I'm just so out of it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tavi6233, Sep 28, 2010.

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  1. Tavi6233

    Tavi6233 Member

    Well I haven't posted since August, and truthfully, I had been feeling better. My psychiatrist had put my on Pristique when my depression was starting then, then for a few weeks i started to feel better.

    Now since Saturday, I have felt so depressed, all I think about is how much I want to die. I have been cutting more, trying to take that feeling away, but I was up most of last night just crying and holding a razor to my wrist. I just feel so lost right now, nothing feels right. The whole thing is, I DONT want to die, but I just feel like living is causing me pain, I just want to forget about the pain and give in to these feelings.

    Last Wednesday my Psychiatrist started me on Xanax, it's only .5mg-2mg as needed, i have never went over 2mg in a day, usually i will take 1mg a day. Yesterday I made a point not to touch it thinking it might be responsible for these feelings, but I still feel this way.

    I feel like I want to tell someone, but I'm afraid that they will over react and send me back to a psych hospital. I haven't tried to kill myself since March, and considering at that point I had been in and out of psych wards every month for a year at that point, I just don't want to go backwards. My therapist set it up so that I see a community support team, which I have been seeing since May, but the government just keeps cutting there hours, and I don't want to waste there time with my problems.

    I'm sorry if this is more of a rant, I'm just so exhausted, and feel like I need to say something to someone.

    Right now my heart just won't stop racing, my mind keeps racing, my arms are sore from twisting and turning during the hours when I was trying to sleep, and I just feel so alone because I'm afraid to tell anyone. I can't speak to my family because everyone else in my house has there own issues. Part of me is saying just grow up, if you want to kill yourself then just stop whining to everyone else and do it. Then on the other hand, I'm just so afraid. I keep thinking of different ways to kill myself, sometimes I hate the psychiatrist for giving me all these pills, because I just keep thinking one day I'm going to crush them all up and put them in something and just drink it. I have done it many times before, obviously not successful, but each time I get closer.

    Well anyway, thanks for listening to my rant...
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want you to know I'm listening. :hug: I think you need to tell someone how you're feeling, because you don't have to go through it alone. Here if you want to talk!
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Jamie,
    Have you tried therapy?? Suicidal thoughts are more common than you think.. Some people deal with it better than others.. Try to keep yourself busy.. Join some groups or take a class in something that interest you.. You can also find hobbies that takes your mind off things..
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