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im just hopeless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by corang, Apr 11, 2009.

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  1. corang

    corang Well-Known Member

    All I seem to be able to do is bring down everyone around me. I'm not getting any better with medications, support, therapy any of it. Just got out of the hospital Monday, all it did was make me very angry being locked in a small room for 3 days being threatened by social workers about being sent 4 hours away.

    I dont work or get any source of income. I just see doctors and therapists nonstop wasting money. (mostly against my will) Im very frustrated searching for the right medications that everyone keeps saying we'll find.

    All day my mind is racing with thoughts of how i can kill myself. It wanders from anything to that. I can only take so much emotional pain and this is way too much. I have reasons to live but the pain keeps overwhelming me.
  2. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    What is causing your suicidal ideation? Are you close to your family? PM me, we can talk.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Do you know what's causing you so much pain?
  4. corang

    corang Well-Known Member

    Best i can figure its just depression. I have no reason to be depressed everythings fine. Never been abused never had problems with bullying. I got along with almost everyone in school (before i quit).

    Thanks for the responses.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Depression can suck like that. Sometimes there are reasons for it, but other times it's just there, and you can't figure out why.

    Does anything help? Like venting, or trying to distract yourself in some way, or just talking to people? Anything take the pain away, even temporarily?
  6. corang

    corang Well-Known Member

    Ya my depression seems to come from nowhere. Been suicidal about 7 years depressed about 9. Im only 17 so no idea where it came from just know what it didnt come from.

    Some stuff helps on and off ... usually off. I walked for a while then that doesnt really help anymore. Talking does sometimes like i said on and off. I vented myself out. Not much left to say/vent its all out and all that did was bring my parents down. Which made me feel worse.

    I used to distract myself with World of Warcraft but playing that 10 hours a day was A: unhealthy and B: i got bored of it after like a year of doing that
  7. corang

    corang Well-Known Member

    Well I dont have enough reason to live through this much pain. I have 1 friend keeping me going but the guilt trips are starting to get old. No one can think of a good enough reason to live exept guilt tripping me (which is now having an opposite effect.)

    My family is feeling shitty now from all my depression and suicidal thoughts. Ive emotionally drained everyone close to me. They wont give up trying though through their pain (caused by me) and my pain (which is too much now). It seems theres only one way this will end its just a matter of when it will end.

    I see no point in extending the pain of everyone involved. Thank you to everyone who has tried to support me or even just read about my struggles.
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    The whole guilt trip thing sucks. I'm sure they probably aren't doing it to make you feel worse; they're probably just trying to help and maybe don't know how.
  9. corang

    corang Well-Known Member

    Shes desperate to keep me going and this is her try. But its still so much pain without them they arent the main reason im doing this. Its all the failed medications im tired of taking the emotional pain and the fact that no amount of support from anyone has helped.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Do you know what meds you've tried? There are tons of different ones out there, but I think there are different categories of antidepressants too, and sometimes doctors keep trying the same meds out of one category instead of trying another one.
  11. corang

    corang Well-Known Member

    i tried zoloft wellbutrin abilify seroquel lexapro none of which helped. With so many failures i honestly got pissed and depressed. I know a lot of people have tried more and eventually found something that works but i dont want to deal with the constant changes. I have to say im just depressed not suicidal to everyone to keep myself out of the hospitals (which in my case sort of made me worse).

    Therapy has never been something i was into but ive tried it. I was open honest and my first therapist made me worse. My current therapist is on vacation and just said the same thing the few times i saw her. My family wont admit it but i know theyre getting sick of me being the way i am nonstop.

    They want to help but dont know what to do (and i really dont know either anymore). I know im rambling on now sorry. (thanks for the posts btw)
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's okay, ramble as much as you want to!!

    It would get seriously frustrating having to try so many different meds. Have they all been prescribed by the same doctor? One idea might be to switch doctors; a new one might have a different approach and maybe some ideas for meds that would actually work. I know a lot of people who are depressed have to take a combination of meds.

    Hopefully your family realizes it's not your fault, that you're not choosing to be this way.
  13. corang

    corang Well-Known Member

    I just recently got a new doctor and hes tried a few differant things so hes good but we just havent found the right combination. Im still on lexapro wellbutrin and seroquel but like i said theyre useless.

