happy. I love my life. I own a home, I have a beautiful and sweet girlfriend who loves me, I have a solid education and respectable full-time career, I have family and friends who love me and would do anything for me. I have a life that many would love to have. I literally have everything I need, everything I will ever need. I also recognize that true happiness comes from within. And I truly am happy!!!
But I seriously, from the bottom of my heart, want to die!
My entire life, for as long as I can remember the world is just so mundane. My life experiences are exciting, don’t get me wrong. I have had some wonderful times and very fulfilling experiences. But those are still worldly experiences. It’s just that I’m not interested or amazed by the world and life itself. It’s boring. There’s no magic of any kind. No one can fly, no one can manifest objects out of thin air, no one can teleport or time travel or anything like that. I want to die because I want to move on to the next life, the next existence, whatever it is, because this world isn’t interesting to me at all. It’s like a giant waiting room. I’m a very spiritual person. I have no fear of death whatsoever. I don’t think we can know the truth when it comes to the afterlife while we’re still alive, but I do know it is nothing to fear.
So really, the problem is, this world is just too plain.
Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong dimension.
People might say I’m depressed, because they think that I’m not enjoying things I may have in the past, that activities one would gain pleasure from I find boring and joyless. This is not the case! Like I said, I LOVE my experiences. I LOVE spending time with people I care about. I LOVE my hobbies, traveling, etc. I absolutely LOVE my job as well. But I would trade all of it for a quick, painless death. Yes, quick and painless, because I’m a wimp :P
It’s like I know how my life will go. I will get married, have kids, do worldly things, grow old and die. Some of this could change. I might win the lottery. I might discover the cure for some disease. The thing is, nothing that is possible (as far as I know) in this world would amaze me. Nothing. Within the realm of possibility in this world, there is nothing that could happen that I would be amazed with. I’m sure I will have enjoyable experiences along the way, but it just doesn’t sound worth the decades.
I can be having the best day, in the best possible mood, and still feel all of this. I can have a great day at work, be in a peppy or bubbly mood even, but if someone were to walk up to me during the most fortunate time, give me the option and say, “Hey, do you wanna keep going?” I would say “NO! Please kill me now! Let’s roll!” It’s like I have a romantic relationship with death. Thinking about dying gets me EXCITED.
Why I don’t just go ahead and kill myself: Other people! That’s completely it. I don’t want my friends and family to suffer. I could never actually kill myself because when it came down to the action I would think about everyone around me and back out. If I had no one who would care if I were gone, then I would probably have the courage to end it myself. Then again, it’s hard to know that for sure without going through it.
And I know people may be offended by this, but I've actually hoped that I would get cancer or some kind of terminal illness, so that I could die but it wouldn't be suicide.
So another problem is, I can’t think of anything worldly that will help. Vacations, retreats, medications, therapies, etc. are all a part of this world and that’s not what I need or want.
These are the things which I’ve thought of that could maybe help me:
A near-death experience
An out-of-body experience
Any kind of mystical, spiritual or magical experience
Death
That’s it :/ The experience would have to be beyond emotional and intellectual. So, I would really have to witness or experience something, not just “feel” or “think” or “believe” it. I would have to see a UFO, SEE some sort of divine intervention, EXPERIENCE dying, anything that is not mundane.
PLEASE – No religious interventions. Don’t tell me to find Christ or go to church. Don’t tell me to read the bible, pray, or meditate. I could do these things 24 hours a day and it would still be intellectual and emotional.
Pretty tall order huh :/ Well, at least it is for this world anyway. Does anyone else feel this way? Not depressed, not sad, but don’t want to live, because nothing is magical, everything is mundane. Like I have the soul of some wizard from another realm but I was dropped into this one on accident. I like to think of it as being “spiritually impatient”. Like I would rather just die now so I can see the next stage. I look forward to discussing this with any who are interested. Thanks for reading =)