I'm in trouble.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dav, Oct 24, 2010.

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  1. dav

    dav Active Member

    Wife and love of my life for 18 years has decided to leave. I still love her, she still loves me, but while I have been happy, for years she has struggled to be happy. She believes another relationship will bring her happiness, and has started an online relationship with another guy. When he moves here in a few weeks, she will decide if they click or not, and whether a separation will occur.

    My two teenage sons have no idea, and neither does anyone else yet, because I asked her not to separate until she is sure she wants to do this.

    I am facing the loss of who I feel is the love of my life. I actually told her we would be married before we even started dating. She didn't believe it, but here we are almost 20 years together later, until now. The level of pain is overwhelming, paralyzing. I gets worse every day, like a worm eating me from the inside out. I can try to run from it, distract myself, but I can't hide. It haunts me, finds me, then overwhelms me.

    Other problems occur from this. Another man will possible have my children living with him ... my role will be marginalized. Due to draconian laws, between alimony and child support I will become poor. I want to take care of her and my children, but I don't want to help support this other man, and I need enough left that I can provide a second home for my children to want to visit.

    My wife knows secrets that might ruin my reputation. I completely trust her with it, but not this new guy who will eventually find out. She doesn't keep secrets in a relationship.

    Shingles on my forehead have been acting up, so I'm walking through a haze of pai that feels like burns.

    I fear I have not been doing well enough at work through all this and it could jeopardize my income to support my family and myself.

    About half the day I am trying to envision a life beyond all this and failing, the other half I am making detailed suicide plans based on various situations so my life insurance policy goes to my family and I am out of the picture. I think I would be remembered fondly now, rather than the inexorable distance that will grow between me and everyone I love.

    I survived an attempt 20 years ago before I met my wife and that awoke an instinct to live that has kept me safe until now. That seems to have died. It's always been my wife that I lean on. Without my wife being able to comfort me, I cannot seem to find a second to escape this mounting torture.
     
  2. privatename

    privatename Well-Known Member

    You are under an immense amount of stress. My heart is breaking for you. However try to take thing one tiny step at a time. I know its easier said that done. You are an amazing, caring man who obviously loves his family. If your wife can't see that then it is her problem. Also internet relationships rarely work out. Do not let her take all your control away. You said she is the one that will decide whether you seperate or not. If she is too dim to see your value or appreciate you, then let her go. Maybe you should be the one walking away if she has the gall to pursue another relationship while she is still married.

    Try not to fret over alimony/child support until there is a reason to. Nothing has happened yet.

    I know your pain is high. Do not let this woman rule you. You can and will do well whether she is in the picture or not. I'm sure you are stressed out beyond belief. Now you need to take care of YOU. Not anyone else, just you. You need proper sleep and diet. And make sure you drink enough fluid. When you're dehydrated your worry/stress will multiply.

    Please keep posting and vent away. I will listen.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 24, 2010
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Welcome and so glad you posted...as it was said, this is a fresh wound...this is when things hurt the most, and are most confusing...she leaving you tells us what poor taste she has...and yes, you will live without her, and probably (from the sounds of your resoucefulness) do welll...do not write the final chapter (so to say) before you write the novel...take the time to care for yourself (maybe seeking professional help) so that you do not hurt yourself over something you did not do...and please keep posting and letting us know what is going on for you...PM me if I can help in anyway...Welcome again, J
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i would be looking after you too this women obiviously has so compassion or she wouldnot be so cruel You need to start looking into getting legal advice as it she leaving you. Your children welfare as well to be looked after. She is having all the control You take some back okay you take charge now
    I am sure your children being teenagers are aware of your wife infidelity even if it is only on line. Kids are very aware
    Time for you to start thinking of you and your children okay as she is not doing this You get some therapy psychologist marriage councillling for you and get some support to help you through this okay
    YOU and your CHILDREN must come first here time to take some control back.
     
  5. dav

    dav Active Member

    Thanks for all the kind words. I am grateful there is a forum like this because I fear if I were to call a hotline the police would descend on my house. I read my words here and I'm amazed at how I seem to be a xxxsx version of myself. I can't think clearly.

    It's true that I care about my family, but I am far from perfect myself. Besides struggling with addictions to pornography, I have always been very busy with work and projects that interest me. I have tried to do better for her many times over the years, but I honestly feel maybe it isn't all me like she thinks it is. I'm not sure she knows how to be happy, after all any relationship has weaknesses. I'm almost certain she will find out her happiness isn't with this man after the novelty wears off.

    To be fair to her, she has always been 100% honest with me. She really has tried hard (and often succeeded) to make me happy for all these years. She agonizes over talking to this other guy while still around but I have been talking her into staying until she's certain. She's starting to move toward separation before they meet now, which is tearing me to pieces. She has emailed her mother about it, and is discussing what to tell my sons.