    They know it isnt my fault im this way but i always feel like im just bringing them down by being here. I know that itd be horrible on them if i did it but then theyd only have to deal with 1 huge emotional thing not a hard emotional thing for months or years. They can start healing (if they arent hypocrital) and get themselves help and start to recover since i seem to be unable to.

    Its not just antidepressants its the person who has to feel better on their own too. I just dont have the energy or will to get better anymore im spiralling downward and not fighting it anymore. The pain is more than my will can take so i gave up.

    Ive got a great plan thats easy and accessable any time im at home. (which is 99% of my day.) Im just waiting till i give up that last bit of hope to do it. Ive gotten past the fear of death thats not holding me back anymore. I feel like a lost cause since i cant fight the depression anymore.
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not a lost cause though. I know you want the pain to stop; but you've reached out, so there's still part of you that's willing to fight.

    Losing someone to suicide isn't something your family could just get over. (And I'm seriously not saying that to make you feel bad; I've lost people close to me because of suicide, and it's one of the hardest things to deal with).

    I hope you can find the strength to keep holding on. Just take it day by day. Hour by hour if you have to.
  15. corang

    corang Well-Known Member

    I know that my family wont be able to just get over it (and i know your not guilt tripping me) but id imagine the pain being less overall with it than the huge amounts i cause every day.

    I have been trying to take it day by day since last year about late august. Thats when i got suicidal again and made 2 attempts since then. lucky for people around me im too pathedic to do it those 2 ways so im going to a third sureproof plan. But taking it day by day has been pretty hard i try to live in the moment and expect good things in the future.

    The little hope im holding onto now is worn and starting to fade since its over a half year old. Things will never be the same for my family with me gone. (some of the reason im here) Im expected to do things ... simple things like get a job live my life because very few people know about my suicidal thoughts. I know im not but i feel like im letting everyone down that doesnt know.

    I was always someone that everyone expected to achieve great things (not pressure just expect because i pushed myself so hard) Nobody knew i was even depressed till a year and a half ago. I got caught planning my suicide and suddenly everyone realized i had inner turmoil for half my young life.
  16. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not letting anyone down. There are too many people out there who wouldn't understand even if you explained how you felt. But I'm glad you're still alive, and that you're posting here. At least you're talking to people, and you're still hanging on to that hope, even if it's worn.
  17. corang

    corang Well-Known Member

    Idk how long the hope is gunna last i know everyone wants whats best for me but it feels like emotional torture. I feel like a broken record talking about how much pain im in. Every second makes it worse. At night i always get so much worse. Every night i expect it to be my last it gets so bad.

    My mind races about only suicide for hours. I cant get it off my mind anymore. Its like my mind is totally against me and my body follows along, usually everything hurts but i dont get anything anymore because apparently taking tylenol (regular doses every 4-6 hours not abusing) makes me a pill popper and i no longer get any.

    The emotional pain is spilling over to physical pain (thats very distracting and keeps me from doing some things.) My family never accepts how much i hate my life and body (body for the pain). They just dont want to believe im telling the truth when i say it. Its just too hard for them to accept.
  18. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not a broken record. When you're in pain (both physical and emotional), it's hard to focus on anything else. So it seems natural to talk about it. Sometimes it helps a little just to vent.

    What's causing you so much physical pain? It seems stupid that people would call you a pill popper for using Tylenol the right way. Can they give you anything stronger to lessen the pain though?
  19. corang

    corang Well-Known Member

    It isnt much pain but its still there. I had done some Rx painkillers once (werent mine btw) so no1 wants to help me with that at all. To everyone im just a druggy so no help there. And its my paranoid overprotective mother who calls me a pill popper.

    The pain is just there ... for no reason i assume its just from depression (assuming commercials about depression saying its also physical is true). But ya thats the best explanation since ive always had this pain. Theres nothing medically wrong with me that would cause this.
  20. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Even if it's not a lot of pain, the fact that it's there at all would be annoying.

    I'm pretty sure the commercials about depression causing physical symptoms is true. So it probably could be the depression causing the pain. Did it go away when you did take Tylenol?
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