I'm just barely hanging on...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fraa Erasmas, Dec 31, 2010.

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  1. Fraa Erasmas

    Fraa Erasmas Member

    Before I tell you my specific problem right now, let me give you a brief history...

    On March 26, 2010 (5 days before my birthday) I took over 3 times the lethal dosage of a prescription drug in an attempt to kill myself. It didn't work. I spent a week in the hospital.

    Just three weeks after getting out, I was hospitalized again, because they were worried I would try it again. I spent nearly two weeks in that time.

    Since then, I have felt a great deal better. And now our story begins...

    I have a girlfriend--let's call her Melissa, to keep her identity secret--who I have been with since early August. I love her more than anything in the world--indeed, more than life itself. That being said, I firmly believe in abstinence. And I mean that. I am not just saying it. Lucky me, Melissa does too! So all good so far.

    The problem is, today she and I went to my room and cuddled and kissed, when in walks my sister, her sister, and one of their friends. And let me be clear hear: we were ONLY cuddling and kissing. No sex. For real.

    So what do those little brats do? They rush upstairs to tell my Mom and of course call and tell her Dad that we were downstairs feeling each other up and taking our clothes off--WHICH IS NOT TRUE.

    Now, I don't have the slightest care for what those kids think. I do, on the other hand, care that our parents are trying to separate us because they believe every word the little brats say.

    Also, I should mention that Melissa's parents are hardcore Christian Conservatives, and for months they did not want us together because I happen to be a Deist. I am, however, a hardcore Conservative (that's actually how we met; she came to a political group I started at my school and I worked on her Dad's campaign). The point is, they already didn't really want us together, even though they love me.

    So now I am on the brink. It seems to me that if every single thing we do is going to be blown out of proportion, lied about, twisted, and then spread around (they have done similar things with different situations, so it's not like this was a one-time thing), it is hard for me to feel a desire to live.

    Liars and fools will always have their way, and the rest of us will always pay the price. For that, this life is null. But at least "the rest of us" can sleep at night knowing we are not liars and fools. For that, it is a wonderful life to live.

    The problem is, I don't feel like the wonderful part outweighs the awful part anymore. I want to stand by my girl no matter what, never leaving her side and seeing it through until we are both dead from natural causes... But... It's so hard to stand up when the rest of the world is trying to push you down.

    I want to stay with her. I don't want to stay with the rest of the world. I mean, there are a few other individuals who I love--especially my grandparents--but it is a different kind of love. With them it is more like, "I love you and I want the best for you. I want you to always be around to guide me through life." But with Melissa, it's "I love you, you mean everything to me, and without you, I would not be alive today." She has, after all, saved my life before.

    Finally (you must be getting tired of this), I should say that my grandfather has stood by Melissa and I throughout our entire fight against a few hostile family members. I never met my Dad, but Granddad has always been there for me--I even grew up calling him, "Dad."

    So... I am hanging by a thread, and I can see it stretching to a limit--if something doesn't change soon, I just don't know if it can hold my ever-increasing weight.

    I have cried so much it hurts.

    And that's my story.

    Please help. Please?
  2. DMOS

    DMOS Member

    I don't know that this will help, but I am going to try and help you bring your life back to perspective. You have beautiful girl who loves you. If I knew nothing else about you, that would be enough. It shows that you are a kind, loving person. I know what it's like to feel that no one listens or believes in you, to feel that you're constantly being put down. However, I also know the feeling of simply saying "F*** Them!" You have someone who loves you more than anything! If you love Melissa the way I think you do, I truly believe that you would never be able to bring yourself to leave her or hurt her in any way. It is the hardest thing a person can ever be asked to do, and it's never easy, but sometimes you have to just fight through the negative people in your life and keep those positive people at the forefront. You ARE loved and things WILL be okay. Just stay strong for Melissa, because your love sounds like a once in a lifetime feeling. It's not worth losing so young.
  3. Fraa Erasmas

    Fraa Erasmas Member

    Thank you. It is that line of thought that is keeping me here.

    But at the same time, I feel like I am not good enough for her in the first place. :( I have never been very fond of myself...
  4. DMOS

    DMOS Member

    Just by being there and having people who love you shows that you ARE good enough. Keep your head up, and don't be afraid to look to other people for help. Sometimes you really just can't do it alone, and there's no shame in that!
  5. Fraa Erasmas

    Fraa Erasmas Member

    But what do I do about everyone else? It is not as if I can just ignore them. They are our parents and legal guardians. We are both 16. They essentially have total authority.
  6. DMOS

    DMOS Member

    I truly believe that whoever came up with the idea that you need to ignore your problems was setting us all up for disaster, so you're absolutely right that you can't ignore them. Have you tried sitting down with them and expressing your true feelings? It sounds optimistic, but it can work. It also may help that you do have an adult, your grandfather, on your side. Parents can sometimes just see us as silly children, and forget that they went through the same things as us at some point. Using your grandfather as help may get them to realize that maybe they aren't right in this situation.
  7. Fraa Erasmas

    Fraa Erasmas Member

    I actually did sit down and talk with your Dad, and after that he let us be together. But I have not talked to him after everything happened today... I am hoping to talk to him again soon (we were planning on talking soon anyways, so it's nothing new), and maybe he will understand.
  8. DMOS

    DMOS Member

    He seems to truly like you, so I think that once he hears you out and sees how much you care for his daughter, things will get better. Just hang on! If things do get worse, we're all her for you.
  9. Fraa Erasmas

    Fraa Erasmas Member

    Okay, thank you. It helps a lot.
  10. DMOS

    DMOS Member

    I'm happy it helped! Feel free to message me anytime you need some support.
  11. Fraa Erasmas

    Fraa Erasmas Member

    Okay, thanks again.
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