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Im just a bad person

Mr.notduck

Well-Known Member
#1
I am a 29 year old male.

I have had issues with suicide since around 13 when i couldn't relate easily with my classmates. I enjoyed thing that most people didn't like reading and modeling but also was athletic and played sports because my parents always made me from a young age. All of my peers at this time rejected me because I was too nerdy and goody two shoes to be a jock and to into sports and athletic to be a nerd. My strongest memories of elementary and middle school are walking around the cafeteria looking for a place to sit and just reading the not you on everyones face. I have never had a close friend untill my fiancee.

The reason that i am writing here is i am now 29 and i have only had 1 meaningful friendship in my life and she is now leaving me. I admit that I am a broken person and I have always felt the only good thing I will ever do in my life is help 1 other person.

For as long as i can remember I have had a bet with myself that I wouldn't see my 30th birthday. This unfortunately I may have made true. We have neen going through some major problems as a couple. Mostly external but now to seal the deal I dropped the most major fuck up in my entire life. I don't see her forgiving me and I don't see myself having any care to live after she is gone.

So I will start at the beginning; me and my fiancee have been together for 8+ years I have never been so enamored and captivated by a person since the moment i saw her hula hooping on a tree hidden hill behind campus. I usually cannot be friends with or stand people after about a week, I project my fears doubts and regection trauma on them and am severely sexually attracted to crazy. I thought that only someone that no one else could love was the only person that would ever love me back.

And don't get me wrong she had her issues with depression, anxiety and self worth issues, her parents and family are a mess of people that genuinely should not be together; both of her parents hate each other and have not slept in the same room for 15+ years and we hope they are cheating on each other... But i spent 5+ years slowly trying to rebuild her self esteem from where a previous boyfriend sexually abused her then used religion to call her a slut... I held her durring her anxiety attacks and told her their was nothing that would take me away from her. I often put all of my needs on the back burner to take care of her. And as she came out of her traumas I convinced her to talk to a therapist and be put on antidepressants. This is where our problems start.

When she went on lexapro about 2.5 years ago it started to kill her sex drive. But for some reason I didn't put it together and she didn't feel comfortable talking about it. So as our sex life started to die I thought it was all my fault. I thought she had stopped loving me and didn't want to be intimate with me because I did get depressed and put on about 100 pounds through what I thought was her finally rejecting me. I tried a lot of thing through this period to spice up oir sex life and there is no worse feelong than getting rejected for months on end by the person you thought you were the closest too.

So this year has been rough for us. Or best friends moved out of our house more than 1000 miles away. Then the quarantine happened before we could find any friends. Her grandfather slowly deteriorated and died while she sat in quarantine thying to see him. The first day she left her prius decided to burst into flames and deatroy all of my childhood memories and collectables in the garage. Almost killing me and our dog in my sleep. I am still having nightmares about this and don't get more than 3-5hrs sleep most nights. I then had to stay with my verbally abusive and negative mother for a week before she got back. We then stayed for another week waiting for the insurance company to figure out housing for us.

I admit that I was pretty shitty during this point to her. I was still trying to process my feelings on almost dying and losing everything and her not being there. But after about 3 days i tried to turn it around and be a support for her and keep it light to improve her spirits. I dont know if she thought i was making light of the situation or she thought it was easy for me bit she started to take her frustration out on me until we were moving into an appt from the insurance company and i melted down after she said something really mean after i was trying to say ots a staycation. I had a bit of a mental break. O don't know how long i cried or what i said but we were cuddling the next morning.

I really wanted to feel connected and loved in oly the way sex does. We hadn't been intimate in more than 3-4 months at this point. So every time I try to make a move she just shits it down hard. I even just wanted to hold her and make out for a while and she said well thats enough after about 8 mins. Then after trying to make out with her one morning she stands up and says fine we can do it tonight(she knows i cant come at night due to the anti depressants I am on). It really hurt how I seemed like a chore not a fun experience like i need sex to be. So I wrote a speach to give her. About how our sex life is dieing and i need the physical intimacy because it feels like she stopped loving me and how i lost 75 lbs and that didn't improve it, dates didn't improve it. I wanted to see her get pleasure from sex because thats what makes me happy. I wanted to take the time and learn her better.

At this point she says she hasn't masturbated in 10 months. And that her meds make it so she doesn't ever think sexually. We have a good conversation and she says she will call he doc in the morning

I wait two days, I realize that this was too soon bit at this point it was going on 5 and a half months since our last encounter... and she wouldn't let me take off her top she wouldn't make eye contact or roll over to face me. She just laid there like a corpse and pulled her parties down... I faked coming and went to the bathroom to cry.

