im having the worst day of my life!!!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by kote, Oct 3, 2010.

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  1. kote

    kote Account Closed

    im having the worst day of my life!!!
    it all started well with a nice bbq - then after that i went on the town drinking.
    well during the evening i had a clash with 3 guys who were extremely racist to me. during the clash i broke one of the guys phone and also punched him and kicked another.
    my very expensive watch was broken and soon the police arrived. i wassent to jail and managed by the skin of my teeth to get released by admitting that it was all my fault.
    the main problem is i have no self control and i was expecting a lengthy jail stay. now my will to go on has gone. im seriously considering a method tonight, if not tonight definately tomorrow.
    i tried to strangle myself in the cell with a sweater. it didnt work. but now im home i have several methods available.
    im a huge shame and burden on my family and ive descraced them all. the only way out is suicide soon.
    sorry to everyone here who have helped me in the past - now i just dont have the spirit to go on.
  2. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i just cant go on any longer. this was the icing on the cake and there is no turning back now.
  3. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    aww hell fellow. i eat dirt at being any decent support at the moment.

    Keep in mind you are an awesome father to some incredible young ppl who need you. You are the one with the better parenting skills and ability to nurture. They need you so much.

    We all make an error in judgement from time to time...and perhaps it really wasn't an error by the sounds of it.
    kind of dust yourself off, i understand the shame and what they may view as being disgrace, but try to pick yourself back up, and go on from this point. You have something eating at you perhaps keeping you on edge? ...hmm i suspect so now that i reflect a bit. Look, it was perhaps an error, maybe not. Grit those teeth, pick the chin up, look them in the eye, and keep going on.

    you have great strength which has brought you along this far. Those little ones are incredible and very much need you.

    sorry i am lacking in my ability to be of much help, but my heart is with you and hope you take some comfort.
  4. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    can you try and remain calm and not fight?
  5. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Killing yourself out of rage is rarely a good idea. The world's a mean place, so I can't say there's anything you can do about what happened. Here's a quote that may make you feel about it a different way, though:

    "Choose not to feel harmed, and you haven't been." - Marcus Aurelius

    That one works for me. You can choose to kill yourself in a murderous rage, or you can choose to not feel harmed. You don't have to react with rage whenever someone wrongs you. It happens every day, and sorry to say this, but there's nothing any of us can do about it. But we can choose how something affects us, and to rise above it. Sounds a little cliche, I know, but I think there's some truth to it.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    We all make mistakes and hopefully we learn by them.....
    is this happening only after you've been drinking or do you have anger issues otherwise?
    far better to get some help regarding your anger than to kill yourself...maybe talk to your doctor and/or get therapy.....take care
  7. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, it's a bit late for that now.

    Racist assholes. You have my sympathy for having to put up with that shit.
  8. kote

    kote Account Closed

    well its decided.
    im going for an insuline overdose. seems the easiest way and least painful and irreversable.
    diabetes is good for something.
    i will say goodnight to my wife and kids and they will just let me sleep in the morning and not disturb me.
    so its a guaranteed success.
    sorry to all of you who cared for me. its not your fault but my own, there was nothing you could do this time. im far past the winning post and you cant bring me back. im sorry, i wish you all well.
  9. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    neanderthal ****hugs****

    hey fellow, we all make errors. We even do things that may be right, that others cannot grasp, so condemn us for. seems perhaps you were standing up for something (what about others these idiots would harass?). It might not have been the choice method for dealing with it, but at least it shows others you feel strongly how wrong this is? sorry my head is really messed up atm and difficult to articulate my thoughts

    is this because of the jail thing? is it because family (extended) has caused you to feel you are a disgrace (which you are not). is it because there may be consequences at work? I keep reflecting on the pressures you have been under. you have a lot going on but you possess great strength.

    you have so much to share with those children. so much they can learn from you and so much they will be able to offer the world when they are grown, because they've learned from their father. you have a good heart, fellow.

    Could you perhaps try talking here, in your thread, explain more of what is going on, your reasoning, how you are feeling? My head is hurting so much so i may be a bit slow understanding atm. my apologies to you. ****HUGS****
  10. kote

    kote Account Closed

    im booked in for the drs. tomorrow.
    maybe it was an episode as i didnt take my meds as i was drinking. - if im off meds i tend to be more touchy over little things.
    the dr. will sign a letter saying so and hopefully i wont do jail time.
    i was beaten black and blue back at the station with trunchions and tied up in cuffs and ropes. but managed to kick a cop too - this is what i think i will get sent to jail for.
    but ive done it before and proudly say id do it again - im not allowing racist comments to be part of my life and that of my kids too.
    its what drove me to a nervous breakdown a racist board of education - and now im on disability because of it and never want to teach ever again after 10 hard years in the class room and a masters to top it of.
    anyway once the mist has cleared and i get proper knowledge of my punishment depends on my way of leaving this world. if i cant do the time i shouldnt have done the crime - actually i was the victim here but the racist system has it set up so i get screwed.
    well im spending no more time in a cell not one day. as soon as i will inject an overdose of insuline and let them deal with it. fuck em all!!!!
  11. kote

