Im in a mess

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by DISTANT32, Oct 20, 2009.

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  1. DISTANT32

    DISTANT32 Member

    Need help but there is no one. Im not in a good place right now. Im getting worse. No one to tell no one who understands.

    Have been having sessions to talk about my past. But now im not in a safe place. Im consumed with thoughts I dont want. Im holding it together for my daughters sake but Im out of energy.

    After my last session last week I have remembered something that changes my outlook on one of the several areas of my life I hate. However instead of feeling better I feel so much worse.

    I remember him telling me I couldn't change my mind. I was 16 he was 35. I can see now that I was less to blame but I now feel so badly towards myself but in a different way. I see how simple I am, how pathetic and stupid I am. Before I remembered this I hated myself but for different reasons. I cant cope with new feelings. I dont want to be here anymore. I want to go to sleep and not wake up.
     
  2. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey welcome to the forum :)

    sorry youre in such a bad place right now. you were 16 sweet, and whatever age you are its wrong. your neither pathetic or stupid. it can be really hard to work through the way you feel after traumatic events, but maybe if you feel able to talk on the forum we can offer you support and friendship to make it through this time :hug:
     
  3. DISTANT32

    DISTANT32 Member

    Thank you for replying!

    Im consumed with vivid thoughts of my past.

    When I was little my grandad sat me on his lap and kissed me like I was his wife. I hated it. My nan would walk in and tell my grandad not to do it, but he always did.

    When I was 8/9 a man tried to get me in his car.....he said he would pay me £10 if I let him remove my underwear. I managed to get away but everytime I see a white car I freak out.

    From the age of 8/9 my brother made me do things (he was only 18 months older than me). When I was 15 I told him no and he tried to kill me (I managed to run to a friends house and they called the police but I never told them what made my brother so angry) - I was and am still too ashamed to discuss this.

    When I was 16 I agreed to sleep with a man I didn't want to. He told me I wasnt allowed to change my mind. It was horrid, dirty and bad.

    I cant talk to my therapist. Im alone in my own head. Im so frightened and I dont know what to do
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I stay here as well for my daughter Therapy is hard at first as the emotions are so fresh so real but in time give it time as you work through the memories the pain your therapist will help you. Tell T how you are feeling phone and leave a message so can talk to you. It is up to your therapist to leave you feeling stronger at the end of each session but you have to talk with T.
    I have overwhelming feelings still about wanting it all to go away wanting to end it all. I am fighting it only because of my daughter she needs me here for a little longer I hope you are taking something for anxiety it help me at the start to deal with all the saddness. and anxiety. Know you are not alone now you are here and come here whenever you need support lots here can understand I am sorry you had to suffer so but know none of it was your fault none He was the adult the SOB and he will get paid back some how somewhere he will suffer as he made you. Stay here okay and call your T to get some help fit in for a sooner session
     
  5. DISTANT32

    DISTANT32 Member

    Thanks for your reply. I am taking beta blockers for my anxiety - 80mg a day but I am still anxious. I was put on lamotrigine to stabilise my moods but they made me feel even worse so I threw them out last week. My daughter is the only thing keeping me here but I am running out of energy. I suffer from social phobia, an eating dissorder, stress, anxiey, depression and self harm. Im finding hard to see the point in life. The only purpose I have is beng a mum and im hardly a decent role model. Sorry to sound so negative but I just cant lift myself up. Days are becoming longer and longer and in turn the suffering goes on endlessly. Sorry
     
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