I'm having confused emotions about everything

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Klaus_the_Olive, May 21, 2016.

  1. This might be a bit lengthy, but its something thats been on my mind for a while now. Give it a read. Worse thing that happens is you don't get back the 5 minutes it took to read this.

    I have been suicidal many times in my life. I think the youngest time was when I was 9 and <Mod Edit, Methods> in the same room as my dad watching tv. It took him a few minutes to see what I was doing. I was young then.
    Now, I'm 21, and its safe to say I have depression, despite being an averagely happy guy. It comes in spurts, but it happens every day. My emotions get brought down and I just start feeling sad out of nowhere. Then I hear the same things I've heard many times. "Suicide is the only way out", "All your problems go away", "Life isn't worth living", etc. The only one of those that I still think is true is "All your problems go away".

    Why I think that is because the skew of my recent problems. I have debt for failing college twice, my landlord gave me a verbal warning about eviction, I've got phone bills and even psychologist bills for the reason I'm on here. Plus, there's the daily pot, but that stuff has helped me relax with all this so I'm not crying every day, more once every week. I lost my fulltime job recently because I got in an accident in a company car, and now work part time at a grocery store trying to pay these bills back.
    I'm also alone a lot. I draw myself more and more inward, regardless of how much I want to talk to people. Its a trust issue caused by a former friend that I can't seem to get over. If I tell anyone about my problems (these along with trauma from when I was young, and many other small problems), I feel like I'm just casting my burdens aside and making them drag my shit.

    Also there's the pot. But, pot actually gets me thinking.
    The first time I ever started thinking while high, I psychoanalyzed myself. If you really want your opinion on my own self-psychoanalysis (that I've never run by a psychologist) inbox me and I'll tell you.
    The latest time I was high, it occurred to me that I'm taking suicide as an answer to everything that goes bad. Because its such a common answer in my head for a long time in my life, that's where ALL of my confidence is going. Which is wrong. It should be going to fulfill my dreams or get a girl, but its not, and I don't know how to fix that. All I know... is confidence comes with certainty.

    I don't want to die. I don't. I want an out to my problems, but suicide sounds like the best bet. I don't want to leave my family, friends, and everyone else who knows my name. I keep picturing my funeral and how many people there are there.
    All I need to do is shift my confidence towards something else, but I don't know how to do that or what to shift it to.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 21, 2016
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    Suicidal thoughts do not come out of nowhere. There is or are thoughts that proceeds them. Keep careful watch for what triggers yours. It will be easier to form a safety plan once you are more aware.

    Bills, get in contact with creditors and work out payment plans. Losing your full-time is enough reason for them to work something out. Getting paid in full over a longer period is better than not being paid at all.
  3. First off, thank you to the mod who edited my post. I was so focused on getting all this out there, I forgot about trigger warnings for the people who are reading.
    Striking, I might be missing something, but the feeling just does feel like it comes out of thin air. I will keep an eye out for any types of triggers and get in touch with my creditors.
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry to say that I do not believe the pot is helping in any way . It is a known cause of stress, paranoia, and anxiety and is taking an already difficult financial situation and making it worse. Al;so it make sit so you are unable to get 70% of the jobs out there because they have urinalysis tests so you are stuck in a very low wage job because the possibility of higher positions of employment is negated by the choice of pot. The mere defense of its use is ringing all kinds of bells to me based on what I have seen from peopel dealing with addictions and psychological dependencies in the past - that it is important enough part of your life to be even talked about in the post is a pretty big warning sign.

    So far as bills, simply put them in order of need- you need food and a place to live (have you applied for foodstamps? As a single person would not be a lot but even $50 or $100 a month would be a lot of groceries if used carefully). You likely qualify for a free cell phone from any of a number of state and federal programs, and medical bills are always very very easy on making payment arrangements, even if it is just $10/ month. Also look into the health care exchanges- working so little you will qualify for highly subsidized insurance with very minimal copays to get more/better mental health care. The education loans can keep filing for deferments based on financial circumstance. Once the immediate is gone from the bills - and even if some do not get paid is no debtors prison and with a grocery store job you do not qualify for a mortgage or car loan anyway so credit score is irrelevant and last thing you need are credit cards- so the financial situation is not so dire as perhaps it might seem. Look for ways to get a better job and better paying employment over time and let things work themselves out as you get the better employment by concentrating on being a model employee and staying active in the job search (and not doing anything that makes most jobs useless to apply for) to change your overall life for the better.
  5. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    Yes it can feel like emotional reactions come from nowhere but there is always a trigger. It took me awhile to realize this even when began therapy and was told to closely examine the cause. And years later I can still struggle with this separation of thought and emotional response.

    This is a key component to recovery. If you can separate, take a moment to examine, it may allow you to think rationally instead of emotionally to your thoughts.

    Its not easy. But you will eventually see the cause-effect.
    NYJmpMaster likes this.
  6. Update:
    I'm facing eviction. Social Services declined me of a one-time payment to get caught up on my rent. All I can do is hope that one of the churches I called can help me, otherwise.. no one is able to take me in.
    The only thing stopping me from smoking pot is that my dealer couldn't deliver to me last night. Otherwise I would be high af right now so I could forget this sinking feeling.
    I can't approach my problem with a clear head because of how big it is. I can't think out a reasonable solution. So far, its either I gamble or I find a tombstone I like.
    I'm so fucking scared. I just wish my friends were here for me. They're all gone. I feel abandoned.