I'm just exhausted

[Juella]

Hey, everyone. Sorry for posting it, I just wanted to talk to someone before I do something.

Nothing tragic happened to me. I am just completely exhausted by living. I work two jobs, about 80 hours a week. The money I make cover rent, medications and food - and not even any food I want. I don't make enough to stop worrying about money. I am not good at anything and I have no time and energy to get good at anything, so it is not likely to change, no one is going to offer me a higher-paid job, and I will never be able to do what everyone does to make money (namely work abroad) because I am permanently disabled. I spend all my time either working, doing chores or sleeping, I have maybe 1-2 hours of free time per week. I have no loved ones and honestly no desire to interact with other human beings, socializing just wears me out further when I am already so tired. I don't like either one of my two jobs - I don't hate them, but I don't see them as anything but a constant source of stress. And I ask this question more and more as the time passes - why am I doing all of this? What is the point? I have no ambitions, desires or dreams, and even if I did - nothing is going to change, I have no time for anything but working in my life, just to make enough money to survive. What is the point of surviving like this?

Judge me all you want, but I am nor kind neither selfless. I don't want to live to help and serve others. I feel nothing about helping others except more of the same thing I always feel - tiredness. I am also not religious or spiritual, I don't believe there is any higher power or purpose to my life.

I am so tired it hurts. Absolutely nothing happens to me other than a variety of petty, mundane problems. And I daydream about dying all the time. Just going to sleep and never waking up, so I can finally rest, because I never feel rested. I think I am at the point when I'm about to really do it. And I can't find a good reason why I shouldn't. Is there something I don't see, or is it really all there is?

 

[MosesY]

I believe each person has to find their own purpose in life. There is purpose in your life, you just have to find it. I work 50-60 hours per week and I am dragged down by that much, I can't imagine working 80. I empathize with you. Actually your post resonates within me, something about it makes me feel like I understand. It is well written and expresses your emotions perfectly. I believe that without spirituality it would be hard to find purpose in life, unless of course you enjoy serving others. You say that you don't enjoy that. You definitely are a part of your coworker's lives, part of their routine, they would miss you if you were gone, think about that. It is too bad you don't have a love in your life, someone that would hug you when you get home and help with the bills. I wonder if you could find someone like that? I am hoping you find purpose in life, maybe someone will be along that is more helpful than I am with this and you can feel better.

 

[may71]

Hugs Juella

And I can't find a good reason why I shouldn't

With the amount of work you have to do just to survive while you are disabled, and having no family or social support, it's understandable that you feel the way you do. A very small portion of how you are feeling now may be seasonal, a lot of people get especially depressed at this time of year. That means if you can wait a few months, you'll probably at least feel slightly better. I don't know if that will be enough to make you want to live, but you may have a different perspective.

I am also not religious or spiritual, I don't believe there is any higher power or purpose to my life.

From your perspective, once you die, you'll be dead forever. Forever is a long time. It's such a big decision, it's probably worth waiting as long as you can to make sure that you're really certain you're making the right decision.

 

[Livelife]

 

[Anonymous ID]

Could you get housemates to help pay rent. You don't have to socialise with them it would just get you a bit more money. I can't imagine working that much with nothing to look forward to and no support. You have been strong to make it this far

 

[foreverforgotten]

Same....