I always thought I would still have something to hold on to at the end of the day, to keep myself going. But I've finally reached a point I didn't think I would, where I just don't even care anymore about what used to keep me hanging on to life. When I was a kid, I was just the kid who was easily forgettable, even by their own parents. I have three older siblings, and the age gap is significantly large enough that when I was in elementary school the youngest sibling I have was already in middle school. My mother is the worst and totally sexist (her double standards for me doing housework is really the limit. I kept up with it for a while, but when I got tired of having to vacuum and mop the floor, wipe the tables and counters and wash the dishes because everyone just immediately started dirtying things the second I cleaned them, so I stopped, she immediately got on my case about how I never did housework around the house anymore, when she never tells them to do ANYTHING around the house. but that's just the icing on the cake.); whenever I'm trying to talk to her about something, anything (e.g. from the unimportant dinner I ate to an important school event I needed to ask her about), if a brother of mine interrupted the conversation simply with a topic-starter (without even asking if he could interrupt), she would immediately forget all about me and the fact that we were having a conversation and carry on with talking to my sibling. But the few times I ever tried, out of petty spite, to interrupt their conversation I got rebuffed for being rude because "I'm talking to your brother here, can't you see?" and I had to just leave quietly. I told her once I wanted to die and she started calling me selfish and scolding, SCOLDING, me for wanting to die and wasting her efforts for bringing me up. She conveniently forgets all the selfish things she does. I just want to clarify that I live in an area where apartments and residences are tiny, kind of like a typical apartment in Tokyo kind of tiny. She's a hoarder. My dad forgot me multiple times when I was a kid; setting up usernames for a family laptop had everyone's name but mine; agreeing to pick me up from tuition and then forgetting until i called him when they were about to close up in thirty minutes (note: I was 11, maybe. My school was right across the street and I was never allowed anywhere except going straight home after school. I couldn't go to my friend's house. I couldn't go anywhere. I didn't learn how to take public transport until I was in middle school). He showed me affection sometimes, but honestly just kept cracking jokes about how he should have sold me away when I was a kid, how troublesome and burdensome I was for him. My parents weren't really around for anything except for financial support. I grew up lonely. I couldn't make friends in elementary school. People I spoke to, whom I thought were my friends, deliberately left me out of group projects they formed together, things they were doing together, hanging out in general and mockingly told me I wasn't fun enough to be with. I don't blame them, honestly. Children can be cruel. I've been told consistently I have a cute face. All my relatives. Pretty much every girl I've been so much as acquaintances with have pointed it out and some have even attempted to pinch my cheeks. I have a baby face. I look really young for my age. It's not like I'm ugly. But I guess I just repel people with god knows what. Maybe it's my pungent desperation to have friends. I grew up insecure and generally afraid I would never have friends. I clung on to all the friends I managed to make out of desperation and drove them all away. In middle school it was the same thing. I always managed to make a couple of friends, but never immediately, and I always got the sense that they took pity on me. I have a friend who lives down the street and who was in my elementary school but we never talked until middle school, and had pretty much a tumultuous friendship in middle school because of our temperaments clashing and finally we settled it through mellowing out on both of our sides and called each other best friends. We both had a common best friend at that time, although she was more her best friend than mine. They stuck to each other like glue. Even now, I'm just a third wheel. We meet up often, to watch a movie, to study together, but she initiates conversation with the other friend far more often than with me even though the other friend is a lazy texter and hardly ever replies and it just hurts so much that even for the most significant friendship in my life that maybe I could be gone tomorrow and it wouldn't matter to her because she has her real best friend. I find it really, really hard to make friends. People don't really respond well to my invitations to go out together, or to do anything together, really. I made a single friend in university, but honestly I feel like I'm dying in university. I went into a course I didn't expect things for and I really regret it, but I'm already in my third year and it's just too late to switch faculties without incurring more debt than I feel I can ever take on...I feel like I have no future. Everyone around me is really brilliant; they come up with such creative and innovative ideas that I can only dream of coming up with and I can't even contribute anything useful to my group projects because everything I ever suggest is only rejected. I interpret assignments wrongly all the time and my grades aren't going to get higher because I'm so pathetic at class participation. Even if I try hard for everything else, my failure to say anything in class because everyone else suggests such genius ideas or intelligent opinions that I'm struggling just to keep up. In the meantime, i'm just slipping further and further away from the classes... I have an emotionally (and honestly sometimes physically) abusive sibling who acts charismatic in front of strangers but everyone in my family knows him to be a destructive psycho. He has a long-term girlfriend, and his sarcastic and acerbic attitude he gives us (or the rest of the family members, he and I had a major falling out three years ago, wherein for the last time I got tired of him saying to other family members right to my face that I was a "useless woman" and he apologized insincerely via text BECAUSE WHAT'S THE USE OF APOLOGIZING WHEN YOU ALWAYS DO IT AGAIN? He has a track record for doing all these things! Again and again, apologizing then doing it over and over.) has started to leak and he's started being sarcastic towards her. A leopard doesn't change its spots. Being in the same house as him makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking I'll never get to move out of here. In this cramped, squeezy space where my mother is a hoarder and it creeps onto all the areas that are supposed to be 'allocated' to me while my siblings have their own room together and I have to squeeze in with my parents (I don't live in a culture where people move out when they're 18; also, rent is unbelievably expensive here that people generally don't rent at all but save enough to buy their own place when they're married. nobody moves out until they're married). I'm desperate enough to want to work and save money to rent a place to move out even before getting married just so I can escape these people. All these things I've thought about a million times and managed to distract myself sometimes at night trying not to cry myself to sleep, but the past few weeks in school have proven to me that I just can't cut it. I just can't do it. There's no way I can graduate with good grades. Graduate with mediocre ones, maybe. And then my abusive sibling will rub it in my face and laugh and point while I'm stuck in here and can't move away until I save up money. That one friend I made in university has her own life outside of school and we never meet up except for when we're in school. We had one outing with a group of others, but never just the two of us. I don't feel like we've created a bond. I have no one to talk to. I'm so lonely. I feel all alone in this world. My boyfriend is caring and lovely and sweet, but there's only so much cheering up on his end he can do when what I'm feeling is beyond plain sadness and more to the point of starting to not even care anymore...I used to just feel sad, but want to work hard and at least try. At this point, with all the failures I've faced, only scraping by with slightly below average scores, and a slowly falling CAP, and no idea what I can possibly do in future (I'm majoring in English), at this point I can't even find the determination in myself I used to have to carry on so that one day I can achieve the things I want to do. I feel so stupid and useless. I don't have any worth to contribute to this world. I get anxious talking to people, so there's no way I can take a job that requires me to interact excessively with others for a large part of it. It'd probably accelerate my suicide. My passion was in writing. I used to tell myself that if I left this world, I would regret leaving behind all the things I never got to finish writing. I still haven't finished writing, but at this point, I don't care. It's a strange feeling to have that something that mattered enough to me for me to stay on is no longer something that matters anymore at this point. I just want to stop suffering.