    I cannot go make this into a fight or start a legal battle, she knows secrets that would be the end of all hope for me if she hated me enough to tell them.

    All that detail and gibberish but what really matters now is sadness is more and more controlling my thoughts and actions. I am close enough all the time I wonder if I will be here to see the next day every day.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 24, 2010
  6. dav

    dav Active Member

    Tomorrow is my birthday. I have no idea why it makes any sense but for some reason it seems a fitting day to end. I guess that thought is what brought me here in a more lucid moment.
     
  7. dav

    dav Active Member

    Why is it that guys who seem otherwise decent and good people are so eager and willing to destroy a family for the sake of their own personal gratification?
     
  8. cableguy81

    cableguy81 Member

    Man you have a family and children that depend upon you. You've been posting on my issues so I thought I'd chime in over here.

    There is no truly fitting day to end. I even went online seeking easy ways out, but then found myself here. Like myself, the fact you have the will power to come here proves a part of you wants to live.

    There are times you may feel worse than you ever have, I'm there with you. Then like you told me, you have to put yourself in control. Make plans for what to do when the relationship is over. Set small daily or weekly goals for recovery, that is my plan at the moment. Simple things, like smiling at a stranger for no reason to see how they react. Or maybe go out and just stare at the moon and stares and push all your problems out into the nothingness, headphones and soothing music will help this<--no sad shit!


    If nothing else, chow down on a bunch of these and bounce off the walls in a sugar rush: :donut:
     
  9. cableguy81

    cableguy81 Member

    preach on! I personally feel that "Nice Guys Don't Finish Last, They Become Speed Bumps"
     
  10. dav

    dav Active Member

    Thanks for the encouragement. The loss is deep even if I control it, you know what I mean. I wonder what will become of my sons and I ... showing up on every other weekend, or even a lot more isn't being a father the same as being present at home. My large life insurance policy makes death seem an easier way to go, too easy even.
     
  11. cableguy81

    cableguy81 Member

    Hey wasn't meant to be a downer...

    I grew up in a family where my parents divorced when I was 6. I did have a step dad, but he just couldn't take my fathers place. If you put the effort in and see them whenever possible, even maybe fight for custody, they will appreciate that more than anything!
     
  12. dav

    dav Active Member


    Yeah a few moments alone to recover can go either way ... there are times it's the most dangerous thing in the world, times I can try to force myself to see a new future. I'm still spending almost every second I can scheming and talking and being around her to try to rescue my family. It doesn't leave too much time for such but talking this all out here has made me more sane for sure.

    I still have my plan and means and even time but I'm no longer 100% certain.
     
  13. dav

    dav Active Member

    I'll keep what you said in mind.
     
  14. sorry to be blunt but you will never get away with making your death look like an accident... they will investigate thoroughly and changes are they will realise it was suicide and your family will not get a pay out. If it is the life insurance making suicide seem like a good idea... bare that in mind. The best way to support your family is being around. At the end of the day money isn't everything. Growing up I never seen my mother because she spent all her time working to make sure we had everything... I would of prefered her time and affection rather then her money.
     
  15. privatename

    privatename Well-Known Member

    You kids will already have immense stress should your wife seperate, especially if she is with a new man. Please don't hurt yourself. Losing their father to suicide would be devastating on top of everything else. You need to be strong and around for them.

    When I was a kid my parents split up. Throughout the decision my father would threaten suicide. I grew up an emotional basket case because of it. I was on edge all the time. I never knew if I was going to find him dead at home or not. You need to be there for your children. They need to know you will be there for them during this time. And the other poster is right, no way will your insurance be doled out if you commit suicide. It will be investigated thoroughly and most likely your family will get nothing. Don't do it.

    My father wasn't around when I was a teen (too busy with his own life) and I know it has affected me in terms of how I deal with men. I'm still single and predict I always will be because of his lack of affection growing up.
     
  16. dav

    dav Active Member

    ok as far as the insurance goes ... this provider covers suicide 2 years after the policy is bought. I am still listening. What you folks are saying makes sense.

    Making sense is almost enough when I'm this clear, but I'm going to have to find better ways to deal with the pain if I'm to remain clear about it.
     
  17. dav

    dav Active Member

    Very sorry about your dad, everyone deserves to have good parents. I'm not threatening anything to anyone, and based on your experience I'll make sure to keep my mouth shut in any case. You're also making a lot of sense. :)

    But suicide or no, I may just die of a heart attack if I keep eating this sadness minute to minute. I really feel desperate.
     
  18. privatename

    privatename Well-Known Member

    I'm not saying you are outright threatening suicide to anyone in your home, but losing you will be devastating and they will be left wondering what if for the rest of their lives.

    I know you are in incredible pain and stress, I'm not minimizing that at all. Please don't hurt yourself and be there for your kids. They need you more than you think.

    I know desperation. I fight it everyday. All you can do it take it minute by minute.
     
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