I'm hopeless...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by beautifuloblivion, Jul 9, 2009.

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  1. beautifuloblivion

    beautifuloblivion Well-Known Member

    I have a plan, and I think it will work. The only thing that's stopping me now is a fear of failure. A fear that I might just end up with severe organ damage. A fear that my family will find out how I feel.

    My plan right now is to make it look like an accident. I know my family cares about me, and I think it will hurt them less if they don't know the truth. I know everyone will tell me that they need to know how I really feel so they can help me, but they wouldn't help me anyway. My family is very strongly Christian--and extremely judgmental. Telling them would just make me feel worse about myself, since I know they would look down on me for the way I feel. They do care about me, but they would be more upset to find out that I wanted to kill myself than they would be if they thought I died in an accident.

    I used to be scared of what was on the other side, but that doesn't bother me so much anymore. If there is something there, then we're all going to have to face it eventually. I don't think that whatever it is would be worse just because you got there by committing suicide.

    The truth is that I should be feeling better about life. I'm graduating college in December. Although my boyfriend isn't quite the man of my dreams, at least I finally have a boyfriend, so I don't feel quite so alone anymore. But still, the past nags at my mind every minute of every day. Consequently, I just sleep all day to try to keep myself from thinking about things. I've been in therapy for a few years now. I just want to shut my brain off. I try to distract myself, but no matter what I'm doing, the bad memories are never far away.

    I don't even feel like I belong on SF anymore. I'm too scared to go through with my plan. I can't help anyone. I feel so hopeless that I'm not in any position to be giving advice to anyone else. I just waste my time and everyone else's time with my stupid posts feeling sorry for myself. I guess I should go now. :blub:
  2. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    ellie please don't do this! :hug: you do belong here, you're posts are just as important as everyone elses and no matter how you feel you can give advice and get help okay :arms:
    you said yourself your life is looking up - you should be concentrating on that :smile: i know it's hard, trying to forget when things from the past are always stuck at the front of your mind and you can't get rid of them - but it does fade, you can get through it! :smile: please keep trying hun!
    you have so much to look forward to - you're graduating, you have a boyfriend, you have a life ahead of you which i'm sure will be full of happiness, you just have to keep strong during the hard times :hug:
    hun if you ever need to talk, you can PM me any time, i mean that :heart: triggs xx
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with triggs.. Your thoughts are just as important as anyone elses here..You can give advice or just vent your frustrations.. Thats what we are here for , to help you stand when you are weak..You are part of a big family here at SF... Take Care!!
  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Your welcome to carry on talking here, we're all here to listen and we care what you say and what you are going through. Please don't follow through on this plan. Take care. :hug:
  5. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I have that fear too, that I will wake up worse off than I am already. Whether it be organ damage or just ending up in a work situation. My therapist says that is a good fear and I guess I agree :laugh:

    Of course you belong here. When you're down is when you need us the most. You don't need to give advice, and you are not wasting anyone's time. Your post is very important considering how bad you're feeling! If all you can do is take support then take support, you don't have to give anything right now, you're going through enough.

    I am sorry that your parents are judgemental about this. I can't tell you how to let this out without them finding out, but anything is better than taking your own life. Do anything you can to keep yourself alive. You say bad memories. What memories are you having trouble with.

    Keep yourself safe hun and keep posting :hug:
  6. beautifuloblivion

    beautifuloblivion Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for the replies. I can't tell you how much it means to me just to feel like I belong somewhere. :hug:

    I know it would probably help me to talk about the bad memories, but it's just gotten so hard to talk about things. I've been dwelling on things for so long and my throughts have become so muddled that I hardly know what to say anymore. I don't think I really want to die. I just want to go somewhere far away and leave the memories behind. I wish I could just stuff everything I own into my car and drive away from this place and never look back.
  7. nevertheanswer

    nevertheanswer Active Member

    It's a good thing that you still fear it becomes that only means that you care for your life.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi beautifuloblivion,

    I think your family would be terribly upset whichever way you'd die. :(
    Like the other posters,I'm glad you have that fear, if its stopping you from doing this,then its a good fear. :hug:
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