so, my father came back home after SWEARING (like he hasn't done that before) that he would stop cheating on my mom, change his mobile number and get help; so far, he has not done one thing to make us believe that he truly wants to be home with us. i have so many thing i'd like to put down in words, because i have no friends and i can't really talk to my mom, because everytime i feel bad and i tell her what i feel she'd be like "oh, that's nothing, that's not that important" but, even if it is not important, it still hurts me. when i was young i lived at the hospital, from surgery to surgery. I just found out (while overhearing my mom in a conversation) i had died in surgery and now i think more and more: why did they save me?? i seriously can't remember the last time i genuinely felt happy. since i practically lived at the hospital, i didn't have a normal childhood, i don't know how to argue or fight with people or even tell them how i feel, i'm so withdrawn, it's like i've been raised to be polite and respectful and quiet. i think it's all the feelings and thoughts i have stuck inside of me that make me feel like this. I have no outlet, and i feel like i'm going to explode anytime soon. i have mood swings, feel depressed and like i can't even get out of bed more frequently than i used to. i've been especially sad this week, don't even know why. i just feel like i can't get what i want, that is always going to be like this and that i'm doomed to a lifetime of sadness and sorrow. i wonder if a part of my soul died when i died at that O.R., because i sometimes feel like i have no feelings at all, i just feel empty, and i know i wasn't like that when i was young.