If you met me then you would think that I was probably a generally happy person, quiet but happy. Two nights ago I was locked in my room screaming into my pillow crying telling myself that "I'm tired of living" and "I want to be dead". My brother was in a bad mood that night and when he is he takes it on me by putting me down, seeing me sad makes him happy and it brought back the high school memories while I was being bullied. I feel disgusting and ugly. I was bullied in high school by my classmates and they would play games like 'whose brave enough to touch the monster game'. I never did anything to them I was quiet. When I tell people this they say it's my fault you probably were acting snobbish and that's why they were mean to you. I remember one time this random younger kid went up to me and said 'my friend was wondering if you've every been in a accident before because you look terrible' AND SHE WAS BEING SERIOUS. SHE WASN'T LAUGHING OR ANYTHING. I don't feel young and I also feel that I'm wasting my youth. I'm jealous of my younger cousins because my relatives treat them better. When I was five my relatives would say things like 'your not a kid anymore stop buying toys' ' stop asking stupid questions' ' you should act like a lady' 'your not a kid' ' you can't even read how you suppose to enter that school your not smart enough?' Not only my brother but many other people try to make themselves feel better by making me feel bad. Like my best friend she just keeps hitting my self esteem and that twisted smile on her face disgust me. She says bad things about me two inches from my face and acts like I'm fucking retarted and can't hear her. And THE WORDS SHE USES GARRR "you bitch no wonder everyone hates you" she said that because I didn't buy her a fucking doughnut! She happy when I'm in pain. I can't get rid of her because she's the only friend I have. She understands me very wellI have fantasies of killing her. Tying her up and cutting her fingers. If she doesn't eat her fingers then I'll slit her throat. My family wants me to be a nurse. I don't want to be. Just because I'm filipino people think I can do it. Make sense because I'm not good at anything. Yeah your filipino I'm filipino too our kind are good nurses.blah blah... DON'T COMPARE ME TO YOU! I hate it. Oh yeah and I told my best friend that I had a panic attack and she basically called me weak. She probably thought that I had a too much homework and couldn't deal with it. YOU DON'T HAVE A PANIC ATTACK FOR SHITTY REASONS LIKE THAT! She has no fucking idea what's going on with me and it hurts because she was there when I was in the most pain.I'm shaking while typing this. I got mad one time and my dad got mad at me. When I'm mad he makes it all about him thats why I scream in cry in private. When I was younger and I would feel sad or cry he would hit me. I just don't want to live anymore.