i'm just letting it all out

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i am writing this now cause i'm just not sure how i am going to make it through the next few months. i know this seems like a long time to project through, but my reasons are valid i assure you.

beginning last month and continuing through jan. there are some particularly painful anniversaries that are here and approaching for me. those in combination with the fact that the holidays (like for so many others) are especially brutal to me also i don't think i am going to fair to well through this. last year the end result of the combination landed me in the hospital for four months. i mean this gets bad.

last month was the anniversary of an attack that happened to me two years ago. as a result of that attack i became pregnant which i found out about that october. the end result there i had to give that part of me, a child, up for adoption. that right there almost killed me in and of its self. i was adopted and never wanted to do that with any child i had, or so that was the original plan anyways. i know this is very painful for a mother to do, but something about this for me was as traumatizing as anything had ever been for me. it was horrible to have to do that to say the least.

at the beginning of dec. is when my daughter shared with me about what had happened to her. which has released the wolves on me as far as my mental and emotional state is concerned. i'm not dealing well at all with this. this i posted about in rape and abuse forum so i'm not going into great detail about this here. just suffice to say here. i still can't handle this one.

then come jan. is when my best friend killed herself. hell my best friend and my only true friend. she was in a crisis center when she did it too. i miss her something terrible. sinse she has been gone i have had no one. she was a true friend indeed. i really feel like i let her down big time. that and her sister didn't like me so i know she was always rippin' on me to her. i don't know maybe she was right, her sis that is, i was just a shit friend. hell i tried to reach out to her. i felt something was instinctively wrong that week but she never returned my calls. i'll shut up about this now.

the holidays are hard. i know they are for most people. i don't want to minimize that for them, but for me it is an especially lonely time cause i have no family as in parents and such to spend it with. my family told me to stay away from them. i think that is mostly cause they don't get me and my illnesses. i don't know it doesn't matter anymore cause they are all gone.

i just am not sure how i am going to make it through this, this year anyways. i know it's one day at a time. i know i have to keep breathin'. yada yada yada but it really is going to take alot more than this cause it just tears me up and rips me apart.

i'm sorry to unload this on ya. i guess i just felt like i needed to vent. and if i seem down if i should ever come across ya maybe you'll understand now why that is. i just don't know that i am going to make it through this. it is just way too painful. anyways..i'll let you go now. thanx for listening
Hey rhino,
It sure sounds like you've got a lot of stuff to go through these next through months but don't be sorry for venting, infact, I hope that you will vent and talk to us throughout these next few months in particular and let us be there for you. I am only a PM away. :hug:

I'm going to break up your post in sections but I hope I'll make some sense.

You went through a very rough time 2 years ago and it was even worse that you ended up pregnant. I think it's important to think of it in this way.. You were traumatised after that ordeal and the fact that you become pregnant made it much worse. There's many women out there who have been in your situation and I cannot even begin to imagine how it must feel to become pregnant via an attack. As difficult was it was, I think it is understandable that you gave the baby up for adoption. There are some rape victims who keep the child but then there's others who don't because the baby will not heal the pain in any way. It was probably beneficial to both you and the baby in the long run... I mean, If you kept the baby, there was a chance that you may have ended up hating the child because of the way it was concieved, or, you may have loved the child but whenever you looked at her, you'd be reminded of what happened to you. If you kept the child then like I said earlier, you may have hated her, or felt negatively towards her and at the end of the day, that's not good for a child's upbringing.. I hope I'm not coming across as a nasty person, I'm just trying to say giving the child up for adoption may have been the best solution for both of you. I can imagine it's difficult for you, especially seeing as the anniversary is coming up but you can get though this difficult time, are you in counselling of some sort?

I have just read the thread about your daughter.. I will reply to that thread after I've replied to this.

I can understand how it feels to lost someone you love and cared for dearly. I can also understand the thinking of "what if's" and blaming yourself for things you did, or should have done but didn't before they died. It can be torture and instead of healing the pain it only increases it. From what you said I don't think you were a shit friend - far from it. It sounds like she was going through a very difficult time and you were reaching out to her - like friends do. Good friends DO reach out to people and it's unfortunate that she didn't grab your hand and let you help her pull her out of the darkness but when people are depressed, they can feel like they don't want to let anyone in. You were not a shit friend at all. You did all you could, you offered her support which counts a lot when someone is in a dark situation and I'm sure that she was grateful for it, more than you probably realise right now.

It goes without saying these next few months will be difficult, but like I said in the beginning of the post - we're here for you, and you can also PM me if you'd like to chat anytime. Take care of yourself. :hug:
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