I'm just fucked up in this world. i don't belong anywhere..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Entity, Oct 22, 2009.

  1. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    I can't fit in and be normal... i can't be a normal happy girl. :( i want that so bad but i don't at the same time. i don't even care about being better anymore. i've officially lost interest in everything in life except one girl.. and i love her to death and beyond.. but recently even that is being taken away from me.. this may be my sign. maybe the death time is nearer than i thought. maybe i don't wait till my birthday.. maybe my everything will leave me before then and then i shall die and spend the rest of eternity in spirit with my beautiful baby girl.. i love you babe.. so much.. and i'm sorry for how i am.. i am really truly sorry you have to put up with so much shit..and how much i've hurt you..i'm so sorry. But it doesn't even matter in this world. it's a game to me really. it's like playing a game of life. you are born you learn things you change the world in a tiny little impact and then you die and everyone forgets you. so why can't i die earlier? it's just a game it's not like any of this really matters in the grand scheme of things. idk maybe it's just me that thinks this way. i don't really care anymore. I miss my angel.. and idk if she misses me or not honestly.. i hardly ever talk to her anymore and it's killing me.. but it doesn't seem to be really affecting her.. maybe i'm just that fucked up.. maybe i need to make my plans sooner.. i don't know what to do anymore.. i want the pain of living to go away and i know of one way to make that happen.. everything hurts :cry: i don't know what else to do :cry: and i'm sitting here outside and i've been crying hysterically for hours on end i feel so pathetic.. and i don't even have anyone to talk to.. everyones left me and they aren't even important what is important is my everything..my baby girl.. my best friend..and maybe she's just happier without me.. at least she'll be happy.. goodbye.. idk what this letter means.. but i'm suicidal and i have no one to talk me out of it.. and i want it so bad :cry: i'll probably see you all again.. if i attempt i will most likely fail. but if i get lucky and i succeed take care everyone and thank you for everything you've done for me :) byebye
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey sorry your in so much pain Look at your baby girl don't think for one moment anyone will love her more than you. Don't do that to her she will bring you many days of joy and happiness. Can you call a church in your community to see what support they have for single moms Is there meet up groups
    You are not alone now you have us here please if you feel so low just call Good Samaratin they will just talk to you maybe give you some connections to help you get out more. call crisis line but don't leave your baby girl she loves you and will know it is not you holding her. Please stay strong keep talking to us keep venting the pain away we care. Take baby for a walk fresh air exercise always helps me when i am down stay strong.
     
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Call crisis right away. You need their help now.

    :hug:
     
  4. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    i promise you are not fucked up.

    sometimes people just get busy. i'm sure that this girl never wanted to be away from you. i'm sure she missed you. but i know that when it came down at the end of the night she came home to you and thats it.

    everything will work out, i promise.
     
  5. JonathanK

    JonathanK Well-Known Member

    You can find beauty in this world. Its worth sticking around for. There's new people that you can get to know and healthy ways of finding fulfilment you haven't found yet. Maybe the situation with your friend is as bad as it seems. Maybe it isn't. If it is, there's other people. Something may have just come up. I was bummed that my friend from Oklahoma wasn't online for an extensive period of time but found out he lost his apartment. I don't know the situation, but know there are people that appreciate you being around. Hang in there.
     
  6. JonathanK

    JonathanK Well-Known Member

    I don't know the whole situation, but it sounds like you may have a fear of rejection. You need to stop being dependent on other people's approval if that's the case. Not only does it attract bad people that'll take advantage of you in this vulnerable state, but you're not living life for yourself. A lof of people don't understand the phobia, and they may very well be good people but may distance their selves because of lack of comfort I've found.

    Everyone deserves a certain freedom of mind. Not everyone has that freedom, though, because some people have bad childhoods, bad parents, bad experiences, etc, that have made them dependent on others. I don't want you to leave. My friend killed himself for similar reasons, and it sucks. I'm sure there are people that care about you and will miss you if you did leave.

    There was one guy at the campus that said, "I don't really care that he died. I think its funny that he killed himself", and needless to say, this person has some serious issues. Most people, though, were deeply saddened by his departure. About 100 people showed up to his candle light vigile. There will be people that will miss you and who really do enjoy your presence. Don't resort to self harm. Learn to find a genuine, non-conceeded, healthy love of yourself and others.

    Also realize that you can't please everyone and there's other people in this world who are jerks that you don't want to bother pleasing. Your friend might not be a jerk at all.
    Like I said, I don't know the situation. I'm just saying, look at all the angles. She may just be going through something. My brother in law was offline for over a month, and I found out later that it was shut off because of financial trouble.
     
  7. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    Don't go, we all care about you here.
     
  8. HiddenTears

    HiddenTears Well-Known Member

    I can't tell you how much alike we are.

    I hope you find a little comfort in the fact that you are not alone, but I'm sorry I can't take your pain away. I would if I could. I know I am not as good as a real life friend but I'm here if you want to talk.