I'm just so tired of this.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Toadamas07, Sep 11, 2016.

  1. Toadamas07

    Toadamas07 New Member

    I feel like I'm stuck inside of a vortex. Nothing ever turns out right. I thought getting away from my mom and going to college would be a great idea. It would mean a fresh start. But I knew I couldn't do it alone. So I decided to move in with my brother. We get along great but that's only because I haven't told him anything about myself. I didn't tell him that his best friend's older brother molested me repeatedly as a kid. I didn't tell him that I've been struggling with self-harm since I was ten. I didn't tell him that my never ceasing fear of disappointing my family is what keeps me distant from all of the people he loves. And it was never an issue before. Mostly.

    But now that I've been living with him for a few weeks, I'm starting to see that I was mistaken. I can't just make up an excuse for when my PTSD makes me cower in a corner. I can't ignore the fact that I never talk to my grandmother. Because he's there to constantly point it out.

    Right now I'm supposed to be moving into our new place. Or at least that's what would be happening if he didn't fight me so much. The issue is, I have a dog and a cat. So we need to get into an apartment that will let me have them. Finding the apartment was easy. I found one that he would approve of, even though it's an hour long bus ride to campus. I could deal with that if it meant that everyone was happy. I was lying to myself and saying that it would all be okay once we each had our own spaces. But now it's all falling apart.

    He wants to fight about everything. He refuses to wake up earlier than 10 am to do anything, and he leaves for work at 1 pm so trying to get anything done has been hell. Every time I bring up the fact that I'm tired of sleeping in his living room, he starts acting like a five year old. I knew that living together would be difficult for awhile but I didn't think it would be this bad. He's five years older than me. I thought he would've grown up a bit by now.

    I've asked him if it was a mistake for me to move in, as I asked him a million times before I ever went through with it, but he just talks in circles. I don't want to be a burden to him, but I also don't want to be treated like this. It's making me feel like it's all my fault. It's a common reaction of mine to blame myself but this goes a step further. I'm starting to doubt everything I do. I'm walking on eggshells around the only person I though I could rely on in this world.
    I can't pretend like I don't have feelings anymore. I'm tired of always being the strong one. But every time I break down, everything gets blames on me because I'm suddenly not there to take care of everything.
    I've recently lapsed back into cutting myself. And it's escalating pretty quickly. This whole situation isn't helping. I'm afraid I'm going to take it too far. I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone I can talk to. I had to quit therapy six months ago because it was too expensive.
    I'm just so lost right now.
     
  2. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    I'm sorry to hear about your past and that you've started harming yourself again.
    But could it be an idea to try and talk with your brother about it? Like what happened and such, as maybe opening his eyes?
    And is he still best friends with the guy?
    I'm at least glad to hear you could have your cat and dog with you, since pets can help with the mood at times.
    And can I ask how come you wanted to get away from your mother and why you aren't talking with your grandmother? I understand if it's personal and such.

    But I think you should try and talk with your brother. Whether it's just about PTSD, self harming or everything.
    And maybe try and seek professional help?
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  3. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey there, welcome to SF. You're going through a rough time and I'm sorry to hear that you were molested. Just wondering if the therapy was helping with your PTSD, many victims of this suffer from it. I'm not sure where you are, but sometimes you can find free help through a social worker or at least a reduced rate for therapy sessions. It may be worth looking into. Also, you'll vand many people here who are dealing with similar issues and will be supportive of you.
    I wish I could be of more help, but just know that we care and there are many good people on this site that will help you as you reach out. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to heal .
    Brian
     
  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Welcome :) I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time and dealing with the effects of being molested, how horrible. Living with your brother is causing you too much stress, pushing you to a point where you want to self harm again? I think honesty is always best, if you feel that your brother is open enough to confide in him. But if you don't have that trust, can you see a counselor at school? Maybe it might be a good idea to think about moving out on your own. Having a dog and cat is wonderful btw, my 3 dogs and 3 cats keep me grounded. We are all adults and nobody needs so much drama in their life with someone always trying to fight with them and talking in circles when we try to open up to them. I know because my bf *used to be that way (*he is getting better slowly) but it got to the point where it was way too hurtful and I also walked on eggshells, it's no way to live. I also was tempted (and gave in many months ago) to self harm when I hadn't done it in years. It was too much. I hope you have a way to move away on your own so that you can gain some peace of mind. Sometimes family isn't the best solution and I'm sorry he doesn't seem more supportive or easy to live with :(