i am writing this now cause i'm just not sure how i am going to make it through the next few months. i know this seems like a long time to project through, but my reasons are valid i assure you.
beginning last month and continuing through jan. there are some particularly painful anniversaries that are here and approaching for me. those in combination with the fact that the holidays (like for so many others) are especially brutal to me also i don't think i am going to fair to well through this. last year the end result of the combination landed me in the hospital for four months. i mean this gets bad.
last month was the anniversary of an attack that happened to me two years ago. as a result of that attack i became pregnant which i found out about that october. the end result there i had to give that part of me, a child, up for adoption. that right there almost killed me in and of its self. i was adopted and never wanted to do that with any child i had, or so that was the original plan anyways. i know this is very painful for a mother to do, but something about this for me was as traumatizing as anything had ever been for me. it was horrible to have to do that to say the least.
at the beginning of dec. is when my daughter shared with me about what had happened to her. which has released the wolves on me as far as my mental and emotional state is concerned. i'm not dealing well at all with this. this i posted about in rape and abuse forum so i'm not going into great detail about this here. just suffice to say here. i still can't handle this one.
then come jan. is when my best friend killed herself. hell my best friend and my only true friend. she was in a crisis center when she did it too. i miss her something terrible. sinse she has been gone i have had no one. she was a true friend indeed. i really feel like i let her down big time. that and her sister didn't like me so i know she was always rippin' on me to her. i don't know maybe she was right, her sis that is, i was just a shit friend. hell i tried to reach out to her. i felt something was instinctively wrong that week but she never returned my calls. i'll shut up about this now.
the holidays are hard. i know they are for most people. i don't want to minimize that for them, but for me it is an especially lonely time cause i have no family as in parents and such to spend it with. my family told me to stay away from them. i think that is mostly cause they don't get me and my illnesses. i don't know it doesn't matter anymore cause they are all gone.
i just am not sure how i am going to make it through this, this year anyways. i know it's one day at a time. i know i have to keep breathin'. yada yada yada but it really is going to take alot more than this cause it just tears me up and rips me apart.
i'm sorry to unload this on ya. i guess i just felt like i needed to vent. and if i seem down if i should ever come across ya maybe you'll understand now why that is. i just don't know that i am going to make it through this. it is just way too painful. anyways..i'll let you go now. thanx for listening
beginning last month and continuing through jan. there are some particularly painful anniversaries that are here and approaching for me. those in combination with the fact that the holidays (like for so many others) are especially brutal to me also i don't think i am going to fair to well through this. last year the end result of the combination landed me in the hospital for four months. i mean this gets bad.
last month was the anniversary of an attack that happened to me two years ago. as a result of that attack i became pregnant which i found out about that october. the end result there i had to give that part of me, a child, up for adoption. that right there almost killed me in and of its self. i was adopted and never wanted to do that with any child i had, or so that was the original plan anyways. i know this is very painful for a mother to do, but something about this for me was as traumatizing as anything had ever been for me. it was horrible to have to do that to say the least.
at the beginning of dec. is when my daughter shared with me about what had happened to her. which has released the wolves on me as far as my mental and emotional state is concerned. i'm not dealing well at all with this. this i posted about in rape and abuse forum so i'm not going into great detail about this here. just suffice to say here. i still can't handle this one.
then come jan. is when my best friend killed herself. hell my best friend and my only true friend. she was in a crisis center when she did it too. i miss her something terrible. sinse she has been gone i have had no one. she was a true friend indeed. i really feel like i let her down big time. that and her sister didn't like me so i know she was always rippin' on me to her. i don't know maybe she was right, her sis that is, i was just a shit friend. hell i tried to reach out to her. i felt something was instinctively wrong that week but she never returned my calls. i'll shut up about this now.
the holidays are hard. i know they are for most people. i don't want to minimize that for them, but for me it is an especially lonely time cause i have no family as in parents and such to spend it with. my family told me to stay away from them. i think that is mostly cause they don't get me and my illnesses. i don't know it doesn't matter anymore cause they are all gone.
i just am not sure how i am going to make it through this, this year anyways. i know it's one day at a time. i know i have to keep breathin'. yada yada yada but it really is going to take alot more than this cause it just tears me up and rips me apart.
i'm sorry to unload this on ya. i guess i just felt like i needed to vent. and if i seem down if i should ever come across ya maybe you'll understand now why that is. i just don't know that i am going to make it through this. it is just way too painful. anyways..i'll let you go now. thanx for listening