I'm an economically successful, socially skilled, adaptable, intelligent, pragmatic, and exceptionally charismatic dependent with the guise of an extraverted leader. But I'm only good at the things I do because it's for a future with a girl I know I can never have. I only feel good about those things if she likes what I do, too. She's my motivation for everything and has been for eight years. All of my suicide attempts were because I felt rejected, which in my brain equals worthy of not just death, but punishment for being so weak. I wanted to talk to my love interest tonight, even though she abuses me and I know I can do so much better, but it doesn't seem to matter at all to the circuitry in my brain. I had made a short film I really wanted her to see in which I played a large part, and I essentially had made it for her (just like going to school, getting work, making connections, straining myself to excel, moving up, etc...). But she wasn't in the mood, then said she was taking a shower and that she'd be back later, but she never came back, and again I started feeling like I deserved punishment for being so useless and stupid and helpless to do anything despite that I know this has happened for so many years, but every time, it's as if I just forget and still can't cope. Despite the fact that this has happened hundreds of times over the past 12 years knowing her, I'm having the same emotional reaction as always. And as usual, it comes through in my writings. I wrote this, because when I'm distressed I tend to write like this: <edit moderator total eclipse too graphic too triggering> I tend to write a lot from the perspective of an abused person, male or female, because that's my personal analogy for what the feeling's like in my mind. I feel so goddamned sick. But I know I shouldn't. She was probably just not in a talkative mood and got distracted. All I said was that I had finished my film and I'd like her to see it, and she said she wanted to shower and come back later. As the minutes passed, I became more and more distraught. I felt that pang of rejection, of being worthless, of being nothing. It hurts so badly. And I know tomorrow it's going to be like tonight never happened. And this will continue to go on for who knows how long. I can't believe I've somehow become this emotionally dependent on one person for gratification at the exclusion of all else. Everything I do is to just get me into a future with her. I hate myself for it, but I feel forced to do it. I don't know why I feel forced. It feels like something I have to do for reasons I can't logically explain. I'm like a fucking heroin addict who needs fixes, except my fix is affection. That's all. Someday I'm going to not be able to handle a particularly bad rejection that in reality isn't that bad and violently kill myself so there's as little left of me as possible. I don't deserve to look nice if I'm going to desperately scramble for a means to end my life. I'll take anything that can mutilate or crush my head and/or heart so I die in the most appropriately punishingly way possible. I want God to get rid of me and stop letting me act this way.