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Im in a pickle

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I'm in a mess. I have made a massive mistake and some people might think I deserve whats coming. Basically I've been married for just over 2 years and been with my partner for 9 years in total. I committed adultery with a lady from my work who also happens to be married. There are feelings between me and this other woman whether it is love or lust, who knows but we were both prepared to leave our partners. We tried to talk each other out of how we were feeling before anything happened, but we couldn't control our feelings and obviously things happened. This ladies husband obviously found out, however he is not the type to let this lie down, he's 18 stone steroid user so his head can be all over the place. He has threatened what he wants to do to me, and made it clear I have to stay away from his wife. Then there is my wife who is absolutely devastated, and in pieces. The problems I face now is I think I love this other woman, I don't think anyone could love me as much as my wife does, my life is in danger by the phsyco husband, my career could be over as the husband keeps turning up at work and has told me to stay away. I just can't see a happy ending. Part of me says I want to make a go of it with this woman, but not sure how possible that will be without my life being in a danger and made a misery of. Then there is my wife who is struggling to come to terms with this. I don't think anyone could love me the way she does, but I don't think I love her? It would't be fair to just go back and be with someone your not sure you can love, that would be holding her back. Then would she ever be able to trust me again. I've never been in a situation like this but I can't see a happy ending whatever route I take, and at the moment I can't even think straight what I want, as I'm always looking over my shoulder and living my life in fear. I do realise this is my own fault, and some people won't have any sympathy. But I can't see a happy ending and that is why I could do everybody a favour and put an end to my own life!

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
No the only one you would be doing a favor for is you You have cause so much trauma already killing yourself would only cause more pain to everyone
You have to take responsibility here the other women is married she is NOT availbable okay
YOU are MARRIED you are not availble to someone else

My suggestion is go get marriage councilling and see why it is your marriage is not what it once was That is if your wife still wants this marriage now

You need to look at you now and get coucilling to why you are doing the things you are knowing it affects so many lives.

time to grow up some sorry to say that but the affair should stop and councilling for you and your wife should take precedent
If your wife loves you as much as you say she does, she deserves better than you are giving her.
Try to remember why you loved her so much in the first place and show her some respect.
Is the grass greener on the otherside?
Methinks with 18 stone of muscle round the bend, probably not.
I will shut up now before i say what i really want to.
Good luck.
And btw, yeah i messed things up too, so would quite like to see others not make my mistakes.


Staff Alumni

I have mixed feelings when reading your post so bear with me. My parents were married until about 4 years ago.. but it turned out that my dad had been having an affair, with the same woman, on and off since before I was even born. I never knew about it but my mum did find out a few times throughout the marriage but kept taking him back. At first I totally blamed my dad (and actually if I'm honest I still do) because my life has very much been affected by his actions.. but i also see that life isn't perfect, people are not perfect.

Sure it's easy for me to say that in hindsight my dad should have left us before starting with his now wife.. but hindsight is a wonderful thing. He suffered for what he did to me and my mum (ok in all honesty i wish he would suffer more for it so maybe i've not forgiven him yet!) and when he spoke to me about it he said he knows the theory of what he should have done, in a perfect world. That doesn't excuse him, or you, because I'm sure you both knew it was wrong when you were doing it.. sneaking around, etc.

Fact is, you're not perfect, no one is. If you're honest you could have done things differently, and now there is a trail of people, yourself included, who are hurting. When my dad's affair came out my mum took total hatred towards the 'mistress'.. in her eyes it was all this woman's fault. But I've always maintained that it takes two people to have an affair. My dad (and you) couldn't help who you fell in love with.. and it seems you've both made mistakes since but it did take two people to have the affair. For that I would like to just give you a little compassion as it seems that you are the one getting all the blame.

