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I'm in way over my head, and I don't know what to do. Please help

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Jasper_Anonymous, Apr 18, 2009.

  1. A few months ago I began a relationship with a person I love more than life itself. But now I'm not sure if it's really meant to be, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that it is. I love her with all of my heart, but more as a best friend than a lover. And even though I know she loves me unconditionally (or at least I hope so) she still wants to change a lot of things about me...even if a lot of the changes she wants would be for my own good, I feel like I am slowly losing myself, and my sanity.

    I feel like I'm living a double life almost...trying to be myself, and the person she wants me to be. I want to be completely honest with her, and I want to do anything I can to make her happy...but I feel so fake because of it. I've agreed to everything she wants, even though it doesn't feel right. I feel like the both of us are too young and immature to do all of the things we've planned. (Buying a house getting married, having a baby right away) I've tried to talk to her about this, but she says I'm just being negative. I just don't feel ready though.

    I'm only 17, I don't have a job, and I currently can't work due to health problems. Also, she lives in another country and plans to move to the US and buy a house with me next year... I just don't know how we will afford it, especially since she wants and big house, and to have a baby asap.

    I think I am going crazy... I don't know how I've let myself get in so deep. I love her so much though, and I don't want to lose her. I know I'm not ready for this though, but whenever I try to tell her that, she says something to reassure me and convince me that we are meant to be married and have children. It just feels so wrong to me, and I feel horrible and dishonest for agreeing to all of this, but I just want her to be happy.

    And as much as I love her, I have trouble trusting her and her intentions sometimes. She's admitted to using and taking advantage of me in the past, and doing things that she knew would hurt me, as well as breaking promises. I've always forgiven her completely, but still I can't forget...and those things have made it harder to trust her completely.

    I don't know what to do... Half of me just wants to get out of the relationship before I lose myself completely. But the other half is terrified of living without her.
    But more than anything, I don't want to hurt her. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt her...but I don't know any painless way to tell her I'm just not ready for all of this. I know it's all my fault for agreeing to do all these things just so she'd be happy and stay with me, but I can't keep living this way...

    What should I do? Any advice at all will be greatly appreciated... Thank you so much!
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2009
  2. Jehuty

    Jehuty Senior Member

    You should always stay yourself and not let anyone change you.
    If you change soon you won't know yourself anymore.

    And please be honest to her, if you are not ready for it yet you have to say tell her.
    If you want someone to talk to feel free to PM me anytime.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Agreed, you need to be honest with her. The things you mentioned, like her moving, buying a big house, having a baby ... those might all be realistic goals once you guys have worked for several years and have a lot of money saved. But it's not realistic now.
    Don't let anyone try to change you unless you WANT those changes. You have a right to be the person you want to be, and if she loves you, she needs to accept you for who you are, not what she wants you to be.
    And deliberately hurting you, no matter why she does it, is just wrong.
  4. Thanks.. I would love to get married start a family with her, but I'm just not ready at all. I don't feel mature enough, and there's no way either of us can afford it.
    But the thing is, she is in a huge rush to have children. She wants to start trying for a baby when I go to visit her in a few months. And she wants to have a lot of children, and she plans to be a stay at home mom.

    She has our entire lives planned, from everything to all our future children's names to the furniture and wallpaper she wants for our future house... Plans are all she ever likes to talk about lately... I don't mind it, but I'm starting to feel like maybe she loves me more for what I can do for her and the life she could have with me, more than she loves me as a person. Regardless, I am willing to do anything to make her happy. She knows that.
    She wants everything to be perfect, and I don't want her to be disappointed.

    But I really miss how she was when we were just friends. It's almost like she's a different person now too. Before, we could just talk about anything at all, and there was no stress, no worries, no rush... She accepted me completely, and didn't try to change anything about me, invade my privacy, or talk me into anything I was unsure of.
    Just talking to her made me the happiest boy in the world. It doesn't feel the same anymore... I don't know how to tell her that.

    Another thing that worries me is that I considered myself to be gay before she told me she was interested in me as more than a friend, even though she knew I was gay. At first I was a little apprehensive, since I've never really been attracted to a girl before... But I loved her, and she loved me, so I decided to give us a chance.... Both because I wanted her to be happy, and because I don't think anyone else will ever love me the way she does.
    But somehow it's come to this. I don't know how I've let all this happen.
    No matter how much I love her as a person, and no matter how much I want her to be happy, it just doesn't feel right.
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2009
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    She's made all these plans, but she hasn't thought practically. If she wants to be a stay-at-home mom, that means she's basically saying she wants you to do all the work and earn the income for your family. She shouldn't be the only one making those decisions. That's something the two of you should BOTH have a say in, not just her.

    I think you said that you're seventeen. And she wants to try for a baby in a few months? It wouldnt' be fair to bring a baby into the world when its parents can't afford to support it (and that's nothing against you, it's just that she's being unrealistic). The two of you live in separate countries, and there's no way, unless one of you is rich, that you could afford to pay for her to move and then to raise a baby.
    At this point, you have to think about what's best for you, what makes you happy. You can't think about just her. I know you don't want her to be disappointed; but you've already said you aren't ready for the things she's planning, and when it comes down to it, you need to look out for yourself.
  6. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Given the fact that you both live in seperate countries then it wouldn't really be fair to bring a child into the world when you don't even know each other or what it would be like to live together.

    I'm from the UK & not really au fait with immigration & such but I don't think they would let your girlfriend stay in the country if she doesn't plan on getting a job & has no savings, especially as you wouldn't be in a position to support her financially.

    I'm not meaning to burst your bubble or anything like that but you're only 17 so there is no rush for children & living like a grown up.
  7. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Be the man.
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    leave her. you're obviously unhappy. she's pretty much taking over your life and getting into the family/house/baby thing and you're only 17. you feel guilty. trust me i've been in a similar situation at your age and i look back and i say, 'i should have said no' but i was very lonely , didn't have anyone and incredibly suicidal so i took my ex gf in who really ruined my life. :smile: she knows it too. she was a lot like the person you describe. way too full on with her dreams about 'us' and living as a 'couple' and i just wanted was to be loved and to have just a loving relationship that listened to each other carefully and had good communication (and didn't live with me as i cannot live with anyone else apart from myself).