I'm hurting really badly right now

[DrkZ90]

I just want to die so desperately... Every day is another hell to go through, worse than the one before... and the nights aren't better either... I was up crying until 2 am last night, and as soon as I get to my room in a couple of minutes, it won't be any different... once I'm in my room at night, I simply break down, I can hardly keep myself from crying during the day just because I don't want to have to go through being laughed at and treated even worse because of that...

As my so-called friends keep ignoring me, even the new ones I make, what's the point anyway? Everyone always treats me like this sooner or later, no matter what I do or how many new people I meet it's always the same thing: I'm only a tool, as soon as they don't need me, I don't exist for them, or anyone else...

I've tried to reach out, because I once was stupid enough to believe they cared... they laughed, convinced that me wanting xxxx was just a joke... and online isn't that much different... I've been called an attention seeker more than once, or simply get ignored...

I can't keep going like this... my head keeps torturing me, with dreams about my "friends" being what they never were to me: real friends, having happy dreams only makes it worse once I wake up, because I wake up to a reality that's the polar opposite of the dream.

I might try to strangle myself again tonight... idk, I just hope I stop feeling fast enough... by tomorrow night nobody will remember me anyway, and most don't even know if I'm still alive and clearly don't care either (some of my so-called "friends" haven't talked to me in months... and me trying to contact them only made it worse, they completely ignored me).

I don't know what I want out of this thread, but I felt I had to do it... I'm broken beyond repair, just a waste of time, space and money (I guess my family is right on that)...

 

[Sadeyes]

People who treat you that way, no matter how young they are, are not real friends...you should not be laughed at or made to feel any worse...it seems you are very accepting and understanding, a wonderful trait, especially in light of the pain you are in..do not give that up and please do not become bitter...you do deserve better and I hope you continue to try to make friends and find someone who does deserve you...big hugs

 

[DrkZ90]

but 7 years of doing just that: trying to make friends, only brought more pain and made matters worse... brought me t o a point where most stuff triggers a hurtful memory and I end up deeply depressed... that feeling of being hollow, of dying inside, is horrible, I hate it, I just want to stop feeling, that's the only way to stop that feeling...

 

[Butterfly]

I agree with SadEyes. You do not deserve to be mocked or laughed at about the way you feel. These people are very naive and to some extent it is bullying. A lot of people do not think that depression is a real illness and that's where the problem begins. For a lot of people, they do not understand depression unless they have experienced it themselves. Why do you feel so in pain? What has caused you to feel the way you feel?

If you have not already, try and seek some professional help. You can do that by talking to your doctor, calling the samaritans, taking yourself to your local emergency department or call a crisis hotline. You sound like you are reaching out for help and to be listened to. You have made the first positive step by reaching out to us here. We may not being able to solve your problems but we can listen to you and help you make sense of them. Keep posting and just know that I am only a PM away if you ever want to talk.

 

[DrkZ90]

I simply can't look professional help... that's just not an option... is hard to explain, but to put it short I know for a fact I can't, it's always been out of the question for me.

It's being lonely
it's being gay (I do accept myself, but who cares if society hates me? it makes no difference then)
it's having feelings for people younger than me (it's repulsive and illegal, I hate myself for that but can't help it)
it's what happened back in school
it's the fact that it's already too late for me to have a friend that I would mean as much to him as he would mean to me, because at this point everyone already has someone like that in their life and they have no place in their hearts for me...
it's all that and even more stuff I simply don't know how to put into words, I don't know how to describe it...

I do know some of that stuff is related to one another, and I firmly believe that solving that last point would make everything else more tolerable, but even then, I would just be a load and a burden for someone else, that wouldn't be fair with said person (if they exist at all, which I doubt), besides it wouldn't completely solve everything, I would still be broken beyond repair, a mater of how long can I cope...

 

[Butterfly]

Why do you feel you can't access help? Are not covered by insurance? Or do you just have a conception that you feel that it is not for you? Or are you just too frightened of being judged?

From what you have said, there are definately issues that need addressing in some form or another. Is there any way you can take yourself out of your environment and move to another place. Do you have any hobbies that you can participate in to meet new people? Have you looked for any support groups? Trying some of these may help you not to feel as lonely, the latter option can mean that you make friends and can talk about your issues without a fear of being judged. As for being gay, have you tried meeting other gay people? Like going to clubs and bars. I think again there are support groups for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. It might be an option worth looking into as they may be able to relate to you and help you cope with the stigma that sadly is attatched to being gay.

As for having feelings for people younger than you? At some point in their lives people may have perverse feelings for another, it is normal. The important part is not acting on it and to remove yourself from the situation.

A lot of problems people have are interlinked with each other. It's not always about making massive goals for yourself. Making small goals for yourself can help you make it through the day. Achieving these goals can make you feel positive within yourself. I do urge you to keep talking to us. A little thing I do is to keep a diary, both on paper and here on the boards. It doesn't necessarily remove my barriers but when I feel like I cannot confess to anyone else, i can write down my feelings and get a load off my chest that enables me to often make sense of my feelings. Perhaps that could be an option for you to try? Keep talking to us, hopefully it will be easier for you to open up in time.