I have a plan, and I think it will work. The only thing that's stopping me now is a fear of failure. A fear that I might just end up with severe organ damage. A fear that my family will find out how I feel.
My plan right now is to make it look like an accident. I know my family cares about me, and I think it will hurt them less if they don't know the truth. I know everyone will tell me that they need to know how I really feel so they can help me, but they wouldn't help me anyway. My family is very strongly Christian--and extremely judgmental. Telling them would just make me feel worse about myself, since I know they would look down on me for the way I feel. They do care about me, but they would be more upset to find out that I wanted to kill myself than they would be if they thought I died in an accident.
I used to be scared of what was on the other side, but that doesn't bother me so much anymore. If there is something there, then we're all going to have to face it eventually. I don't think that whatever it is would be worse just because you got there by committing suicide.
The truth is that I should be feeling better about life. I'm graduating college in December. Although my boyfriend isn't quite the man of my dreams, at least I finally have a boyfriend, so I don't feel quite so alone anymore. But still, the past nags at my mind every minute of every day. Consequently, I just sleep all day to try to keep myself from thinking about things. I've been in therapy for a few years now. I just want to shut my brain off. I try to distract myself, but no matter what I'm doing, the bad memories are never far away.
I don't even feel like I belong on SF anymore. I'm too scared to go through with my plan. I can't help anyone. I feel so hopeless that I'm not in any position to be giving advice to anyone else. I just waste my time and everyone else's time with my stupid posts feeling sorry for myself. I guess I should go now. :blub:
My plan right now is to make it look like an accident. I know my family cares about me, and I think it will hurt them less if they don't know the truth. I know everyone will tell me that they need to know how I really feel so they can help me, but they wouldn't help me anyway. My family is very strongly Christian--and extremely judgmental. Telling them would just make me feel worse about myself, since I know they would look down on me for the way I feel. They do care about me, but they would be more upset to find out that I wanted to kill myself than they would be if they thought I died in an accident.
I used to be scared of what was on the other side, but that doesn't bother me so much anymore. If there is something there, then we're all going to have to face it eventually. I don't think that whatever it is would be worse just because you got there by committing suicide.
The truth is that I should be feeling better about life. I'm graduating college in December. Although my boyfriend isn't quite the man of my dreams, at least I finally have a boyfriend, so I don't feel quite so alone anymore. But still, the past nags at my mind every minute of every day. Consequently, I just sleep all day to try to keep myself from thinking about things. I've been in therapy for a few years now. I just want to shut my brain off. I try to distract myself, but no matter what I'm doing, the bad memories are never far away.
I don't even feel like I belong on SF anymore. I'm too scared to go through with my plan. I can't help anyone. I feel so hopeless that I'm not in any position to be giving advice to anyone else. I just waste my time and everyone else's time with my stupid posts feeling sorry for myself. I guess I should go now. :blub:
