I'm in crisis continuously.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by AAA3330, Mar 28, 2014.

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  1. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I'm new to the forum. I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia several years ago and did fine for years. About a year and a half ago, I got really stressed out and something changed in my brain to the point that I can barely function, and my head feels messed up all of the time, which causes me to feel suicidal all of the time. They always say that suicide is never the answer and that the pain is only temporary. That really frustrates me because I've been seeing a psychiatrist and have been on several different meds this past year and a half. I also went to the psychiatric ward at the hospital twice. Nothing has helped. Maybe for many people, their issues are a temporary thing, but in my case, I feel that I will be messed up in the head for the rest of my life. My psychiatrist thinks that it's my Schizophrenia that has progressed, but I just don't really know. I just know that something really terrible has happened to my brain. I think that my brain is probably damaged in some way due to getting stressed out a year and a half ago, but they did a CT Scan while I was at the hospital and it didn't show that there was any brain damage. I always did really well and was happy with life before this change happened. Now I feel like I want to be put into a nursing home or somewhere else where I would be safe as I'm tormented mentally continuously. Luckily I am on SSDI, as there is no way that I would be able to work with my mental state as it is. I'm still really coherent, but am tormented by confusing thoughts and my perception of reality is really messed up. At this point, I just don't know what to do. I just wish that there was some way that they could help me. Even if I were to be put into a nursing home, I don't really know where I could find anyone to help me. I just feel stuck with no place to turn. I always wish that I wasn't here anymore, but am not able to commit suicide even though I really want to. In my case, I feel like suicide is the only answer outside of living the rest of my life suffering every moment of every day.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    year really is not long hun when searching for the right combination of meds to help schizophrenia but it time i hope you and your doc can find right ones and with therapy as well CBT helps people who have schizophrenia organize their thoughts it can and does get better i have seen people get strong again and go on and lead a good life hun hugs
     
  3. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for responding. My mental condition is so bad that I just don't know what to do at this point.
     
  4. AnaNg

    AnaNg Antiquities Friend

    First of all, I want to say that I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I don't have schizophrenia but I can relate to feeling like something is permanently wrong with your brain and won't ever get better. Please know that it can get better with time and a bit of work.

    That said, I agree with total eclipse. A year isn't a long time at all for trying to find a med or combo of meds that will help your schizophrenia. I also completely agree that it might help you to talk to a therapist who specializes in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) because that kind of talk therapy focuses on helping you understand your thoughts, identify any unrealistic or distorted thoughts, and change those distorted thoughts so your thinking is based in reality and what is actually true vs what you feel is true. For schizophrenics, this is a very important thing because so much of schizophrenic thinking (from my understanding) is distorted and unrealistic. Please do this for yourself. It won't be easy, but I think you'll find that it is very helpful. CBT is the gold standard of psychotherapy for a number of mental illnesses simply because so much of mental illness is tied up in feelings and emotions which cloud our thinking and perception of reality and dictate a lot of our behaviour.

    You mentioned that you don't know where to find anyone to help you. I don't know what country you're living in, but if you're in the USA, there are a number of mental health websites available that can help you find a therapist in your area. One I've discovered recently that was helpful is Psychology Today (click the Find A Therapist link and put in your zip code to find someone near you). You might also try the NAMI website. If you're in the UK, I know there are probably resources to help you find a therapist through the NHS. Lots of the folks here at Suicide Forum are in the UK, so I know some of them could probably help you with that. I hope this helps out some. (((hugs)))

    ~Ana
     
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi AAA3330 - I can relate to you entirely, and want to assure you that there is hope. I've been through almost exactly what you describe and have found skills that provided my route to recovery. I was in the space where I could not decipher reality properly because everything seemed to be turned on its head - it would be an honour to share with you the healing process that happened for me, in the hopes that it will happen for you too. Not that we are all identical, but the mental places we can find ourselves in do have some commonality. Having said that, the big picture for everyone is though, that every space is redeemable and can be put right - it's the process of being able to see that from the inside which is our journey :)
     
  6. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the responses everyone. It means a lot to me. I've started seeing a social worker and have been talking to him every few weeks. I've been on several psyc meds, but right now my psychiatrist is trying to get me on Clozaril. They say sometimes it can work where other meds have failed. It's just so frustrating though and I don't understand how my own mind could be doing something so terrible to me. Besides not ever feeling well and feeling suicidal all of the time, I feel just terrified by my abnormal thoughts and mental state. It feels like I'm at the mercy of my own mind and I have no control over it. Before I got stressed out a few years ago, I had a really good life, so I'm really thankful for that. Again, thanks for the comments.
     
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