What strikes me about your post is that it seems you feel you need to make up your mind about what to do regarding this woman, right now. I'd like to maybe throw in the equation that it may be good to take some time over this massive decision. If you truly do not love your wife anymore and both want to divorce then maybe sort through that first? I don't know how the other woman feels about you, whether she still wants to be with you etc. but in a way i think your relationship with your wife is separate from this other woman, if that makes sense? Is your relationship with your wife something you can work on (because relationships do need to be worked at).. does your wife want to work at it with you or has all trust be totally broken? And really i want to also throw in the obvious of not staying with your wife just because it's easier or whatever reason.. if you end up having children but don't truly love each other it can totally mess the child up, believe me!!

I know we're not here to give advice but my gut instinct would be to suggest you focus on you and your wife right now, whether that be to continue together or separate. Leave the other woman alone right now as she is probably going through a lot of stuff with her husband too.. if it's right at some point in the future and you still both want to get together then maybe you will..

That's just my opinion, which may well be skewed because of my own experience with affairs. Either way I hope things work out well for you.. i think it was very brave of you to write here as it may well upset some people, but at the end of the day i do think we've all done bad things in life.. it's hard sometimes to own up to them and deal with the consequences but i hope that you'll find the strength to do this.

Jenny x
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Well-Known Member
my husband cheated on me twice, and let me tell you there is no pain like it. part of me died, but we are still together and stronger than ever. im not saying that can happen for you but we do love each other and we fought for that. the first time round we had just become parents for the first time and the second time i was pregnant with our 4th child. we have been together for nearly 22 years now and as strong as ever, theres been hiccups along the way and as a family we have been through a lot but im glad we worked at our relationship. i think you need to forget this woman and decide what you want and try talk to your wife because she is the one hurting like hell right now.
you really thinking of death. why don't you check out other option first, just how possibel is it to leave town with your new love or getting a new working place, maybe apologize to the other guy promise you'll never gonna touch his wife again...
you really wanna kill yourself because you're to scared of an other guy??? now if you tell me that you already tried everything and nothing didn't work... that would be something different but you didn't, so don't do the final step without exhausting the others befor.


Staff Alumni
The blame games and guilt trips are of very little use in those kind of situation but finding ways to fix things, to be the less destructive as possible is the most sensible path. I think the advice of Jenny to sort things with your wife first and foremost is excellent. I would certainly put on the ice anything with the other woman who has plenty to sort out with her husband. True love, which is not about instant gratifications, can wait, years if necessary. Without being conscious of it, affairs are more often a way to get out of a relationship than to get into a new one. And get marriage counseling to see what can be salvaged of your couple. You're not the first one who has cheated and if every couples were throwing the towel when that happens, there would be very few precious left. Trust can be rebuild but it takes time and effort. We all get into romantic relationships being pretty naive only to realize real life don't quite work as in an Harlequin novel. For any marriage to work out, the two people need to be committed to that relationship 100%. If your heart in not in your marriage, its unfair to your wife to keep pretending you are in there with her too. She deserves to be at the center of your life, and if you cant give her that, you just take the best she has to offer while she looses many years investing emotionally into a black hole. That's even without considering that a woman biological clock tick much faster so if she wants children, that's so many years she wont have to do so. It would be hard for her, but she'll get over you. Better that than the extend and pretend game. Maybe you cant love her, but you can do still do the right thing and minimize the hardships on her. If it comes down to a divorce, at least, be decent and leave her most of the assets you both hold in common. You're the one who bailed out on her, and its bad enough as it is without her ending worst for wear financially because she believed in your marriage. Messes can be sorted out.


Owner Emeritus
I'm conflicted while reading your post. We all make mistakes, we're human and things happen. I know that. But my parents divorced when I was really young because of my father's cheating, and so it's always been a touchy subject for me.

I think Jenny gave some really solid advice, and I'd agree with it. You need to focus on your marriage right now. Whether that means working on rebuilding the love and trust you had, or getting a divorce, is something only the two of you can decide. I think that needs to be your first priority at the moment, because I'm sure the other woman has her own issues to deal with too. Nothing can change what's happened in the past, but right now your wife deserves to be put first and treated with respect.
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