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Im in the same boat.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by flaxam123, Jan 25, 2008.

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  1. flaxam123

    flaxam123 Member

    I found this site last night and I must say its pretty interesting. I write this with tears in my eyes, thinking about my kids that will grow up with no father and my mom that will be destroyed to find out what happened to her baby. Im sitting in my "room" a little space I built in my garage that I use for my office but its really a place to get away from everybody.

    Anyhow to make a long story short, as of today my marriage of 20+ years is over, I just found out that my kid had been experimenting with every drug known to man and my business just failed- I owe about 100k to creditors.

    I dont want to get married again or date, I am not a good role model to my kids, Im so depressed and insecure I cant talk to anyone. I dont want to start a new business or learn a new job, working for some a-hole. My wife wants to end it because I just stay at home in a bad mood all day and have no more ambition and she told me that she has grown and I have not. I have no idea how to grow, I'm a guy

    Ive been on Zoloft for about 10 years and has helped with anger but just takes all the life out of me. I gained 30 lbs and cant get motivated to save my life or marrage.

    I have no friends, interests, family life, job or hope for the future. I've disappointed every body that ive had a relationship with. Why live when all you feel is pain and you dont know how to fix it.

    My "religion" has been pretty much useless, I haven't heard from a Christian friend in about 10 years, if you don't toe the line you are invisible to them.

    I just wanted to put a few things in writing while I have a a fairly clear head. A hundred years ago people my age were usually dead :D:D. I think its time for me to go.

    I'm not going to make a big spectacle out of it, just fade away.

    "The Most Peculiar Man"
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2008
  2. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    That sucks mate. I am probably not the best person to speak with, but my father has been going through some tough times too. He and my mum recently divorced (over 20 years marriage) and he lost the 350,000 dollar house he had been paying off for over 20 years. It was a huge blow no doubt. But I love him, and I don't care how much money he has. I am 20 and my Dad is 55, he is now living in a dirty apartment. And about your son on drugs, I actually do too experiment with drugs, but my Dad always knew that. Our situations are actually somewhat comparable the more I think about it, even though I am in the role of son, and not going through the pain personally .. but my Dad, and you in the role of father are both going through bad times - broken marriage, debt etc.

    Sorry if I am not completely coherant, but if my Dad offed himself without telling me I would be devastated. And look - our relationship is quite awkward in itself. We say little, don't share anything really ... but it seems that is how it is in a lot of families these days. But still, he would want to help when if I hit rock bottom, and I would want to help him ..... No matter how bad it became. Also, fuck that debt, it is big but not worth dying over. Why not flee overseas, and try start a fresh ....

    I know it will be hard to start from scratch after years of hard work. But don't feel like a failure. There is nothing wrong with starting a new and living the simple life for a while and just seeing what happens ....
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2008
  3. forlorn

    forlorn Staff Alumni

    The simple things in life are whats best, you dont need money for them. Stop blaming yourself because your kids need a dad.
  4. flaxam123

    flaxam123 Member

    Thanks for the replys. I'm a failure at marriage, work, fatherhood, relationships - thats pretty much everything. My kids don't need a father that cant show them the right way to live and I'm to old to start over.
  5. Only1?

    Only1? Active Member

    If you look at the situation realistically though, you say you cant set a good example, and that your son is into drugs....well how will you feel if you give up and this leads to your son giving up on life too? Actually you wont feel anything as you would be out of here so I suppose you could sit back and say, hey its not my problem.

    I know you feel bad just now, but please think about the weight of what you are about to consider doing. Can you bear the thought of your son thinking the way you go is the example to follow? What if he thinks lifes not worth it after he loses you?

    You will mean more to him than you know, and your own father too. I dont think anybody shows how deeply they love on another in everyday life and if you go you will never get the chance to do so many things in the future.

    Please think twice, and feel free to pm me if you want to talk as I can let you know all about the feelings he will have if you leave and give in.

    No amount of £ can buy the love of a father. :smile:
  6. flaxam123

    flaxam123 Member

    Only1, your points are valid, however they wont know its a suicide, I will not leave my body so someone can find it. My kids need to have a positive influence in their life and i don't know how to give that to them. My wife is a good person and she will find a good person, her and the kids deserve it. Ive tried for the last 10 years and I cant fix it. My wife cant help me, my kids cant help me, the only person that can help me is me and I cant. I have no hope for the future, i don't look forward to anything. Ive lived an OK life, its time to let them go.
  7. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Now that people are living longer, it seems the quality of life is no longer there. Maybe we were better off 100 years ago.
  8. flaxam123

    flaxam123 Member

    I'm sitting at a friends grave site. He was killed in Iraq when his aircraft was shot down about a year ago. There is snow on the mountains, its raining now. I can see planes landing at LAX. People coming and going on the 57 freeway. You know what, everything we do means nothing.

    My friend is a Hero, not in the general sense that all of our soldiers are Hero's but for his actions when he was shot down he received the Silver Star. True Hero in my book. He saved another's life while giving his own.

    The thing is that the world did not benefit from his loss, but nothing cas changed, there are still murders, robberies rapes etc that are going on at this very moment and there will be until the end of time. Its human nature. Why go on living in a world that is 99% bad with no hope of it getting any better.

    I was searching for a reason to live, a way to make a difference and I can find nothing. I thought my wife loved me. I thought I could make a difference in my kids life - they want nothing to do with me, their priorities are friends, tv, clothes... they have no idea how much I love them even though I tell them all the time.

    My favorite thing was going on family vacations and showing them new things but thats over with now.

    If I cant make a positive influence in any body's life Why
    continue to live, whats the point? Every body dies, some sooner some later and it really dosent matter who or when.

    Even if you had the best life you will still die and all of those thoughts, feelings and experiences will be gone, lost forever.

    Sorry for rambling I just wanted to put a few of my last thoughts down.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome top the forum hun :hug: lynn
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I agree with you flaxam. The world has become a scary place to live. It seems like almost every week I hear about a senseless murder or some other bad news and it makes me wonder if there is any compassion left? Why should we go on living? Because the world needs good people to spread love around. There is a lot of hatred in the world, but there are good people left in it.
  11. flaxam123

    flaxam123 Member

    I'm still here. Its hard to kill yourself, knowing when to make it the LAST day of your life. I wanted to see if things get better with time, they don't. My kids are the only thing that I live for but I'm not in their lives anymore, I have no influence or connection with them. I think about suicide every day.
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