After this I felt like she had rejected me. She knows what i need in sex is the intimacy. So I did something very stupid. I went online to an erotic role playing discord and started talking to people trying to feel like someone loved me. The funniest thing is that Im so worthless that even that community rejected me. But i came home on Thursday to see my fiancee reading all 4 days worth of sexual comments to strangers. At the time I didn't think it was cheating. Just trying to feel like someone liked me.

This was all my fault and I am in no way looking to justify what i did. It was definitely cheating. But now she is most likely leaving me and taking the dog too. It looks like somehow the 12 year old me that bet myself that I wouldn't make it to 30 being as broken as I am will win. I just don't even want to try if she leaves.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
i think her sexual intimacy issues are psycological. and what you did was wrong but at least you didn't cheat physically. i think you both need to sit down and talk. she clearly needs a therapist that can deal with her issues. if you are serious about loving her allow time if she wants to try a competent therapist. it could also be meds. so first step is for her to talk to her doctor and then possibly competent therapy. i wish you the best...mike...*hug*shake
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
Hi, welcome to SF. Thanks for sharing your story.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. You've sure got a lot on your plate.

I can relate to you and your wife's problems a lot. Depression and meds have definitely screwed with me, and like you my husband also needs the intimacy of sex. It does a number on both partners when one person is always doing the asking and one is always doing the turning down. It's been an ongoing issue for us. It only gets better with communication though. Have you guys done any couples counseling?
 

Mr.notduck

Well-Known Member
#4
Hi, welcome to SF. Thanks for sharing your story.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. You've sure got a lot on your plate.

I can relate to you and your wife's problems a lot. Depression and meds have definitely screwed with me, and like you my husband also needs the intimacy of sex. It does a number on both partners when one person is always doing the asking and one is always doing the turning down. It's been an ongoing issue for us. It only gets better with communication though. Have you guys done any couples counseling?
She finally accepted the invite i sent her for Thursday at 4pm. We were supposed to start next week, i scheduled something after our sex talk. She still hasn't called her doc about needing med changes. She promised me every day after we had the talk. It was always tomorrow. She accuses me of being super shitty to her so that she would berak up with me. Because when I talked about my past relationships with her that was something that came up. I think she thinks i was trying to break up with her. And i wasn't. I wasn't even hiding those messages on my computer because I didn't think it was cheating. I thought all i was doing was getting some cheap approval to make it through our rough patch. I never would have physically cheated on her ever. Honestly even if she cheated on me i would forgive her and be fine with it. That would be better than living without her.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#5
try to make sure that you are both honest and open with each other and of course respect each others feelings. communication and teamwork will solve this, and make sure she knows that you love her and want her to stay...mike...*hug*shake
 
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sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#6
Yeah, it sounds like you guys have a lot you need to talk out. Therapy could be really helpful for you to communicate that stuff without getting talked over or 'assumed' over.

She might be hesitating to switch meds because 1 - it's not always easy, but maybe 2 - because by this point her sex issues are probably in her head too (for real, lack of libido does a real number on a person), and it might be scary to take away the obvious physical cause and see what's left.
Maybe if you guys start to work on this stuff, and you can promise to stay patient and work *with* her she will feel more comfortable. I'm projecting obviously, but in my case there is always implied pressure even when my husband is trying hard to not actually pressure me. So when we talk more and make sure we're on the same page it helps both of us feel like we're working on it together.
 

Mr.notduck

Well-Known Member
#7
Im just worried im going to try and put time in then break her heart agian. Where Ive been is to just end it and have her sad, yes but no longer weighed down. Yes she will be sad for 6-8 months but she'll get over it. She'll find someone who is actually good at things and can financially take care of her. She would be better off if I didn't try to fix this. And I'm just running around in circles with those thoughts. There just stuck in there. Maybe i was trying to get caught because i knew she would be better off if I'm dead. I just hate myself so much right now that its been taking real effort all day not to <mod edit>. I don't know why i want to do that but its like there is a bad clip show in my head and thats the only clip from 40,000 different cameras. Its just so fucked in my head right now.
 
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1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#8
it is up to you of course. but she will blame herself for the rest of her life. if you do love her then work things out with her. how would you feel if she commited suicide now. think things through for both of you....mike....*hug*console*sadhug*shake
 

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