i'm hurt

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by smackh2o, Dec 31, 2008.

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  1. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I've been posting in here a long time. Recently i've been posting and i've been feeling pathetic for doing it. I post and I post and I complain about myself and life.
    I can't begin to tell anyone what I feel whilst i'm compelled to post but the day after, when the pain receeds, I think what a fool i've been.
    I don't hate myself that much, don't get me wrong.
    I really need some advice. Pieces of music can send me into a torrent of tears. I want to live in dramas I see on TV. I romance about these things. I keep it together in the time i'm around others but i'm so lonely now.
    Every time it makes me feel this way and each time it feels like i'm getting closer to that stupid thing I tried to do years ago.
    I'm a shadow of what I could have been and i'm so scared i've got to live with that pain forever. I just need something and it's sending me crazy. Please I beg someone just to give me an answer. Drill it in to my head because I don't want to go back down that road. It's not going to be many years before the music and the stories get to me and send me to a place I don't know or love. My own passion is killing me and I hope no one has to suffer this burden.
    And then the music changes and my mind with it. I'm not even human. I'm just a ghost yet I feel compelled to post this now like I always do. It's not fair. None of it, for any of us. Such a challenge is ridiculous.

    And then the music changes again..
    How do you ask for help with every song?
     
  2. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Hi there,

    Well hell I'm a shadow (at 45) of what I could have been, too. Welcome to life, I guess.

    So. I don't know what you're asking.

    "Please I beg someone just to give me an answer. Drill it in to my head because I don't want to go back down that road."

    Can you form the question for me?
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You are not a fool for posting what you do. I am glad you feel you can. I wish I had the answers you need. Can you be careful about what you listen to? I don't know if that would help or not.
     
  4. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I could stop watching programmes and listening to music but i'de have to bottle all of the emotions up. I don't know what the question is because it keeps changing. My head keeps changing. Right now I am in a position to kind of make sense of it.
    I'm lonely I guess, depressed, feel inadequate. Just want those things to go away. But what happens if my head changes. The things are different, they're there but they're different. I bet I sound like a crazy person. I keep having dillusions of grandeur and then when I come back to reality the emptiness of not feeling a part of something so great hurts like fire.
    Just this afternoon I watched Dr Who and now I feel like throwing myself off a bridge and yet these programmes and songs are the only thing that makes me feel like I am actually living. What is wrong with me?
     
  5. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Smack -

    I'm no psychiatrist ok? But I detect perceptual and interpretive distortion of reality as you perceive it, and that sounds a lot schizophrena or psychophrenia depending on what they call it where you live.

    Psychiatry by itself covers such SO much so I might be completely misguessing... Main thing bro, you need to get out, be proactive and ask help. You might be amazed.

    ToHelp
     
  6. This may sound too simplistic, but might I suggest you to stop listening to music that triggers you? I have the same problem when I listen to music or sometimes when I watch a show about love and romance, it just makes me feel like I'm the only one who's alone. And with the music, it turns me into an overly sensitive nostalgic person. So about a year or so ago, I stopped listening to so much music (especially the kind I know will trigger me) and I stopped having those roller coasters of externally induced mental lapses. It's exciting sometimes the way music can alter our moods so drastically, but to sacrafice our own well-being for it might be a bit foolish.
    I don't believe your emotions would be bottled up if you stopped listening to the music and watching the shows either, I think the feelings you are having are caused by the music and shows, so if you stop those, you may in fact feel better. It's like alcohol, you don't bottle up your drunkeness if you don't have alcohol, you aren't drunk at all. It's only when you do drink that you are drunk.
     
  7. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    That makes a lot of sense right now unregistered thanks. I think I need to try something and that is as good an idea as any.
    It will be interesting to see what happens.
    I'm also kinda outgoing anyway. I'm a barman and I have a pretty decent social life. I've asked for lots of help and recieved so much in the past but my mind doesn't let anyone in too easily. It plays tricks on them I think.

    Thanks for all your replies, I guess i'll keep you all updated.
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug: I'm really sorry you feel this way. You sound as if this is torturing you. You don't sound crazy at all. I do many of the things you have mentioned, they keep me going. I'm here if you need to talk.
     
  9. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    H2o - it sounds to me that you have already answered your question. The main thing that jumped out at me was the word - inadequacy. I battle with that feeling myself, it makes everything i do or say pretty much pointless because i don't think i'm worth anything or anything is worth anything. I feel the only way i'm worth something is if i cure cancer, bring wars to an end etc - are these the delusions of grandeur you were speaking of? I may be way off the mark but it sounds to me as though your life isn't exactly how you expected/want it to be. It sounds as though you are in a bit of a rut to be honest and don't really know what you want out of life. You seem to be living out possibilities and hopes through lyrics and tv adventures. To be fair that is part of the joy of tv/music, it can take you to places that you would not normally imagine. But you do need a healthy balance. There is adventure in real life too. I have a feeling you are a romantic, one of those people that is in love with love? :smile: I love dr who and sometimes feel going back to my reality sucks big time and i just want the episode to go on and on and never end. Perhaps you could find out what would stop you feeling inadaquate - or even why you feel that way in the first place.
     
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey H20,
    This might sound crazy but I am a rock n roller and here lately I have been pulling the curtains and closing the door and my dog and me lay down and listen to some good ole country and western turned down low. Surprisingly it has had a comforting effect on me. May be you need to try something different and see if it helps you. Take Care!!~Joseph~
     
  11. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I think seeing a therapist could really help you. You're not crazy, you're just going through a lot of bad stuff right now. Keep posting here, it might help you to get things off your chest. :hug:
     
  12. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Wow! I've just blown up again. It's been too long. Burst into tears on my friend. He was so good. Talked me through loads and your right. It is the inadequacy. In fact your really spot on. And I do need to go and see someone.
    I was thinking a year of therapy and a few pills could solve so much but I really need to let it out. I need to talk openly about everything.

    I'm really thanking you all for your support. It means a hell of a lot. I've got a plan and a focus now. Even that makes me feel 10 times better.

    And i'm gonna try that country and western as well. I love a bit of Old Crow Medicine Show!
     
  13. Speck

    Speck Well-Known Member

    Good to hear your friend was able to help you :)

    Keep talking! x
     
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