I'm howling for the moon.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jacob91, Jun 21, 2007.

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  1. Jacob91

    Jacob91 Member

    It's more than a lame outlook.

    I've spent my entire life thinking.

    I'm anything if typical.

    My story is different than that of many people's.

    I was born in 1991, and very soon after was hailed almost supernaturally as a child prodigy, an intelligent savant,

    However I was very reserved, analytic, sentient, I saw everything that went on in the world, and was accompanied by incredible memory. This was my greatest asset until I realized it was my undoing.

    I was happy, yet perturbed and tainted by the ink of society until I was unimpressionable, anything but naive, and a very somber person, even as a child, and was plagued by frequent panic attacks.

    But my ability to pretend was what allowed me the flexibility to overcome anything. I saw what was inhibiting me socially and before I became Seven years old befriended two friends, very closely.

    My life, however, changed drastically for the first time on May 3rd, 1999. The largest tornado carrying the fastest windspeeds came and destroyed my entire house while I was still in it. I felt very close to dying, as if my soul would leap from my body. I fell asleep in the middle of a panic attack and found myself in sleep paralysis for the first time, shocked.

    I should have been so afraid, looking back. But I lay in peace, almost as if I had come to terms with my death.

    But I survived, only to find myself homeless, with a dead best friend.

    Not that it made me any different, I was too young to make a deal of it, but the memories scarred my complexion forever.

    Three months later, in August, the most life-changing event occurred, one that I have kept secret from all of my closest peers.

    I fell asleep one night, and felt a falling sensation and seemed to jump out of my bed awake, the next morning, but I had no control of my body, and continued to watch behind my eyes as I went through the next 19 years of my life, day by day, and every event unfold so slowly.

    I awoke the next morning, and my parents found me to be strangely different. Smarter, if anything, but also having forgotten some very basic things such as where the cups were in the cabinets.

    I was full-blown traumatized, no idea what to make of the situation, until a couple years later, the very same thing happened.

    I awoke determined to find what I was experiencing, and although the events in my dream seemed to be inexplicably recreating themselves in my awake state, I had come to the conclusion that I was having an out of body experience where I would possess my dream body.

    My life from then on became confused, dark.

    I befriended many people, and had instances of unrequited love, and the thoughts persisted of killing myself in fear of the events portrayed in the dream come to light and actually happen, as they fear I will, although I strongly believe against it, I feel that this will happen and truly fear it.

    Tell me what you would do.

    Live for nothing more than living in absolute fear for nothing or nobody?

    Or forfeit early at the cost of less pain?

    I think this is a no-brainer.

    But you are inclined to disagree.
     
  2. robc1888

    robc1888 New Member

    my friend, it is obviously you have a way with words from reading your post. You conveyed your feelings in a way that truly allowed for me to see where you are coming from. I too feel as though I have a fairly dark outlook on life; however, I feel as though this outlook is raw and real- therefore, this depression I've been in is, in a sense, bittersweet. I believe that I know what you are going through: I feel adrift and disconnected from society. I hate the thought of conforming to solely gain the recognition of my peers. I never asked for this life, it is something that has been forced upon me and, as a result, I do not know what to do or how to go about living it. I now find myself self medicating and exhibiting extremely reclusive behavior. All that I can say is that I too feel detached and lost. As well, I know that it is comforting to know that others are experiencing what I am experiencing. Having said that, I admire your confidence in revealing your true, uncensored feelings/emotions. I am here with you- and although it my not register in your mind- my compassion and innate love in general compels me to reply to your post. Although you may not believe it, People care, and although life, at times, seems meaningless and empty, it is the only life that we get- live it on your own terms and truly enjoy it- before you know it my friend, it will be over.
     
  3. zen14

    zen14 Guest

    Your period has a leek there.

    Well I, myself, have come across a quandery.
    Being above the quotent, (insomuch as fonzy-esqueness), wonder such things usually relaying to what avid solice can I seek....If any, my brethren. And perchance if I am devout enough to seek it, may I be so fortunate to happen across...one sec (what was I on about?)...oh yes, solice. Maychance thine glory lyeth in mine quest and not so much in my ultimate "percieved" goal?

    Know what I'm sayin?
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2007
  4. zen14

    zen14 Guest

    May 3rd 1999? The biggest tornado to hit our area.

    You're from Wichita Kansas like me huh? That tornado was literally 10 yards from my home.

    PS: Savants kick ass. "36 36 36" (Rainman counting toothpicks).
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2007
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