I'm new to this place, so firstly hello to everyone. So where to start... I have been suffering from depression for 5 years, refractory depression for the last 2 years, and have reached the end of my tether. I have tried god knows how many medications, had hours of counselling and therapy, and all for nought. I'm in a loveless, emotionless and sexless marriage to a controlling, domineering, bossy woman, and have two daughters aged 9 and 8. 3 years ago I met a girl who I fell madly in love with and had a passionate affair with for 8 months. But it transpired that she was only in it for a laugh, and did not care about me, despite her telling me to the contrary. She tipped me over the edge in August 2006 and I had a nervous breakdown, followed by another in October 2006, when I tried to kill myself. I was sectioned and hospitalised for 4 weeks. I had another breakdown in August of last year, and again I was sectioned and hospitalised. I have not seen or spoken to the girl for 2 years and I cannot get her out of my mind. I think about her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and hate myself for doing so. I know I shouldn't be thinking about her, because it makes me really depressed, but I can't stop it. I just want the pain she caused me to go away, and I know it won't. Time, in this instance is not a great healer, because I am getting worse, not better. There are too many unresolved issues and I am unable to find closure (yuk, I hate that word!). I am permenantly exhausted, I can't sleep (despite taking sleeping pills and anti psychotics), I can't work, I get no pleasure from life, and I just want to curl up in a ball and die. Yes, I know, I would miss my children growing up, getting married, having kids of their own, all the things a parent looks forward to in their children. But the pain would never go away. I miss her and love her too much, and it hurts really badly. I want the pain to go away, and the only way I can think of that will stop the pain will be if I am not around anymore. Please can someone tell me how do I stop the pain????????