i'm in that dark place again

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by justastrangegirl, Apr 7, 2013.

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  1. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    so, my father came back home after SWEARING (like he hasn't done that before) that he would stop cheating on my mom, change his mobile number and get help; so far, he has not done one thing to make us believe that he truly wants to be home with us.

    i have so many thing i'd like to put down in words, because i have no friends and i can't really talk to my mom, because everytime i feel bad and i tell her what i feel she'd be like "oh, that's nothing, that's not that important" but, even if it is not important, it still hurts me.

    when i was young i lived at the hospital, from surgery to surgery. I just found out (while overhearing my mom in a conversation) i had died in surgery and now i think more and more: why did they save me?? i seriously can't remember the last time i genuinely felt happy.

    since i practically lived at the hospital, i didn't have a normal childhood, i don't know how to argue or fight with people or even tell them how i feel, i'm so withdrawn, it's like i've been raised to be polite and respectful and quiet.

    i think it's all the feelings and thoughts i have stuck inside of me that make me feel like this. I have no outlet, and i feel like i'm going to explode anytime soon.

    i have mood swings, feel depressed and like i can't even get out of bed more frequently than i used to. i've been especially sad this week, don't even know why. i just feel like i can't get what i want, that is always going to be like this and that i'm doomed to a lifetime of sadness and sorrow.

    i wonder if a part of my soul died when i died at that O.R., because i sometimes feel like i have no feelings at all, i just feel empty, and i know i wasn't like that when i was young.
  2. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    stay strong out there
  3. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    i tried to be perfect but nothing was worth it, i thought it'd be easy but no one believes me.. this place is so empty my thoughts, are so tempting, i don't know how it got so bad, sometimes is so crazy that nothing can save me, but it's the only thing that i have.

    i tried to be perfect it just wasn't worth it, nothing could ever been so wrong, it's hard to believe me, it never gets easy, i guess i knew that all along.
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    No one is perfect, please remember that.
    You have had a hard childhood, it's understandable that your social skills are rusty.
    Please continue to talk here.
  5. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    i think you should put your feelings down in words on paper and leave a letter on your mom's pillow every so often. It worked for my ex girlfriend. Maybe it'll work for you. I think after enough letters (if she continues to discard them) your mom will finally sit down and read it. This way you won't have to confront her directly if you feel uncomfortable with that now. I don't know. It isn't a fix all solution but it would be a start. I'm not really great at giving advice right now because I've given up, but I am feeling empty just like you. The only difference is I don't intend on filling that emptiness, and I can see that you would like to fill yours. Fill it with the things you enjoy doing, like listening to music or writing or painting or watching your favorite t.v show. Or talking to others. Relate to someone. Think of your soul as a cup, and while water rushes into other people's cups, drips of water fall into yours. In other words, it's going to take awhile for you to be happy. It might take months, years. It's just a sad reality of life I'm afraid, but being happy begins with wanting to be happy. As long as you want happiness for yourself, you'll always have a chance at life.

  6. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    thank you all for your replies. I'm not so sure if I want to keep trying. I feel so goddamn selfish. Everyone in my family gets upset when I'm sad or when I don't want to get out of the house, instead of trying to understand, they just get mad at me.

    I honestly think they would be better off without me, they won't even have to arrange a funeral, because no one would attend it... :(
  7. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    i have a priviledged memory, and it always bites me in the butt, because i mostly remember how my classmates made fun of me because of my appearance, and how it hurt when my dad told me that my boyfriend was with me only because of a bet. This particularly hurts me most; he's apparently moved on now, and won't even reply my texts.

    I just need to know if he felt something for me, if at least someone loved me once..
  8. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    maybe you could have a word with them and let them know how you feel and how it affects you x
  9. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    That is an awful thing for your father to say.
    I know it's hard when society puts so much importance on appearance. But those images are airbrushed and posed. Most people realise that.
    As for your classmates, they were just bullies, working out their frustrations on those they see as easy prey. I was easy prey too, I was shy, sensitive and quiet...
    Please keep talking.
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