Hi, I'm new and I am not sure where to go from here. I am going to try the best I can to write what is in my heart so anyone who reads this will understand. I am not even sure I understand what I am feeling. I see a therapist and the last time I saw her she asked me what it was that I need her to help me with. I have been seeing her for three years now. She asked how have I seen change in myself. I told her that I was becoming more independant. I was starting to stand up for myself and some other things. I went home and thought about it and I couldn't figure out why I was still feeling so bad and depressed and very suicidle. Then I realized that all the things I mentioned about change, I thought those things are just meterial things, but there is something inside me that is so deep and hurts so bad thats it killing me from the inside out. The thing is I don't know what it is, I just know its there and its something that I must have shoved down so far inside my heart that I don't know how to bring it out. My life right now feels like nothing. I'm alive but not really living. I go through the motions but thats all. I am consumed with thoughts of suicide because I feel its my only way out of this pain. I don't know if I am even making since, I am sorry for taking up space here. Thanks for allowing me to write.