    kote Account Closed

    had a trial run of overdose of insuline. i will get my blood sugar low and on the edge. then see how i feel. if i feel the same i will give it a full load and that should do the trick. goodbye sweet world.
    my wife has booked me in with my dr. she hopes he can help. but all he can do is dope me up so i dont try and harm myself.
    depression, suicidal feelings, unable to work and now perhaps even jail. no thank you. im out of here.
  12. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    No Neanderthal, NO!
    would leaving the country for a brief period help?
    how about enough meds from the doc to keep you in bed for a while or back to the hospital or something?

    there are so many things you enjoy...things you can teach and share with those children...and who is going to protect them, fellow? That has been your too, will they learn to live with and cope with the problems you have encountered...the racial issues? You don't need them thinking this is the way to cope, for surely they will consider that.

    you are so stressed right now ***HUGS*** how about focus on some way to ease this stress...safely. Some intense sleep? I know you have been through so much and you have fought, struggled so hard, please don't give up now my friend. Can you find a bit more fight in you? xxxx

    I care very much about you and your family. ***hugs***
  13. kote

    kote Account Closed

    thanks Kali your words and support always help.
    but i cant see any way out this time.
    life has got me by the balls and wont let go.
    im got a very easy exit strategy.
    my kids will grow to learn who i was and what ive done.
    they know i love them all so much.
    thats why this is the best for them, no more stress. no more problems. no more me.
    sorry to let you down Kali!!! i hold you support very highly through what ive been through and what ive been through is insignificant compared to others - i know - im just weak and afraid.
    i cant face a day in a jail cell never mind a sentence - japanese jails are one of the worst world wide. i made a bad judgement call. now i have to pay with it with my life. so be it. the fight in me has gone im just a shell, no substance to me at all.

    :i'm sorry::i'm sorry::i'm sorry::i'm sorry::i'm sorry::i'm sorry::i'm sorry::i'm sorry:
  14. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i left england as i knew id either end up in jail or dead. i forged a very good life for everyone here. but now my past predictions are coming true.
  15. kote

    kote Account Closed

    just tested my blood sugar and it hasnt dropped low enough yet, so im gonna give myself another injection. this is supposed to be fast acting insuline.
  16. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    what you have been through is in no way insignificant. Don't even go there. Can't fairly compare one person's experience, against another's. **hugs**

    I know you are tired. I know you are is scary. Do you not have the strength to explore further options? perhaps the doctor can help, so charges may be lessened or perhaps dismissed...perhaps sentencing could be hospital time or something? I'm familiar with the way the jails there were run years ago...not recent times.

    Will you see the doctor tomorrow?

  17. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    To hell...i know how it works.

    you are doing this now, fellow?
    Neanderthal **hugs**

    come on, do you have any of your sleeping med?
  18. kote

    kote Account Closed

    yes i will see my dr. as i trust him and like him very much. he has been by my side through everything and knows everything - he feel like a father figure to me. i listen to him and respect him. he worries.
    last week i saw him and after going through a normal session, he stopped and looked at me and worriedly asking "are you alright?" the answer was yes then but i had a feeling i wasnt going back. such a strange feeling almost premonition like. i will see him and he will move mountains to help me. i am on medications to prevent outbursts such as i had - but i cant just rely on the dr. to get me out of trouble. its trouble i caused and im an adult and i will pay the price for that. so far its not gone to the prosecutors, tonight i will compensate the other guy for his broken phone and hitting him, i will appologise. thats only right but it not in his hands. i will do whats right, even though he was racist - i knew i could hurt him without getting hurt back - 3 against 1 were fair odds - me being the 1.
    anyway onto my 2 shot and see how that effects me. this is only a trial run. i have glucose to pull me back out of the hole im digging. but when i do it for real i will be far away from glucose and inject significantly more. - everything infact.
    im so sorry Kali!!!!!!!!! my time has come. youve given me so much more support than anyone could ask for, family, friends, none of them has helped as much as you. now im crying - such a baby!!! sorry!!!
  19. kote

    kote Account Closed

    yes i have sleeping meds, lots of them, but cant overdose on them as its not 100%.
  20. kote

    kote Account Closed

    2nd shot done.
    ive got dressed just incase im rushed to hospital. i dont want them having to dress me when im in bed unconcious.
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